low five: fishing, it's the worst thing ever

Guess who took a sick day from work because he wasn't feeling great, and now has no excuse not to post this blog today...

I have literally no idea why I chose this topic, other than I could think of 3 weird/stupid/gross ways people catch fish. But the more I think about it, the more stupid fishing seems. Unless it's used as an excuse to drink on a boat, I'm not interested in sitting around waiting for some dumb animal to get itself stuck on my line and then flop around on the boat until I feel bad and throw it back. Okay, enough intro, let's just do this thing!

#5 - fly-fishing

Looks like he is trying to bullwhip a fish, Indiana Jones style

Fly fishing could be the least logical style of fishing ever conceived. Would you go hunting by just firing one shot into the woods and hoping a deer runs into the bullet? Because in terms of effectiveness, that's basically what you're doing when you go fly-fishing. Like, the fish has a split second to get itself caught by falling for the old "fly on the water" trick. Meanwhile, I couldn't even use a normal fishing rod to catch a piranha using man flesh for bait. And the whole casting system, that's just asking for trouble. Just think about it, swinging sharp metal hooks on the end of long strings is a recipe for eye injury.

And as if potentially blinding yourself and others in order to catch a fish in the most asinine manner possible wasn't enough, you have to do it all in ridiculous rubber boots and overalls because you're standing in a river. If you're gonna actually walk into the fish's house and kill it, at least do it like a boss and use your bare hands. I think it's universally acknowledged that casually grabbing a passing fish is the manliest thing anyone could do. Getting all dressed up to stand in knee-deep water is at the opposite end of the manly spectrum.

Back From the Dead: Low Five Halloween Characters

Halloween, what better day to bring this blog back from the dead? That's right, after a 5 month hiatus, the League is back. The Gentleman have done some discussing, and we hope to bring you better content on a routine basis. Round one was a good learning experience, but we definitely hit a wall, creatively, and couldn't keep the blistering pace we initially set. So we are going to pace ourselves now, and maybe we won't disappear for 5 month stretches.

Now that I've laid out our plan to pace ourselves, I have a SPECIAL TWO-PART HIGH/LOW FIVE. Yep, already breaking our own rules we just made. But it's a holiday, and I couldn't decide between doing best or worst horror movie characters, so I did both. Consider it my treat to you, no costume necessary. Up first, worst characters, meaning I'm completely unworried about encountering them in real life.


#5 - Michael Myers

How long did it take to get upstairs? 15 minutes?

It makes me mad to watch the 'Halloween' movies - how could anyone be killed by Michael Myers? He is literally the slowest thing I've ever seen move. Glaciers could escape from Myers. He should take over for those turtles in the Comcast high speed internet commercials.

And to top it all off, he kills people on Halloween. In his home town. Routinely. The people of Haddonfield are almost too stupid to function. Like, this murderer keeps killing people in your town on Halloween. And he's slow as shit. Why don't you figure out some legitimate plan to handle this situation? And when you think you've killed him, make sure of it; it's called the Double Tap and it worked for Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland. When you assume you've killed Michael Myers, you make an ass of you and leave an opening for yet another sequel in this shitty franchise.

low five: osama bin laden, the ultimate hypocrite

Hey, did you guys hear the news? Some guy named Osama Bin Laden is dead! Yeah, I'm a little late on this blog post, but I have a legit excuse - I've been in Wisconsin all week for work.  And I would have done a post about this fine state, but there is so little activity here that I couldn't find 5 things, good or bad, to list about America's dairy state.

So instead I chose to finish this post about how hypocritical Bin Laden really is. If anyone in the Taliban could objectively look at this man, they would see how stupid it is to follow him. This guy is just some cave-hiding, attention-seeking bitch who's claim to fame is avoiding US secret ops for 10 years. Wow, impressive, it must be hard to avoid being found when you hide in remote deserts of the Middle East doing nothing...


#5 - declared a holy war, smoked marijuana against Muslim beliefs

How do you deal with munchies in a Palestinian cave?
I can't imagine goat cheese gets the job done...

So apparently Muslims must keep their bodies clean and pure. Stuff like alcohol is considered an intoxicant and is thus banned. Well, marijuana isn't explicitly considered "Haraam" (forbidden), but it is widely considered so by Islam scholars. So obviously, one would think that anyone declaring a HOLY war would be, oh I don't know, in good religious standing and refrain from getting high?

Apparently, while Bin Laden's terrorists were out seeking to destroy Western culture, their leader was chilling at home toking. Yup, the guy delivering orders in this so-called Jihad against the "heathen" Westerners. So yeah, you better do all you can to protect that Muslim holy land, but in the mean time, feel free to break all those religious rules. No big deal... President of Israel is probably eating a ham sandwich right now while he talks military strategy with American forces in Jerusalem, right? Wrong.

low five: why are all engineering school nerds single?

Before I even start, I have to clearly state that this post is not directed toward Cooper. He will be convinced that it is, but what I am about to describe actually is a level of nerdity above anything Cooper can claim to possess. Cooper, you have people that you consistently hang out with in person and go to bars and concerts; the people who inspired this low five do none of those things.

By now my loyal readers probably know that I am a recent graduate of an engineering school; all my classmates were either math, science, or engineering majors. Last time I heard, we actually had one English major, but that degree has to be for show because who would seriously choose a school ending in "Polytechnic Institute" to study English? Anyway, the student population is divided into three main categories; normal guys, normal girls, and those I like to call "dorm-dwellers". Dorm-dwellers are the kids who choose to live on campus beyond freshman year because of the superior internet speed, their fear of landlords and utility companies, or lack of real-world skills like cooking and doing laundry.

#5 - Physique

South Park: It's funny because it's true...

My school has a gym; in very rare cases, a student outside of the normal girl and guy population may be spotted here. They can be identified by their complete lack of appropriate gym clothes, wearing blue jeans and shower sandals. Apparently, during a late-night gaming session the night before, an exercise equipment infomercial inspired this person to get in shape. But in real life, you can't just spend one full day leveling-up your body to get added strength and attractiveness bonuses.

For that reason, engineering-school nerds usually come in one color (pale, pale white - screen glow does not provide a good tan) and two shapes: too big and too small. The larger kids enjoy snacking while gaming or internet-surfing, and their snacks usually lack any nutritional value. And mouse-clicking burns very few calories. The smaller kids are usually mistaken for freakishly tall middle-schoolers. They are blessed with rapid metabolisms, but find eating an inconvenient necessity in their quest for Starcraft domination. The only thing they've even considered lifting in an effort for self-improvement has been a backpack full of books. Neither physique is likely to attract much female attention...

low five: what idiot allows this crap on tv?

So thanks to an endless stream of radio commercials, news stories, and facebook updates about "The Voice" and the royal wedding, I've started to wonder who decides what mindless tv show ideas get greenlit and who decides to pull the plug on stuff like "Freaks and Geeks". Based on some of the recent atrocities to get a shot at primetime, I think the manatee writers from that South Park episode got a raise and now are Cable executives.

While I don't watch a ton of tv, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly so I have an idea of what is on and what looks incredibly stupid. I usually wait a couple years, see what shows turn out to be good, and watch entire seasons online in a matter of a couple days. For example, Two weeks ago I had never seen an episode of "Community"; now I'm completely caught up to a show that is airing it's 40-something-ith episode this week. Here are 5 shows I will never take seriously, and why...

#5 American Idol
What a terrible, terrible idea for a television show. The only thing worse than the show itself is how it has maintained it's popularity in this country. I don't understand why people would want to watch amateurs try their hand at real artists' hits. I love music too much to sit through an almost-as-good version of Cee Lo's "Fuck You" (radio version, of course - it's a family show). Until they force the contestants to write their own songs, and possibly even play their own instruments, I'm not interested. Remember people, this is the show that forced Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini into our lives.

And this is the part where you all point out that the early episodes are like candy to people who love to mock other (delusional) people for following their dreams. But I could do that with youtube. Watch the clip below and you'll see what I mean. Like, I would love to see Taylor Swift's reaction to the cold-blooded murder of "Should've Said No". This girl either has the greatest sense of humor of all time or an incredible ability to rationalize all the horrible comments on that video as pure jealousy. The point is, if I want to watch terrible singers, I'll use youtube, and if I want to hear real music I'll use iTunes.

"Nailed it..."

low five: most unfortunate bible characters

Back from the dead! On Easter (okay fine, technically the day after)! Did I really just compare my return to the blog with the resurrection of Jesus? No, just simply pointing out the similarities... But anyway, I've been gone for far too long, busy trying to get my shit together. And you know where my shit is? Still scattered far and wide. So since I apparently can't get anything done even when I shun my creative outlets, I might as well come back!

So, Easter. All you non-Christians need not worry, it's not that cool of a holiday. Once you are too old for egg hunts, it's no different from any other day, except for either the seemingly endless Easter mass or the guilt of not going to the seemingly endless Easter mass. It's probably the holiest day on the Christian calendar, but it's just not as cool without the illusion of a giant rabbit that delivers eggs full of candy. Seriously, where did that one come from? But anyway, since it's such an important day to Christians, let's consider the most undesirable situations in the Bible so we can feel better about ourselves.


#5 Jonah

Hmm, in this version of the story Jonah gets stuck in baleen?

I'm pretty sure that when you get swallowed by a whale, you die. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I can't see how anyone would live. My best guess is suffocation or drowning, but who knows, maybe the whale's stomach acid would digest you alive first. But the worst part is, Jonah got swallowed because he refused to go warn an evil city full of his enemies that God would be destroying them all soon. When he finally obliged (a whale's stomach is a good place to think over God's proposition), he is obviously pissed because everyone in the city repented and was saved. He stops to rest, and God gives him a vine for shade, but then sends a worm to kill the vine. So Jonah's enemies get off easy, but Jonah can't catch a break.

I think it is important to note that, in my "extensive" research into this story, I read that some scholars believe that Jonah's hair, skin, and clothing were bleached to a ghostly white by the whale's digestive juices. Seriously, scholars? So that's all that would happen from spending 72 hours inside a whale? It just seems like if you are reading this story and taking everything literally, you probably aren't thinking a lot about the logistics of being inside a whale's stomach.

low five: historically bad parenting

Blogging back-to-back days? Who do I think I am, Cooper? Anyway, my mom runs a daycare out of our house. It is probably in the top 5 most annoying things in my life, since whenever I am home I am awoken to the sounds of screaming babies and tiny stomping feet. But once in a while, I venture upstairs to the baby corral and see what all the fuss is about.

Yesterday was one of those days, and out of sheer pity I decided to help my mom out and play with the kids. For some reason, there is this weird age gap where kids like me. It must be because they don't yet understand sarcasm so they take everything I say as a positive. For instance, "Wow, great job, you almost kicked that ball," actually sounds encouraging to them. It makes me think I should never have kids. Plus, I have so much bad karma built up that any of my offspring will have tails and flippers and other such deformities. But I wouldn't be the worst parent in the world; there are at least 10 others ahead of me.

#5 Leticia Jean and Billy Ray Cyrus

Does anyone else find this creepy?

If we have learned anything from Miley Cyrus, it's that redneck parents and hollywood stardom do not mix. Just take a look at Miley's Wikipedia page; the longest section is subtitled "Controversies". I guess I'll just pick a few from the extensive list to illustrate how little the Cyrus' care about their daughter's actions, and how they are basically using her to maintain their pseudo-celebrity status.

How is it okay to have your 15-year-old daughter pose in nothing but a sheet for the cover of Vanity Fair. Then, a year later, defend her lapdance on a 46-year-old producer as something kids will do. I guess that's just how kids roll down in Tennessee? And here I thought they were just simple, frog-loving folks (see #2). The best part of the whole parenting situation occurred just a few months ago. After video of Miley smoking salvia (what, California was all out of weed?), her dad TWEETED to half a million followers "Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I'm so sad. There is much beyond my control right now". Billy Ray Cyrus, publicly parenting 140 characters at a time.

low five: why are these things so absurdly expensive?!

Hey everyone, it's been a while! First off, just want to say happy birthday to fellow gentleman rmed. You probably don't know much about him, since he does not appear on the introductions page.

I haven't had time to write any new and entertaining posts because I was the victim of a random act of vandalism. That, combined with my steadily decreasing bank account, have led me to the realization that you don't need money to be happy. But you do need it to pay for all the over-priced shit in life. I don't see many homeless people who are happy, but that's because I don't live in any of these places. So here are five things that shouldn't make you poor, but probably will.


#5 Mass Pike tolls

Look closely, she is actually a ticket-
giver. Why isn't her job automated yet!?

It's not that the tolls are too high, but that there are even tolls at all. Why does it costs $1 to drive from Worcester to Cambridge on the Mass Pike, when I could take a slightly longer route (with less traffic) for free? Or, even better, I could reduce my carbon footprint and avoid the costs of parking by using the commuter rail!

It's not like that toll money is being used to keep the highway in pristine condition. It is in no better shape than 95 or 93, and those don't have tolls. No, that money is being used to PAY THE TOLL COLLECTORS. And provide them with dry-cleaning! And dental plans! It's just a needless loop that benefits no one. If there were no tolls, there would be no toll collectors. Problem solved. Plus, no one wants to be a toll colector. They are probably the most miserable-looking people on Earth. I would love that job, though. Just pop in some earbuds and enjoy the scenery. Maybe have some fun by putting on a ski mask and aiming a water gun through the window, demanding $0.55 to get off at route 84.

low five: badvertisements

Is there anything worse in life than advertisements? It's the business-world equivalent of a cardboard beggar's sign, except far more sophisticated and impossible to escape. Take watching TV, for example. You sit down to enjoy your DVR'd Mad Men (oh, a show about advertising. Awesome!) so you can skip commercials. But you can't figure out who that character is on the screen until he starts talking about Gillette razors. Oh, cool, Gillette made their commercial look just like the TV show it's interrupting so I wouldn't fast forward through it. Bastards! Well, for every savvy marketing exec, there is someone responsible for the utter shit that is presented below.


#5 - Joe Camel cigarettes 

Camels - the playboys of
the animal kingdom

Aren’t ad campaigns supposed to show how a certain product will make you more attractive/healthier/better in general? Well Camel cigarettes must not have gotten the message because they decide to use one of the ugliest animals on earth to sell their death sticks. It’s not like camels are known for their sexual prowess or suaveness, so why make Joe a camel? His nose looks like what I imagine a squid penis would look like. And today, he probably has had a tracheotomy and his camel hump removed because it was malignant.

I can almost see how this campaign could succeed. The reader spends so much time trying to figure out what was going through the marketing coordinator’s mind when these atrocities were printed that the next time someone asks about cigarettes, Joe Camel will be the first thing to come to mind. The problem is, I’m pretty sure it’s not humanly possible to utter the words “Give me the pack with that cool camel in a tux doing all those manly things”. It’s just too shameful, the body just won’t allow it to happen.

low five: law and order, folklore style

Feeling pretty negative this week, so no high five. Usually I base these lists off something that has happened recently in my life. Well, this one is completely outta nowhere. I haven't watched an episode of Law and Order in weeks and there are no holidays approaching. But for far too long our beloved folklore figures have coasted by on reputation while we turn a blind eye to what is really going on. Let's take an objective look at the 5 most nefarious characters, and which Law and Order badass is going to take him/her down.


#5 - Tooth Fairy

Never mind, she can have
all my teeth if she wants

Okay, so a woman who flies through children's windows while they sleep to leave them a special gift. That's definitely not creepy. But the sketchiest thing about the Tooth Fairy isn’t the forced entry into a child’s bedroom; it’s the collection of human bones. I can only assume she is selling them on a black market or practicing Santeria. And the SVU unit can tell you that nothing good has ever come from Santeria.

So we can only really pin one charge (breaking and entering) on the Tooth Fairy, and since the teeth are being purchased, there is no intent to burglarize. And with whatever pile of cash that fairy uses to buy teeth, I can only assume she can afford a lawyer that will get her off because the child is expecting the visitor. Nevertheless, there is some seriously shady activity going on here. I think we need some 24-hour surveillance from Munch and Finn. 

low five: you say protagonist, i say eco-villain

Having just completed a sustainability course, ideas of water reuse and CO2 reduction have been infiltrating all parts of my subconscious. For example, I can't even enjoy TV or movies anymore without noticing how even the heroes don't honor and respect our Mother Earth as they should. It's downright reprehensible! Here are the five worst offenders, with #1 winning the Golden Sick-and-Dying Globe for biggest ecological footprint.

#5 - Bo Hess (Signs) 

You'd think a farm girl would
understand the value of water.

I am disgusted by the glorification of water waste in this movie. Somebody needs to tell this little girl that water is one of our most precious natural resources, and saving your family from hostile aliens is no excuse to pour a new glass before you finished the first one. And you mean to tell me that during an extraterrestrial invasion, you can’t find a single tool to decapitate the alien anywhere on your FARM? That’s, like, the best place to be. Surrounded by sickles and pitchforks. But hey, keep smashing those glasses of water with your baseball bat Merrill. Maybe it would be easier to rig up a Rube Goldberg contraption to squirt them with an eye-dropper?

“Everything happens for a reason”. You know what could’ve happened for a reason? The next rainfall putting an end to the entire alien invasion, assuming the water vapor in the atmosphere didn’t kill them first. If you take care of Earth, she will take care of you. So Bo, finish your goddamn drink before you get another one!

low five: oscar special

In honor of the Oscars, and partially to brag that I saw all 10 nominees, I'm going to break down the best picture category. Number 1 on this list is the worst nominee of the year, and number 1 on the following high five is the best movie, and my pick for the Oscar.

#5 - The Kids Are All Right  

Mark Ruffalo: lesbian
whisperer

I’m torn over this movie. I kind of have this grudge against Julianne Moore because I hate her Boston accent on 30 Rock. And are we seriously supposed to believe that ginger is a landscaper? How do you work outside in the California sun all day and maintain that porcelain freckled skin? I picked Annette Bening for the lead actress because she did a great job pretending to even like Julianne Moore.

But on the other hand, I really liked Mark Ruffalo’s motorcycle. And the movie title clarified some grammar that always confused me. Apparently, alright isn’t a word, and now I’ll have an easier time remembering that. So thanks “The Kids Are All Right”!

low five: spring break stay-aways

My fellow gentleman Sac has just declared that in two days, we will welcome the official start to Spring. What's the best part of spring? Not baseball. Not flowers. Not St. Patrick's day. Well, maybe St. Patrick's day. But for college kids everyone, it means it's time for a spring break getaway. Well, in the spirit of negativity, here are 5 places you should from which you should STAY AWAY.

#5 - Toronto

What an exotic locale!

Unless you are a college kid between the ages of 17 and 21 living in the greater Buffalo area, I see no reason to go to Toronto. It’s basically America, but probably colder than wherever you’re coming from. The only thing they do well in Canada – hockey – is a fruitless attraction. The Toronto Maple Leafs must have a record high “sell-out-to-win” ratio. They always sell out but rarely win.

Now, some of my friends might make the argument “Hey Evan, stop being a douche bag. Toronto is a great place to take a long weekend and catch a Red Sox road game.” But to those people I say, why leave Boston during the summer, when we can actually go to beaches and enjoy the warm weather? I vacation when there is 3 feet of snow out, I don’t escape 80 degree weather.

low five: cars to keep you single and sexless

So, the low five is an exercise in finding fault. Should be pretty easy, right? First topic; cars that, when used properly, will keep even the most trashy and desperate girls at bay. Let's dive right in.

#5 - Early '90s Saab 900

Okay, so if you bought this within 2 years of its release, you may be grandfathered in to its coolness. Coincidentally, you may also be a grandfather.

I mean, I understand that Saab once built military jets, but unless this thing can break sound barriers while blowing stuff up, I don't want it. I looks like someone asked a cross-eyed toddler to draw a Porsche 911.


#4 - Lincoln Mark LT

Basically the best way to advertise your poor decision-making skills to the world is to buy a Lincoln truck. It's just nice enough that you wouldn't use it for manly, badass stuff like storm chasing or hauling the Budweiser horses to their next commercial shoot.

But it's also not luxurious enough to come off as rich and/or famous. When rappers continue to break new ground with anthems about demeaning their hoes and popping their champagne, they celebrate with a new Escalade. Not a Ford with more chrome and leather. No one wants a Lincoln.

#3 - Honda CR-Z Hybrid

But wait, it's a hybrid! That's cool right? We should all try to help the environment. True, but the purpose of this car is to combine efficiency with excitement. I'm an engineering student, so I know for a fact the two do not mix. The best feature is the built-in guilt trip. When you drive aggressively, the gauges turn blue to make you sad. When you drive like there's a cop behind you, they turn green because nature wants to give you a hug.

The whole concept of "sport hybrid" would be a little more palatable if the car wasn't based of the anatomy of a hamster. There's hardly any shape to it. As if the Honda designers dropped a chunk of clay on the table and decided, "Hey, all this needs is an obnoxiously large grill!" Well done, Honda.

#2 - Anything from the now-defunct manufacturer Geo

I want to start by saying that I don't think I have ever seen two members of the opposite sex together in a Geo. And while the gay community could argue that isn't strictly grounds for inclusion in this list, I think they would agree that these are some of the worst-looking cars ever.

The Geo Tracker. Part truck, part convertible, entirely useless. It's like the weaker and uglier sibling of the Jeep Wrangler. It never stood a chance against car natural selection.

This little monstrosity is called the Metro. Interesting name, considering it's the latin root for city. You know, those things that are very big and contain a lot of people. I can see how that name is appropriate for a tiny hatchback.

The only Geo model not pictured is the Prizm, in which I have had the privilege of riding. I had a coworker who owned one in a beautiful shade of "apricot ice". That was the actual name of the paint. We looked it up when I asked him if he chose the metallic shade of orange, or if it was some kind of cruel college prank.

#1 - Scion xB

This car represents a number of others of the same style; ugly boxes. For the still-too-high price of $16,000 you can shamefully drive home this prison cell on wheels. But hey, at least you can customize it!

As someone who has been there before, I want to pass on some knowledge to boyscouts everywhere. The Pinewood derby is quickly approaching! If you are participating, you will envision a beautiful Ferrari carved from that little block of wood. You will dream of those plastic wheels burning up the giant sloped ramp that passes as a track. But your life is too busy watching cartoons and eating fruit roll-ups, so you will forget. And then it will be race day, and you will only have time to paint your block and put wheels on it. Just a zero-percent resemblance to an actual car. Well, kids, start getting your resume ready, because Scion is interested.