Technology Tuesday*

Alright, Technology Tuesday* is when I complain that we dont have some type of technology that people said we would have by now, or something that i just want.

This weeks Technology Tuesday* is inspire by fellow ordinary gentlemen StanSmith

Lets start complaining about how we dont have hoverboards yet.

We're Men

"Dad, we're men, okay?
That means a few things.....
We like to shit with tho door open.
We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky.
That's what we do!
And now that is all wrecked."

Missed Connections Monday: The Creepiest of Craigslist

Oh Monday - the bitch step-sister of the week. The least popular day no one likes. Things have gotten so bad that people wish you didn't exist. They just look past you to the next weekend.

But things are about to get better. And it's all because of Missed Connections Monday - my regular Monday afternoon column. Missed Connections is a section of Craigslist where people post descriptions of someone they saw (but didn't talk to) and had a love-at-first-sight moment with. The goal of these posts is to somehow re-connect and find that person (try to contain your laughter).

America wouldn't exist without.....Marty fucking Mcfly!!!!

Wow! What a stud! I think his name is Calvin Klein?

So basically what my America wouldn't exist blog will tell us is how who ever I picked changed America! And keeps it the best country ever!

American Hero of the Week: Jimmer Fredette

Once again I know who I'm preaching too, no one on this blog cares about basketball, but if fucking Cooper is gonna do a Bruins recap then I'm going to talk about basketball all I fucking want.

If you haven't heard of Jimmer, aka the stormin morman, aka Lary Bird 2.0, aka the great white hope, then chances are you've been living under a rock. White hoops is making a comeback baby! This kid is absolutely filthy, I don't care if hes black, white. or purple.


So for those of us out there in the state that created basketball and home of the most storied franchise in NBA history that have been waiting for a kid like this, here ya go. We're making a comeback baby. Suck it LeBron.

30 Second Bruins (Weekend) Recap

I was out all weekend. Sue me.


Bruins @ Vancouver

Nerdity: Superfluids!

Superfliuds are basically the Zombie Jesus of physics.
Gravity? They flow UP containers!
Air tight container? LOL NOPE I'M OUTTA HERE
I'm just here to highlight some points from the article

WTF

Pageviews by Countries United States 1,433 Canada 11 Singapore 3 China1 WHO IS FROM CHINA AND SINGAPORE IS LOOKING AT HIS BLOG?????!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?

Are you crazier than a catholic?

the only box with its own theme song

hey everybody, and by everybody i mean the seven of us writing and the three people who evan probably bribed to check out the site. ill be on here whenever i feel like ranting about some shit. mostly about how i hate things... maybe a few dick jokes.... alot of cooper jokes.... and we will see if i can actually throw in some useful information from time to time. anyone who hasn't figured out that this is tom has most likely never met me or is cooper... well thats it for now. see you on the interweb i guess...



wow typing this out made me feel like doogie howser...

high five: oscar special

I need to figure out how to get on the Academy so my voice can be heard. I have a pretty sound method for casting my vote, and all my reviews have been pretty impartial. For the low five Oscar special, click here. Number 1 on this list is my pick for the Best Picture.

#5 - Black Swan

I wish I was the
choreographer on set...

Okay, I was interested in this movie. And not just because we get to see Macaulay Culkin’s ex go down on Nat Portman (who, by the way, I would marry the shit out of). The whole mood of this movie is dark and tense, and I don’t even give a shit about ballet. Like, for some reason I cringed every time Nat clipped herself with the nail scissors or pulled a feather out of her back. Oh yea, that reminds me, feathers come out of her.

The symbolism isn’t very subtle. But it’s clearly supposed to indicate how mentally fucked up ballet can make you. Probably from all that vomiting they do in order to look like 12-year-old boys. Hey, you know what? This role was tailor-made to rub that breakup in Macaulay’s face!

low five: oscar special

In honor of the Oscars, and partially to brag that I saw all 10 nominees, I'm going to break down the best picture category. Number 1 on this list is the worst nominee of the year, and number 1 on the following high five is the best movie, and my pick for the Oscar.

#5 - The Kids Are All Right  

Mark Ruffalo: lesbian
whisperer

I’m torn over this movie. I kind of have this grudge against Julianne Moore because I hate her Boston accent on 30 Rock. And are we seriously supposed to believe that ginger is a landscaper? How do you work outside in the California sun all day and maintain that porcelain freckled skin? I picked Annette Bening for the lead actress because she did a great job pretending to even like Julianne Moore.

But on the other hand, I really liked Mark Ruffalo’s motorcycle. And the movie title clarified some grammar that always confused me. Apparently, alright isn’t a word, and now I’ll have an easier time remembering that. So thanks “The Kids Are All Right”!

CooperMusic: Coheed and Cambria

Well thanks to a certain Boston based shave care company that will not be named not picking up my contract extension, some people might say that I have been in a worse mood than usual.

I know what you're thinking, "but Cooper, who doesn't want to pick up the 12 week, $21 an hour option on one of the best young analytical chemists in the league?" Stupid British people. Thats who.

I also know what you're really thinking, "but Cooper, you're always in such a great mood, you can't let this be the thing that get you down!" And that's where music comes in.

high five: conquering the job market, old world style!

My academic career is coming to a close in just a few months, so I've been writing a lot of cover letters and obsessing over my resume. And for some reason, it's made me wonder which Old World explorer would have the easiest time finding a job today. You gotta think "discovering a continent" pops off the page more than "proficient in Microsoft Word". These guys just sailed ships into the complete unknown, hoping to find spices. There must have been something lost in translation throughout history, because I won't walk to the kitchen for salt. Anyway, let's get into it.

#5 - Henry Hudson

"Target appreciates all your hard
 work. I really hate having to
deny your request for vacation"

Let me paint you a picture. You are camping on the coast of James Bay in Canada, which we have already identified as Cold America. Your ship is trapped in ice. It is December. There are several feet of snow on your makeshift tent. You ask yourself, Why am I here? Oh right, to map the northwest passage with this delusional prick Henry Hudson. Guess what? There is no northwest passage!

Somehow, Hudson was able to convince his crew that there was a very good reason for being stranded in northern Canada for a winter. It's a miracle he was able to stave off mutiny until the following summer. And you know who could use a guy that knows how to lie to a team of young, hardworking idealists? Target!
Ideal Career: Retail Management

What Really Grinds My Gears: When Fast Food Places Run Out of Food

Isn't that just the worst? its late night, you know you can't get anything decent and/or good for you, so you're like fuck it lets hit up Micky D's. Get to the drive through, ask for a Big Mac and the guy working is like sorry we don't have the patties to make that. WHAT!!??? You can't make a fuckin Big Mac? Its NUMBER 1 on your menu. Number fucking 1. AKA the most ordered. You would think they're would be a larger supply. And you know that there's more in the back, this little prick just doesn't wana go defrost more burgers.

You will support the War on Terror (Jedi hand wave)...

A not so long time ago in a land far, far away...

...Or the U.S. Army will use Jedi Mind tricks on you. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up.

Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, is expected to order an investigation into whether a special army unit trained in psychological operations (I can only assume this means using Jedi Mind tricks) tried to manipulate senators into committing more resources to the War on Terror. All of this is according to a report in "Rolling Stone" magazine.

C's Ship Perk and Nate to OKC, Get Green and Krstic......Then trade away the rest of the healthy front court

Ok....So apparently the Danny Ainge got some beer balls yesterday at the trade deadline and made a deal that sent the best defensive center in the NBA to OKC for a young promising swing man. A lot of people are in uproar about this move but don't worry, I'm here to put an ease to your tensions. The C's desperately needed a small forward off the bench. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY badly. And Green is a straight up home run. Hes young, skilled, versatile, and come one, his last name is Green, dude was meant for the C's. But in all honesty this kid gives them something they haven't had since they lost James Posey. They can play Green at the 4, shift KG to 5 and you're looking at a spread out floor that Rondo is gonna eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. As far as loosing big Perk goes its going to be nearly impossible to replace the defensive prowess that he has. I'm pretty sure Pau Gasol pees himself a little bit every time he steps on to the floor with Perk. Also, the big guy wanted big bucks that the C's didn't have, so there was no way he was resigning after this year. Fortunately for us we have the Diesel coming back soon who has shown this year that he is more than capable of holding down the starting spot. Also, Krstic is solid around the rim. He'll be able to put up some decent numbers off the pine and give Shaq a chance to keep his minutes down. Not mention we're also getting a first round pick that is technically the property of the Clippers....aka a potential number one overall. And if Shaq can't come all the way back we still have Luke and Erdin......................

Best Parent Ever?

Do you think that you're a good parent?

Would you sacrifice yourself to save your childs life?

How about their well being?

How about to eliminate their
student loans?

NO!? Then you are not as dedicated to the whole parent thing as this person is.

HumorMe

Yep. Just gonna grab content from everywhere.

CooperMusic: Funky Friday!

Thats right my brothers rejoice!
We have reached the end of the week. What a better way to start then end of it than with some sick nasty funk.

These guys will get their own CooperMusic post eventually, but for now, take a listen to this piece.

WTF!?

Cue the masturbation jokes.......








Alright, so this guy is Matthias Schlitte, and is a 23 year old professional arm wrestler..... notice anything out of the ordinary? HIS RIGHT ARM IS HUGE!

What Really Grinds My Gears: When People Eat Oyster Crackers as Snacks

On tonight's episode....we discuss a serious pandemic: When people eat oyster crackers as regular snacks. Granted, they are delicious little treats that taste like saltines on steroids. But let me paint you a scene.

I want one!

Alright, hold the presses, Why dont I own one of these yet?

It makes riding a stupid bike seem so much cooler. I do have a couple of questions though.

low five: spring break stay-aways

My fellow gentleman Sac has just declared that in two days, we will welcome the official start to Spring. What's the best part of spring? Not baseball. Not flowers. Not St. Patrick's day. Well, maybe St. Patrick's day. But for college kids everyone, it means it's time for a spring break getaway. Well, in the spirit of negativity, here are 5 places you should from which you should STAY AWAY.

#5 - Toronto

What an exotic locale!

Unless you are a college kid between the ages of 17 and 21 living in the greater Buffalo area, I see no reason to go to Toronto. It’s basically America, but probably colder than wherever you’re coming from. The only thing they do well in Canada – hockey – is a fruitless attraction. The Toronto Maple Leafs must have a record high “sell-out-to-win” ratio. They always sell out but rarely win.

Now, some of my friends might make the argument “Hey Evan, stop being a douche bag. Toronto is a great place to take a long weekend and catch a Red Sox road game.” But to those people I say, why leave Boston during the summer, when we can actually go to beaches and enjoy the warm weather? I vacation when there is 3 feet of snow out, I don’t escape 80 degree weather.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SATURDAY IS????!!!!!!!!!!

If the picture hasn't given it away already, the answer is the first official spring training games!!!! FUCK YES! BASEBALL! AMERICA! I can't even explain how pumped I am, this shit is better than Christmas for me. For me, baseball is the greatest game ever made. It has always and will always be my favorite sport of all time. Granted, I know the crowd I'm preaching this too. Half the guys on here can't stand the sport. Well, suck my dick you communist bastards.



Let me spell out just what spring training means.

Throwback Thursdays - XFL

That's right. Your eyes have not deceived you. For that is the one, the only logo of the prestigious, former football league. The Extrem...wait - the "X" didn't actually stand for anything because the "Extreme Football League" was already in existence (something the organizers figured out after they already settled on a name).

CooperMusic: BT

BT, as far as I stand, is pretty much one of the OG's of trance music. He's also the lead artist on my "things need to get DONE" playlist.

For those not in the know, trance is sort of the middle of the road in electronica. If techno is "hard" and ambient is well, soft, trance is pretty much dead in the middle. Side note, people who like trance are hardcore about it. Like, my obsession with Halo hardcore does not compare.

Anyways, he was a huge influence on the beginnings of trance becoming its own art form.

What Really Grinds My Gears: LAX Bros

Yup, the lords of duchebaggery. The LAX Bros. With their generic LAX hats, LAX pennies, florescent sunglasses, flows, pink board shorts, and duck shoes. Do I even have to elaborate on this one? You know, guys who have blatant disregard for every non-bro around them due to their immense family wealth and false sense of entitlement. Still don't know what I'm talking about? You know the guys who like to act like their tough shit in blatant scenarios where they know its physically impossible for a physical altercation to ensue?


Well if you still don't know what I'm talking about, here's a little video that pretty much sums it up. Not the best video ever, but I applaud the effort.




And that's what really grinds my gears....

Jesus Christchurch, what is happening?!

So, Old Testament God is back! Why else would a place called Christchurch get destroyed by an earthquake? Old Testament God was always doing that shit. Hey Job, you've been awesome. BUT I'm gonna go ahead and ruin your life just to see if you're gonna be cool about it. Hey Abraham, thanks for all the worship, now go kill your son. Hey Christchurch, I'm flattered by your name choice and as a token of my appreciation, have this earthquake.

So there are a couple of parts to this video that I love. Click the little "Read More" button for awesomeness!

Dubai? I just said Hello

...I know, just killing it today.

But really, about 3 years ago I'm pretty sure everyone had it in their heads to visit Duabi at some point in their life. I mean, PGA certified courses, that whole man made island thing, tallest building in the world, generally everyone being rich... whats not to like about this? Dubai was basically advertised as the Vegas of the Middle East. Like I'm pretty sure Aladdin was chilling there with some genies and a pile of gold.

Apparently , 40% of the buildings in the country? city? (don't kill me) are vacant. As in, forty which by my calcuations is close to 50, fitty, whatever. Consequently, they keep building things and prices keep falling.

So this is supposed to dicourage people from going there? I mean " last year Dubai office space was the fourth most expensive in the world, at $1,214 per square foot per year." Is that a joke? 2 square feet of office space is the same as a crappy Boston apartment?

Good things come to those who wait... now as long as the pats keep losing I can afford to rent out some space in Dubai to chill in after I go to foxborough.

WTF!?

I know you all just read the title, but i assure you this is not cooper, its still D²B²

I just came across an interesting article.

To give you the run down, Beyonce is apparently getting crap for a recent photo shoot.

The picture, included here, shows Beyonce with a noticeable darker face than she usually has, and thats exactly what she is getting crap for!

Excuse me people of the world! What is the reason for the uproar?

Do you think that she is trying to trick us? That no one will notice that she is considerably darker than usual?

or maybe its safe to assume that she's just wearing make-up for a photo shoot, which is done.... i dont know? all the time!

The article quotes a bunch of people ive never heard of complaining like this person, Charing Ball- "Blackface is not fashion forward or edgy and, in my opinion, it is just flat-out offensive," writes Ball, incriminating Beyonce in perpetuating the offense.

I leave you with some thoughts that ran through my head as i read this.....

1. can someone "blackface" when the are black?
2. Does this mean white people cant tan anymore?
and 3.... The makeup artist missed Beyonces chest

IM OUT!

Brilliant?

Bulgaria is in a recession, so what does any good leader do to bring the country out of it you ask? Lower the price of their favorite alcohol. Potentially dropping the price from 8 levs down to 5-6 levs (25-38% drop in price!).

Why didn't we think of this? We even temporarily raised the alcohol tax in Massachusetts.
Is this a brilliant idea or does Bulgaria still suck?

American Hero of the Week: Charlie Sheen

Yup! That's right! Good old Chuck Sheen. Why is he an American hero you ask? Dude lives the life and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. He gets paid bank to play himself on a hit TV show, has three way with porn stars, and is brothers with Gordon Bombay. You just know that no one hates him more than Allan. That dude shows up to work everyday, has to put thought and effort into playing his character, and every single interview the dude does starts with "So what do you think about Charlie Sheen?" He deffinately has multiple dart boards in his house with Chuck's picture on it.


So here's to you Ricky Vaughn, keep doing what you do. You're 2 and 1/2 times the man then the rest of us.


**Also Charlie is more or less responsible for 95% of Perm's drunken antics.

high five: muppets you can count on

Okay, my new years resolution was to be less of a negative asshole. So I decided that I need to balance out every "low five" list with a "high five" list. Today's topic is the best muppet wingmen. Does anyone know of any good bars on Sesame Street?


#5 - Oscar the Grouch

Anyone who has ever seen a teen movie could tell you that the asshole is always the ladies man, so I can only assume Oscar is the stud of Sesame Street. He can tell them to lose 10 lbs or try more makeup, and they’ll just keep coming back for more. I bet that when Katy Perry came to Sesame Street, he asked if she was still using her Pro-active.

The fact that he lives in a trashcan is a good insurance policy that he won’t try to take your girl home. The only downside is having to work your game amidst the putrid cloud of stink that seeps from Oscar’s pores because, like I said, dude lives in a trashcan.

Movie Review

Movie reviews are fun for blogs.... so lets do this!

I recently watched 127 hours with James Franco... Yes the guy who runs around in a goblin suit getting high can apparently act. Now before you say "But he's a good actor... blah, blah, blah" I KNOW! I did my research and can only assume he got good at acting while on General Hospital.... yea, he did soaps.

Now to the movie itself. I recently stated (see first sentence of the first paragraph) that i watched 127 hours. By this... I meant that i watched that scene where he cuts his arm off, and yea it was awesome.

Here it is.... the whole movie as far as im concerned, and Im giving it 1 American Flag, cause one is all you need.

America - Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, Place for People with no Common Sense

Wow Coop I can't believe that just happened. Thanks for calling that to my attention because people just don't make sense. That judge must not know anything about technology. He threw out the case because the Trooper didn't know when the gun was last calibrated? When's the last time you had your smartphone calibrated? Oh what's that never? Because it's not supposed to be used as a radar gun.

Not to mention GPS's are hardly the most accurate devices made - ask Michael Scott (The pic is a link).

And anyone can create an app. How do we know that kid didn't just develop an app that shows the top speed never going above a certain point? Sure, maybe he wasn't going 40, but you mean to tell me this teenager only drove ONE MILE AN HOUR ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT the whole time?



This gets to my second point - the protests in Wisconsin about teacher unions. Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about the proceedings beside a few basic facts. But I can across this photo to the right.

Really? Doing yoga in the capital building? What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Maybe they're going for the I'm-Mike-Tyson-you-have-no-idea-what-crazy-shit-I-might-pull-next effect. Maybe the governor is shaking in his boots because he pissed these people off so much that they showed their anger by doing yoga in a government building. I'd be scared. I can even understand why in the 60's women took off their bras and threw them in barrels to show men can't hold them down. But this? I just don't know.

People Who are doing it RIGHT

I guess I'm going to be dominating the morning posts, so we might as well get on with it yeah?

Todays Guy who is doing it right : Man beats Speeding Ticket using Android phone (link)

I'm sure at one point or another in our lives, we've all said "there's no way that speed gun can be correct." I mean Aroldis Chapman's Nolan Ryan's fastball? Those apps that tell you when the T is supposed to show up? Any baseball on FOX? That guy in the KHL who supposedly shot a 113 mph slapshot?

So basically this guy gets pulled over for doing 40 in a 25 in some obscure county in CA. Kid obviously doesn't have the cash to go paying up for no reason, so he decides to fight the ticket. Not just because he hopes the cop isn't going to show up, but becuase he's running a GPS tracking app on his smartphone. Kid's got timestamped data of all his speed and coordinates on the day and it shows him doing a max of 26 at any point.

It gets better! So instead of being a loudmouth in court, kid asks some questions and finds out "that the officer did not recall the last time he attended radar gun training, when the device was last calibrated, or the unit’s model number." Great job brochacho. Then breaks out his data from his trip. BAM. no ticket.

I mean even though the judge "chose to clarify his decision by citing the lack of evidence on the officer’s part. The judge mentioned that he "was not familiar enough with GPS technology to make a decision based on my evidence," when a kid busts out a computer to prove you wrong you let him go.

Now I know a few police officers and I have the utmost respect for them, but to any cop who doesn't want to give everyone they pull over an excise to fight the ticket, step your game up.

This kid and people who have useful smartphone apps: DOING IT RIGHT.

Blog Vader

LOVE IT! Already got some back and forth going, got kids making two log-in names just to get their point across after misreading what I had to say. Love it. Pretty quickly its becoming clear I'm going to be the villain of this shit and I love it. I'll take that shit and run with it. Gotta have a little protagonist/antagonist action to get a great story, just ask Brian Griffin. So lets just make this shit official, buy me a black helmet, cape, and Miami Heat Jersey. (except not the Heat jersey...I hate those guys as much as the next person)

***side note*** my aim is not to turn every post into a shit on cooper show, but remember when we said we're not gonna make it like Barstool? I'm pretty sure (and by pretty I mean positive) they have a guy on payroll who's one job is to recap the Bruins.... but hey what do i know I'm just a doctor.

30 Second Bruins Recap

Looch, teabaggin

Timmy, flailin

Brad "I'm just going to keep scoring everyone get on my level but I won't win rookie of the year" Marchand

3-1 Bruins douse the Flames

Goal of the night: Get on this guy's level. SPIN MOVE

This is why I hate Like a G6/ 95% of rap music

Excuse the top line. It's the pictures i'm concerned about.

The music used to mean something maaaan. And contrary to Sac, I actually like a bit of the stuff thats come out recently.

Just certain things bother me. Shocker.

I can smell the flame war coming from here. Come at me bros.

What Really Grinds My Gears

So Cooper you actually did something good with your last post and inspired what is going to be my cornerstone. That's right, I'm paying homage to Peter Griffin, in a segment called "What Really Grinds My Gears."

Today's segment is inspired by Cooper's random music post. Not necessarily saying that Coop a loop is one of these people, but what really grinds my gears are the people who hate songs that are on the radio for the mere fact that they are on the radio. Its always, "oh they sold out" or "fucking conformists" etc. etc. NEWS FLASH when millions of people like a song, chances are that its pretty fucking good. I mean yea there is some good underground shit out there, but its just wrong to deny a good song just because it got in the right hands at the right time. Im fucking sorry that no one wants to listen to some asshole scream into a mic over heavy guitar or some dude who got shot 69 times, killed 16 dudes, and raped a chick isn't getting recognized for his street cred. Cry me a fucking river and get a job.

Take Coop's disdain for G6. Coop, hate to tell you, song is a smash, straight up. Throw that shit on in the cluuuuuuuuuuub, even the people taking shits are gonna go nuts. Don't be mad Banished By never caught on, just appreciate those crazy asains in the Far East Movement for the simple formula they've created.

Bottom line, pop some bottle in the ice, like a blizzard, and when you get drunk do it right get slizzered. Also if you get to slizzered make sure you can make it to the toilet.

And that's what really grinds my gears.

CooperMusic: deadmau5

So recently, deadmau5 (pronounced deadmouse, not dead mau five) has been blowing up all over the place. Whether it was DJ'ing the MTV VMA's or being sampled in "Ghosts over a G6" by Basic Physics, it seems like more and more music is becoming electronic based. You can blame Lady Gaga for that.
Side note, I hate the Basic Physics song because I'm a huge purist who hates having good songs (Ghosts n' Stuff) ruined by crappy songs (like a G6).
Anyways, I'm coming clean about this guy. I saw this dude in August at the House of Blues in Boston in maybe the hottest show ever. I mean that in a heat sense (it was about 105 in there) and a "this concert was badass" approach.

Anyways, I want people to know that deadmau5 is one of my top 5 favorite artists right now. And, well, let's just get to it. Here he is featuring Rob Swire (of Pendulum fame, my #1 band right now). Bump this next time you're in the cluuuub. By the way, a suitably nerdy video.

Evan: Who Cares?

In response to evan's suckabitch post earlier about "dominating his fellow gentlemen," its not about quantity, its about quality. First off, who cares about a bunch of random ass cars? And where was the mention of Daewoo? Second, a kid with too much free time? weak. We get it, kid has no life and makes cake sculptures and beats off to cake boss.

Bottom line, post something good before calling us out.


**Note** I know I haven't posted anything....at all.....but give it time...I spent my day doing homework and playing NHL.

angry birds. now with 100% more cake!

I'm only moderately impressed. I wouldn't call that a cake, it's more like an edible interpretation of a video game. That candle looked so out of place. Plus, it was made for a 6 year old. What is that kid doing with an iPhone to play on? I seriously doubt he could even beat the first level. I mean, look at him shooting the cake birds. Just launching away, not even aiming for the pigs.

That being said, I like the kid from this video. He and I have the same reaction to surprises. Just stoic silence. That dad spent all day painstakingly making a detailed candy replica of angry birds, and the kid might as well be looking at an issue of popular science. Could've just given him that slingshot and made his day.

By the way, I am dominating my fellow gentlemen in the contribution department. The perks of being a full-time grad student I guess.

low five: cars to keep you single and sexless

So, the low five is an exercise in finding fault. Should be pretty easy, right? First topic; cars that, when used properly, will keep even the most trashy and desperate girls at bay. Let's dive right in.

#5 - Early '90s Saab 900

Okay, so if you bought this within 2 years of its release, you may be grandfathered in to its coolness. Coincidentally, you may also be a grandfather.

I mean, I understand that Saab once built military jets, but unless this thing can break sound barriers while blowing stuff up, I don't want it. I looks like someone asked a cross-eyed toddler to draw a Porsche 911.


#4 - Lincoln Mark LT

Basically the best way to advertise your poor decision-making skills to the world is to buy a Lincoln truck. It's just nice enough that you wouldn't use it for manly, badass stuff like storm chasing or hauling the Budweiser horses to their next commercial shoot.

But it's also not luxurious enough to come off as rich and/or famous. When rappers continue to break new ground with anthems about demeaning their hoes and popping their champagne, they celebrate with a new Escalade. Not a Ford with more chrome and leather. No one wants a Lincoln.

#3 - Honda CR-Z Hybrid

But wait, it's a hybrid! That's cool right? We should all try to help the environment. True, but the purpose of this car is to combine efficiency with excitement. I'm an engineering student, so I know for a fact the two do not mix. The best feature is the built-in guilt trip. When you drive aggressively, the gauges turn blue to make you sad. When you drive like there's a cop behind you, they turn green because nature wants to give you a hug.

The whole concept of "sport hybrid" would be a little more palatable if the car wasn't based of the anatomy of a hamster. There's hardly any shape to it. As if the Honda designers dropped a chunk of clay on the table and decided, "Hey, all this needs is an obnoxiously large grill!" Well done, Honda.

#2 - Anything from the now-defunct manufacturer Geo

I want to start by saying that I don't think I have ever seen two members of the opposite sex together in a Geo. And while the gay community could argue that isn't strictly grounds for inclusion in this list, I think they would agree that these are some of the worst-looking cars ever.

The Geo Tracker. Part truck, part convertible, entirely useless. It's like the weaker and uglier sibling of the Jeep Wrangler. It never stood a chance against car natural selection.

This little monstrosity is called the Metro. Interesting name, considering it's the latin root for city. You know, those things that are very big and contain a lot of people. I can see how that name is appropriate for a tiny hatchback.

The only Geo model not pictured is the Prizm, in which I have had the privilege of riding. I had a coworker who owned one in a beautiful shade of "apricot ice". That was the actual name of the paint. We looked it up when I asked him if he chose the metallic shade of orange, or if it was some kind of cruel college prank.

#1 - Scion xB

This car represents a number of others of the same style; ugly boxes. For the still-too-high price of $16,000 you can shamefully drive home this prison cell on wheels. But hey, at least you can customize it!

As someone who has been there before, I want to pass on some knowledge to boyscouts everywhere. The Pinewood derby is quickly approaching! If you are participating, you will envision a beautiful Ferrari carved from that little block of wood. You will dream of those plastic wheels burning up the giant sloped ramp that passes as a track. But your life is too busy watching cartoons and eating fruit roll-ups, so you will forget. And then it will be race day, and you will only have time to paint your block and put wheels on it. Just a zero-percent resemblance to an actual car. Well, kids, start getting your resume ready, because Scion is interested.

Cool story?

Zombie Jesus has made a bold attempt at posting something funny. While he is traditionally our technology and religion guru, I will help him to convey his point eloquently. But really, I just want to hijack his first post. So without further ado, Zombie Jesus would like you to check out this link.

I think it is a good follow-up to our maiden post about being bold. And Malaysian police now know to rule this guy out of their search for the 725,000 missing condoms.

UPDATE
found a picture of this badass. source = thechive.com

Arghhhhhh

Alright, here we go.

So i figured i would start out with a real blog post....

For those of you who dont stay in touch with pirate culture i suppose i will have to let you know the most recent turn of events.

Heres the scoops. Pirates are cool.... pirates who just take people as ransom suck..... pirates that kill Americans should be excommunicated from the pirate community and shot on site

In this recent "Pirate" attack.... (i use quotations because of my recently stated views of pirating) FOUR Americans were killed. 4!? What the hell?

Why have hostages become the primary source of income for pirates? What happened to just regular ol looting and plundering?

"Pirates - who currently hold 30 ships and more than 660 hostages - typically win a multimillion ransom for releasing their captives, a huge sum that is shared among investors and pirates. The money is often spent on alcohol, drugs and prostitutes. One ransom paid last year was reported as $9.5 million. Most ransoms are worth several million dollars."

Its a Pirates life for me.... not a criminal whos gonna get two bullets to the brain for holding people ransom life for me...

In closing, America needs to stop responding with the Navy, and come up with our own pirate fleet. Nothing says America like competition.... and blowing shit up.

So lets do this!



-Commandant Barbosa

What to Expect from Me

I gotta be honest, I'm going to be the most lazy contributer to this blog out of everyone. Don't expect propper grammer, cuz fuck that who has time to spell and shit. Second, Cooper, this isn't Google Docs so i dont know what exactly you're getting at. Third, Evan, you have already failed by letting Mark make posts, you dumb suckabitch. Fourth, can we please not try to completely rip barstool....that'd just be gay. Fifth, why am I counting each point I make. Finally, I'm probably just gonna post random shit I think is cool or worthwhile like show/movie reviews, make fun of Cooper, and make fun of everyones inevitable billions of Bruins posts.


So...fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you I'm out

Zombie Jesus

Hey everyone I'm Zombie Jesus and I'll be positing about Jesus

We are...

...a league of just ordinary gentlemen. Look we didn't even capitalize the blog name. Nothing says "run-of-the-mill" more than a name that doesn't even use upper case letters. Most of us have probably never even seen the movie "A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" because that would be too much to ask. And that movie sucked. Seriously. It got a 5.5/10 on IMDB, but Comcast probably gave it 4 stars. Out of all of us, I'm guessing only Evan has seen it start-to-finish because of his quest for trivia domination.

...just some mundane men. You know, average Joe's, regular guys. Hoping to make a name for ourselves in this cold, cruel world. But now the world is our audience (despite language barriers) because the World Wide Web is in fact - world wide. Shocking.

...extraordinarily ordinary. And hopefully extraordinarily funny too. But serious and sensitive at times because everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. We hope you love us and laugh with us. We hope we brighten your day and make you happy. We hope we spark some sort of dialogue as we share our thoughts. And we hope you wonder why they have seat belts on airplanes - if that is all we can accomplish.

"People Who Are Doing It Right" 2/22/11

Welcome to the League ladies and gents.

Before we start let me introduce myself.
Hello Ladies, I'm Cooper.

I'll probably be the butt of everyone's jokes, but I'm here to give you updates on completely useless things that could be potentially useful for discussions pertaining to the areas in which you reside and the people you need to make conversation with. I'm long winded and nonsensical, deal with it. Also, I'm probably going to post on this too much, since I do in every other website I sign up for. I'm also a nerd. Going to rip off use reddit and Fark for a lot of my materials.

Right then, Today's Cooper Edition of "People Who are Doing it Right" takes you to Portland Maine. (link) The Erdinger Brewing Company has been handing out mugs of Alkoholfrei at the World Cup Biatholon event to athletes. Ok that's pretty normal. I mean, using winter athletes to promote beer? Not a bad idea. Wait, they're advertising it as "an isotonic, vitamin-rich, no-additive beverage with natural regenerative powers."

In english, science nerd.

Basically, instead of grabbing a G3 or whatever the heck Peyton Manning is drinking in those Gatorade commercials, this company wants you to grab a beer.
Where do I sign up? Beer? Rehdrating? Healthy Beer? This is going to take beer league to a whole new.... what the hell it's non-alcoholic.
Ok, so bright side, I get to drink beer at the end of my workout. Can't help shaking that I'm going to be drinking a Zima or St. Pauli N/A though. No need to give everyone else more ammo on me.

Why am I here?

All great things begin with a mission statement. Or, at the very least, some purpose for existence. For our collection of ordinary men, this blog will serve to occupy our time while (hopefully not totally) wasting yours.

This blog can only hope to match the youthful ambition and lofty expectations demonstrated by these brave Malaysians. I mean, if EACH of these guys used 1 condom a day, their haul would last them 662 years. The great Roman poet Virgil first wrote that "fortune favors the bold", but as these men have already been caught, I will end this post with a more appropriate quote by the renown Canadian thespian Seth Rogen; "Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!" And unfortunately for these thieves, Malaysia is a little short on condoms...