Dec 6, 2011

low five: fishing, it's the worst thing ever

Guess who took a sick day from work because he wasn't feeling great, and now has no excuse not to post this blog today...

I have literally no idea why I chose this topic, other than I could think of 3 weird/stupid/gross ways people catch fish. But the more I think about it, the more stupid fishing seems. Unless it's used as an excuse to drink on a boat, I'm not interested in sitting around waiting for some dumb animal to get itself stuck on my line and then flop around on the boat until I feel bad and throw it back. Okay, enough intro, let's just do this thing!

#5 - fly-fishing
Looks like he is trying to bullwhip a fish, Indiana Jones style
Fly fishing could be the least logical style of fishing ever conceived. Would you go hunting by just firing one shot into the woods and hoping a deer runs into the bullet? Because in terms of effectiveness, that's basically what you're doing when you go fly-fishing. Like, the fish has a split second to get itself caught by falling for the old "fly on the water" trick. Meanwhile, I couldn't even use a normal fishing rod to catch a piranha using man flesh for bait. And the whole casting system, that's just asking for trouble. Just think about it, swinging sharp metal hooks on the end of long strings is a recipe for eye injury.

And as if potentially blinding yourself and others in order to catch a fish in the most asinine manner possible wasn't enough, you have to do it all in ridiculous rubber boots and overalls because you're standing in a river. If you're gonna actually walk into the fish's house and kill it, at least do it like a boss and use your bare hands. I think it's universally acknowledged that casually grabbing a passing fish is the manliest thing anyone could do. Getting all dressed up to stand in knee-deep water is at the opposite end of the manly spectrum.

Nov 16, 2011

Live Blog! Pennsylvania roadtrippin' - it's business time

It's 11am and, after an absurd amount of checking and double checking our equipment, our boss has finally given his blessing for Adam and me to start our 8 hour drive to Breezewood, Pennsylvania. I'm pretty much gonna be living in my boss' car until Friday night. That is, assuming Adam doesn't kill us both with his patented knee-steering; sometimes we drift toward large tanker trucks filled with toxic/corrosive chemicals, and I need to alert Adam to this danger with a timid wimper. That usually gets the job done.

Anyway, to help pass the time on the road, we are keeping a 90s theme - that decade flew by for me. Sure, I wasn't even 10 years old until the Nagano Olympics, but whatever. Time flies when you're eating fruit roll-ups and trading pogs. Hopefully I can post pictures from my phone so the few people reading this can enjoy my pitiful descent into childhood.

2:30 Update

I (Adam) just finished my first driving leg and after splitting a small pizza at "pepe's pizzaria" in some podonk town in CT, I've elected to put my life in Evan's hands to lose my blogging virginity. After reading the previous snide comments about my driving skills it seems appropriate to first note our near death experience from evan turning into on coming traffic just 5 minutes after taking the wheel (ps macarena just came on the radio..great time for a pouch of gushers)...were now about to enter the dirt-hole of America with the hope of seeing Snooky and running her ball like figure off the jersey turnpike. This assumes our base model SUV can withstand the impact. I think If there was a cheaper "no radio" option given to our boss, we'd be sitting in silence - that's how bad this shoebox on wheels sucks. I'm gonna sign off tho. I'm sure Evan will post an update soon for the 3 people who are reading.

6:45 Update

Ok it's Evan again; Adam wants to drive the final 70 miles through the rain in a car with headlights that are maybe as bright a single birthday candles. Sure, Adam, be my guest. I'll take this opportunity to defend my driving skills - I was taking a left and a car came speeding toward us so I cut into a parkinglot in the exit lane. I'm sorry for saving our lives!

Anyway, we found a great radio station that has played Will Smith's "Parents Just Don't Understand" and some Uncle Kracker song. Made it through New Jersey without contracting any diseases, too! Nothing interesting to report in Pennsylvania so far, except that their road signs are really bossy; I've seen "Don't Tailgate" and "Hitchhiking is Against Safety Laws", which only make me want to pick up a stranger and get on the ass of the minivan doing 45mph in front of me.

Hopefully we will have some good pictures to post later tonight from the ride, and maybe a good story from wherever we go get dinner.

9:30 Update

We are at the hotel we booked in Breezewood. I jut want to say right now that I have never seen this many gas stations in such a short stretch of road; there were easily 6 different stations within a quarter mile of each other. In other words, this place sucks. Unless you are looking to prostitute yourself to tractor trailer drivers or murder a drifter and harvest his organs.

To continue my thoughts on Pennsylvania road signs, they are frequent and unnecessary. Here are a few more I saw: Remove Sunglasses; Turn Headlights On; Stay in Lane; Pass With Care; and my favorite, Headlights On? That one is just patronizing. Like your mother asking if you remembered to put on clean socks and underwear before you head off to school. YES mom, I'm not stupid. Like how could anyone forget to turn on their headlights. The thought never occurs, "Wow, it sure is dark out here in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, I wish there was some way for me to see where I'm driving..."!

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the trip so far. It's tough to get a good picture of anything with my iPhone camera, but tomorrow I should be outside the car a little bit more and will have some better ones.

Note: the red circles represent gas stations, the blue arrow is my hotel room

Nov 9, 2011

high five: countries better equipped to host the World Cup than Qatar

There were a lot of big sports news stories this past summer: the NFL locked out; the NFL locked back in; everyone fell in love with Mike Vick again; the NBA locked out and no one cared; the Bruins won the Stanley Cup (yep hockey playoffs in late June, love it); the Red Sox choked harder than a baby at the Lego Store. But in America, one big story garnered few headlines. Oh, did you not hear? FIFA is massively corrupt, so instead of playing the World Cup in a country that, you know, excels in the sport AND in accommodating human life, the voting panel decided to roll the dice and try something retarded. I mean, different. No wait, I meant retarded, my mistake.

The World Cup is going to be held in the desert. So, I hope everyone enjoys the next couple World Cups, because in 2022, it'll be the end of international soccer as we know it. All the players will die of heat exhaustion. The games will be endured in 112 degree heat and split into 3 periods in some misguided attempt to play an outdoor sport in a desert nation. Hell, some countries might not even show up, if the conflicts in the Middle East get worse. Maybe then, my beloved Faroe Islands can finally earn a spot in the finals.

#5 - South Africa, home of the Vuvuzela
We have no one to blame but ourselves
They already proved they could do it - the 2010 World Cup went pretty smoothly. Any time the biggest problem at the host country is the amount of noise the crowds make, I'd call it a success. Sure, the noise was really annoying, but that's just how the Africans roll, and we gotta respect their culture, right? I mean, the World Cup had never even been in Africa before, let them have some fun and blow on their horns. They have enough problems without everyone else in the world telling them how annoying they are. Plus, at least they have normal weather for soccer, relative to other parts of Africa.

And the vuvuzelas are probably our fault anyway. Africa is some kind of parallel universe of first world nations, like a haven for items that never should have existed. People are walking around proudly in their 19-0 Patriots shirts commemorating a Super Bowl they never won. This is our idea of chariy - here, have some shit no American in their right mind would ever use! That'll help with AIDS, hunger, and civil wars ravaging your continent, right? Does it sound like these people built and maintain a factory to make plastic horns? No, the vuvuzela was probably some attempt to unload useless 4th of July crap and feel good about helping in Darfur.

Nov 2, 2011

Angry Cooper Rants: Concerts (Again)

I'M BAAAAAAACK. In an effort to revive this blog we've come back with a new outlook on how to post, when to post, and what to post. Logically most of this background discussion and the little break we took was directed at making sure I'm not posting stupid stuff 20 times a day. Have no fear though, I'm still angry. And according to the people whom I drank with this weekend I keep ranting.

So I might have done something like this before but I happened to go to a concert last weekend and Evan's been pressuring me to get something done by Wednesday. So here we go, ten things that bother me about concerts.

First off, the loud concert. (Notable offenders: Every rock band ever)

piss off

Oct 31, 2011

Back From the Dead: High Five Halloween Characters

Okay, here's the part 2 that I promised. Click here for part 1, in case you missed it. But now I'm ranking the best horror movie characters. And I'm defining 'best' as a character that I would genuinely be afraid of encountering in real life if they actually existed; plausibility gets no consideration. So without further ado...

#5 - Megan Fox in 'Jennifer's Body'
I think I could look past the whole
"I'm a demon trying to kill you" thing
Yep, it's an awful movie. There's no denying that fact. But if there actually was some demon-possessed girl that I went to school with or worked with, I'd be hard-pressed to stay away. Like, even if I saw her sprout fangs and dragon wings, I'd probably still ask her out. What can I say, I find goth girls kind of sexy. So even if I knew the risks, I'd probably be powerless to resist. The scariest part of the movie is probably the writing; it made me cringe more than any scene in the Saw franchise. I mean it's obvious the movie is built around Megan Fox being sexy and evil, but don't let the studio interns write the script.

The creepy thing is that demons could exist and actually possess people. Who says they can't? It's kind of like a religious thing, right? And no one has disproved God. Plus,  if a demon wanted to kill a lot of people, why wouldn't it take over a hot girl? People bend over backwards to help attractive girls, and line up to spend time with them (literally, that's what a line at a bar is for...). Basically, if I was a demon who wanted to cause misery to as many people as possible, I'd possess the most attractive girl I could find and just let people come to me. I'm on to you, demons. I got you allll figured out...

Back From the Dead: Low Five Halloween Characters

Halloween, what better day to bring this blog back from the dead? That's right, after a 5 month hiatus, the League is back. The Gentleman have done some discussing, and we hope to bring you better content on a routine basis. Round one was a good learning experience, but we definitely hit a wall, creatively, and couldn't keep the blistering pace we initially set. So we are going to pace ourselves now, and maybe we won't disappear for 5 month stretches.

Now that I've laid out our plan to pace ourselves, I have a SPECIAL TWO-PART HIGH/LOW FIVE. Yep, already breaking our own rules we just made. But it's a holiday, and I couldn't decide between doing best or worst horror movie characters, so I did both. Consider it my treat to you, no costume necessary. Up first, worst characters, meaning I'm completely unworried about encountering them in real life.

#5 - Michael Myers
How long did it take to get upstairs? 15 minutes?
It makes me mad to watch the 'Halloween' movies - how could anyone be killed by Michael Myers? He is literally the slowest thing I've ever seen move. Glaciers could escape from Myers. He should take over for those turtles in the Comcast high speed internet commercials.

And to top it all off, he kills people on Halloween. In his home town. Routinely. The people of Haddonfield are almost too stupid to function. Like, this murderer keeps killing people in your town on Halloween. And he's slow as shit. Why don't you figure out some legitimate plan to handle this situation? And when you think you've killed him, make sure of it; it's called the Double Tap and it worked for Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland. When you assume you've killed Michael Myers, you make an ass of you and leave an opening for yet another sequel in this shitty franchise.