Feb 23, 2011

high five: muppets you can count on

Okay, my new years resolution was to be less of a negative asshole. So I decided that I need to balance out every "low five" list with a "high five" list. Today's topic is the best muppet wingmen. Does anyone know of any good bars on Sesame Street?

#5 - Oscar the Grouch
Anyone who has ever seen a teen movie could tell you that the asshole is always the ladies man, so I can only assume Oscar is the stud of Sesame Street. He can tell them to lose 10 lbs or try more makeup, and they’ll just keep coming back for more. I bet that when Katy Perry came to Sesame Street, he asked if she was still using her Pro-active.

The fact that he lives in a trashcan is a good insurance policy that he won’t try to take your girl home. The only downside is having to work your game amidst the putrid cloud of stink that seeps from Oscar’s pores because, like I said, dude lives in a trashcan.

#4 - Gonzo
This one may be specifically tailored to me. It’s the old “cool by comparison” trick. I have a big nose, but Gonzo has a phallus on his face. I wear v-necks, but Gonzo wears a cape. I am socially awkward, but Gonzo is an alien from a completely different society. 

If we could manage to talk to some normal, attractive girl, she would go home with me 11 nights out of 10.

#3 - Animal
Chicks dig musicians. As long as you stay close to this shaggy beast chained to his drums, girls will be magnetized to your location. He even looks a little bit like Dave Grohl! Okay, so maybe that's a negative.

The onus of conversation will fall solely on your shoulders, as Animal can’t really talk. And he can be a little aggressive, so prepared to catch some collateral pepper spray damage. But if you strike out, he’s probably got some great pot back at his place.

#2 - Bert and Ernie
For those not adept at picking up girls, gay couples are great wingmen. They are completely non-threatening to girls, able to start and sustain conversations, and will translate body language and other subtleties that are beyond most straight men. And maybe you can get a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy makeover, although Bert’s unibrow doesn’t inspire much confidence in their sense of style.

Apparently, gay bars are a great place to meet single women. I'm not sure how that works, because if she is there she's obviously not looking for a straight guy. And she'll be wondering why you're there.

#1 - Count von Count
Vampires are all the rage these days. Between True Blood and Twilight, every girl in America must be champing at the bit to get their hands on a vampire. From a wingman perspective, what’s not to like? They are masters of seduction. They live forever, giving them ample time to hone their conversational skills. They live in castles. 

Let's go over some of the specific advantages to having the Count with you. He laughs at pretty much anything. "One, two, three, three apples. AH-HA-HA". There's really nothing funny about three apples. But that laughter is crucial for when you inevitably make an awkward comment or bad joke. And he'll willingly keep track of how many shots you’ve had. That should help you keep your drinking under control. Exactly the kind of muppet you want to have your back when you’re in the cluuub.

Clearly, I have given this way too much thought. But Jim Henson would be proud.
Click here for the most recent low five.


  1. Animal is also adept at sounding the Grenade Whistle

  2. i feel like grover should get an honorable mention on this one, he does have a legit superhero alterego

  3. elmo says, "why so cold, bro?!"

  4. grover maybe should've gotten a shout-out, but elmo would be cockblock city. Girls love him too much. His song with Katy Perry was too hot for tv. No one can compete with that.

  5. Jewbag you are elmo and how's that new years resolution goin?

  6. I was elmo for all the reasons I listed out. and they worked perfectly, I was like a shining beacon of awesomeness amidst the sea of drunken assumption students.

    I have to assume that anonymous is yankee, so you should know that it's going decently. I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything awkward/asshole-ish to your gf. or to that girl who looked exactly like khloe kardashian

  7. yeah you were surprisingly good for a change but i didnt like it

    my mom thought you might have been an asshole tho hahahaha