low five: cars to keep you single and sexless

So, the low five is an exercise in finding fault. Should be pretty easy, right? First topic; cars that, when used properly, will keep even the most trashy and desperate girls at bay. Let's dive right in.

#5 - Early '90s Saab 900

Okay, so if you bought this within 2 years of its release, you may be grandfathered in to its coolness. Coincidentally, you may also be a grandfather.

I mean, I understand that Saab once built military jets, but unless this thing can break sound barriers while blowing stuff up, I don't want it. I looks like someone asked a cross-eyed toddler to draw a Porsche 911.


#4 - Lincoln Mark LT

Basically the best way to advertise your poor decision-making skills to the world is to buy a Lincoln truck. It's just nice enough that you wouldn't use it for manly, badass stuff like storm chasing or hauling the Budweiser horses to their next commercial shoot.

But it's also not luxurious enough to come off as rich and/or famous. When rappers continue to break new ground with anthems about demeaning their hoes and popping their champagne, they celebrate with a new Escalade. Not a Ford with more chrome and leather. No one wants a Lincoln.

#3 - Honda CR-Z Hybrid

But wait, it's a hybrid! That's cool right? We should all try to help the environment. True, but the purpose of this car is to combine efficiency with excitement. I'm an engineering student, so I know for a fact the two do not mix. The best feature is the built-in guilt trip. When you drive aggressively, the gauges turn blue to make you sad. When you drive like there's a cop behind you, they turn green because nature wants to give you a hug.

The whole concept of "sport hybrid" would be a little more palatable if the car wasn't based of the anatomy of a hamster. There's hardly any shape to it. As if the Honda designers dropped a chunk of clay on the table and decided, "Hey, all this needs is an obnoxiously large grill!" Well done, Honda.

#2 - Anything from the now-defunct manufacturer Geo

I want to start by saying that I don't think I have ever seen two members of the opposite sex together in a Geo. And while the gay community could argue that isn't strictly grounds for inclusion in this list, I think they would agree that these are some of the worst-looking cars ever.

The Geo Tracker. Part truck, part convertible, entirely useless. It's like the weaker and uglier sibling of the Jeep Wrangler. It never stood a chance against car natural selection.

This little monstrosity is called the Metro. Interesting name, considering it's the latin root for city. You know, those things that are very big and contain a lot of people. I can see how that name is appropriate for a tiny hatchback.

The only Geo model not pictured is the Prizm, in which I have had the privilege of riding. I had a coworker who owned one in a beautiful shade of "apricot ice". That was the actual name of the paint. We looked it up when I asked him if he chose the metallic shade of orange, or if it was some kind of cruel college prank.

#1 - Scion xB

This car represents a number of others of the same style; ugly boxes. For the still-too-high price of $16,000 you can shamefully drive home this prison cell on wheels. But hey, at least you can customize it!

As someone who has been there before, I want to pass on some knowledge to boyscouts everywhere. The Pinewood derby is quickly approaching! If you are participating, you will envision a beautiful Ferrari carved from that little block of wood. You will dream of those plastic wheels burning up the giant sloped ramp that passes as a track. But your life is too busy watching cartoons and eating fruit roll-ups, so you will forget. And then it will be race day, and you will only have time to paint your block and put wheels on it. Just a zero-percent resemblance to an actual car. Well, kids, start getting your resume ready, because Scion is interested.