high five: Roald Dahl characters for president

Have you every thought about the mindset of a children's author? It must be really hard to write a story that a kid can understand, because kids are dumb and have no attention span. So obviously, whatever extra detail the author gives to his characters will probably go unnoticed until the loyal child audience grows up. It's like in cartoons, when you are old enough you start noticing the weird and funny stuff that went right over your head as a kid. Go watch Rocko's Modern Life now and you will understand what I'm talking about...

So now that I'm 23, I can look back at the most prominent characters of my favorite childhood author, Roald Dahl, and see what kind of people (or animals) they really are. Turns out, they are pretty well-suited to run against Donald Trump for the 2012 presidency. Now I'll step in as campaign manager and make a case for each...


#5 - James (and his giant peach)

James and his Chief of Staff review military strategy

Even as a child, James demonstrates incredible diplomatic and leadership skills. He manages to get a bunch of insects to not only refrain from eating each other, but from eating their flying piece of fruit. I mean, if a spider is starving to death, it will eat a ladybug and a cricket. But James just would not allow that. He got these bugs to put their natural survival instincts aside for the betterment of the group.

So just image James on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East. All he would need is an comically-oversized fruit to hold a meeting between Palestinians, Israelis, Kurds, Sunnis, and Shi'ites, and then just fly that vessel into the middle of nowhere. A variety of wacky obstacles will force these enemies to work together and learn from each other. And before you know it, a mutual respect will have formed between all groups and peace will spread throughout the region, bringing our gas prices back to Earth.

What Makes a Great Show?

Since were just posting pictures......

Angry Cooper Rants: Table Tap Bans

If there's two things I enjoy in this world, it would probably be beer and friends. I'm sure this is going to end up with a joke from thedirtydogg about my choice in sexual orientation, but honestly, who wants to deal with all the drama and the flirting and the hlguahlgauhglhag now I'm off topic.

Why yes, I have said this before.

Caught myself there. Anways, I'm sure I'm the only person who's ever said this, but if you like two things, why not combine them? No, I'm not talking about making beer out of my friends (although at some point this summer I'm homebrewing and it's going to be called CoopBeer or something terrible and awful with a pun in the name.) I'm not a mad scientist like that. HOWEVER, I do like to drink beer with my friends. And occassionally, it would be quite a lot of beer. Now usually, some combination of Perm being a hermit and none of us ever having enough money to make it rain in the cluuuub and DD'ing and early last calls and a dumb T schedule and (did i mention it's really effing expensive to drink in boston?) a bunch of other things leads us to stay "in".

Okay, that was the worst 2 opening paragraphs ever. Just hit the read more button.

Nerdity! April Fools Trolling.

Somebody do this tomorrow

U Mad Bro?

(angry cooper rant later today)

Just saying

I totally Cooper-ized this post and just have a screenshot.

Finalyyyyyy...Baseball

Well its been awhile since I put up a posted that literally everyone hated. So here it is. Baseball is back baby!!!!!!! You thought I was pumped about spring training?? Tomorrow is like a combination of Christmas and something else really really good that I can't think of right now. Maybe light-sabers? Anyways I can't even wait. America's fucking nation pastime in full swing! Literally....
Yea Swish is pumped too....

high five: awesome things i want but have no need for

So everyone has probably heard the expression "money can't buy happiness". That depends on how much money you have; if you so poor that you can't pay your electric bill, then you can't experience the glory that is The Internet! You have to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like reading newspapers and magazines during the day. But if you have a few million extra dolla-dolla bills to throw around, you can find all kinds of happiness in the following items.

NOTE: this post will be significantly more interesting if you take 15 seconds to click the linked item name and take a quick look at what I'm talking about. You have been warned. If you don't click the links and don't like this post, you have no one to blame but yourself...

#5 - Caterham Superlight

This guy stole my goggle idea

Possibly the coolest thing on 4 wheels, the Caterham 7 is like a high-powered go-kart. That long nose is just one big engine, and you don't even need a trunk, roof, or even a full windshield. Almost all the weight of the car comes from its mechanical parts, meaning it has a power-to-weight ratio the surpasses a Lamborghini. Hence the hefty price (1 British pound = $1.59).

So, obviously I would get one of these little cars in lime green and speed around town wearing my old-school leather racing goggles and a cabbie hat. Like, straight out of the 1920's. Picture some rich douche bag stopped at a light in his entirely unoriginal Corvette. Then I roll up with a flapper girl in the passenger seat and start revving my little Caterham, the red light glinting off my racing goggles. This guy must be thinking, "Seriously? I'll show this bitch what American muscle is all about". The light turns green, and I'm Gone with the Wind (see what I did there?). Muah-ha-ha...

Morning Headlines/ 30 Second Bruins

So i figure that since analytical chemists start work at 7 but don't actually start work until 9, figure I'd post some morning headlines when I get the chance.

-April Fools mothereffers here's a potential foot of snow for Worcester on Friday. Guess we're going to mostly get rain, but it brings back memories of this storm.

-Some guy breaks through a piece of plywood that was covering a giant hollow pylon near the red line T. Gets stuck in the pylon and had to be pulled out with "injuries." Can you smeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllll what the lawsuit is cookin.

(Bruins junk after the jump)

Teach Tuesday: Lightsabers

ALRIGHT! Enough is enough. Seriously, this is probably one of the most wanted pieces of technology. There really isnt too much to say about them.

1. They are badass

2. They look cool

3. They would make any confrontation 1000x better (UFC is for fairies, lightsaber duels is where its at)

4. Seriously though, its a sword.... made out of a laser

5. They make EVERYTHING better

6. They are badass

Cooper Music: Batman is Confused....by Sac

danananananananananananaaa batman!

People Who Are Doing It Wrong: FX

FX cancels 'Lights Out'; Perm Inconsolable


I'm sorry buddy, but apparently Lights didn't pull the ratings they needed. Good thing, cause I'm just waiting for their next series. I heard it's about Plastic surgeons a boxer Private Eyes who have to do questionally moral things while facing relationship problems and an ambiguous mix of acquaintances who are sure to betray you and enemies who will end up helping you. Also it involves uncomfortable sex scenes. Keep your chin up, buddy, you'll find a new show soon.

haha get it, that was a boxing pun.... chin... god i'm killing myself today.

A Partial Solution for Facebook Inanity

Much better.

I was playing around with learning jQuery today and ended up writing a small Greasemonkey script for Facebook. Essentially what the script does is replace all of the comments displayed in the news feed on your home page with the first part of a random Wikipedia article and a link to the full article.

Weird Weekend Discovery: New Haven is for Fascists?

I'm going to try out this new segment called Weird Weekend Discovery. It probably won't be a weekly thing, since I rarely do anything interesting on the weekend. But I found some compelling evidence this weekend that suggests the city of New Haven, Connecticut is run by fascists.


If you are new to this blog, it's probably because you are a government agent and this site has now been flagged for suspicion of terrorism. But hopefully you will see that our country has a very serious threat that has flown under the radar for some time now. Let me (very objectively) show you why we should build a wall around New Haven and cut off their supplies.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Qatar Getting the World Cup Over the US Then Trying to Justify It by Doing Silly Things Like Trying to Build A Fake Cloud

So I'm not the biggest soccer fan out there because, well, I live in America. BUT, I am a huge USA fan, regardless of what sport they're playing. And I also hate when people get things over America, because fuck them thats why. If you don't like America then you can just geeeeet outtttt. So naturally, I was disappointed when Qatar got the 2022 World Cup over the good old U S of A. This annoyed me even more when I read (yes I actually read) and article on Yahoo yesterday about how they're going to invest all of the oil money into building a fake cloud to keep the stadium cool....yup I said fake cloud.

Angry Cooper Rants: BBM

So I'm going to assume for the sake of brevity, our statistics on where our hits are coming from (and you not reading a ton of rambling) that you've met me. By this, it means you know 2 things.

---I don't watch a lot of network TV

---You've made fun of me about my interactions with the opposite sex.

So within the last few weeks I've devised an evil plan. Some combination of joining a summer ice hockey league, it being nicer out (eventually), and the desire to look good in the cluuuuub has got me exercising.

Pictured: My summer plans

I believe that Mr. Guarino described my routine best as the "fat kid exercise" plan. In addition to running and a regular set time for general exercises, should I happen to be watching something on the television later (in last night's case the Bruins), every time there is a commercial break it is my obligation to perform 20 pushups and some combination of abdominal exercises. I'll save you the rest of plan that is sure to go wrong, but last night I stumbled upon a commercial that made me wtf.

Tur-duck-en, move over

Turducken, you have always captured my imagination and my stomach. For years now, your majesty of stuffed turkey, with duck and chicken seemed awesome, and almost mythical. How awesome can one dinner be? Apparently a lot more, cause it turns out that the turducken is the bitch of birds being stuffed into other birds.

Greatest Song Ever....Winning

So I don't know if this gem has made its way arround the internet yet, but I just heard it for the first time. I know rmed wanted less of this guy...well too bad.

Need More: Contributions from Detroit

Detroit has pretty much been a symbol of the economic crisis. The center of the American Auto Industry turned into a wasteland. And eguarino even listed it as the 4th location on his Spring Break stay-away low five.

Which is why I was so confused when that guy tried to light his underoos on fire and blow up a plane over Detroit. Why pick a city that was already so desolate? They completely got the Unabomber's strategy wrong: you live in seclusion, and bomb the places where the population is relatively high. Not the other way around. In this case, we should be happy terrorist's are dumbasses.

Now I understand a lot more because we finally got it all cleared up. According to this story from Yahoo, the original targets were Chicago or Houston, but flights were too expensive. Ummm guys? Did you know you can only get Southwest fares on Southwest.com? And bags fly free so you wouldn't even need to light your crotch up. Unless you're planning on lighting a fart (which in itself is questionable), there's no excuse to put matches within a 4 foot radius of your genitals.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Bouncers Who Can't Do Basic Math

Ok so I took a few days off but I'm back. It really took everything in my power not to do a Cooper based posting...at this point hes just asking for it. I actually had one written out but I determined I can't do it without it getting to a point where Cooper might kill himself or run away to South America to start life over as a sheep herder. That being said, let me get to these fucking bouncers. Clearly they are a necessity, especially when dealing with a bunch of dumb ass college kids in the middle of Worcester. BUT, there should be more of a requirement then just looking like Perm with a giant beard and a shit ton of tats. Basic math should be right up there on the list.

People Who are Doing it Wrong: ME!

So I'm looking to the public here for help. I figure if people are going to post good articles infequently, I might as well keep the interest level in the blog from flatlining by posting filler. Everyone wins; you get new content, I get to blog, and everyone's articles look better by comparison. Is this something you want me to keep doing? Should I only post when I find something epic (which would basically be never)? Am I doing it wrong?

Also I'm scooping sac's article.

U Jelly Sac?

Also the correct answer is I don't care and I'm going to post anyways, but I will respectfully listen to any comments.

Movies I Want to See (But Probably Won't)

So if you've had more than one conversation with me, it's probably become obvious that I don't watch movies. I really just don't. I like movies, I'll watch certain ones pretty religiously (Dark Knight lol), but in general I always talk a big game in going to see a movie and then never actually going through with it.

So who amongst you wonderful readers wants to let me know if they have IFC and when this is on. This is relevant to my interested in the way that A) I generally enjoy stupid superhero movies and B) have a crush on Ellen Page. And i mean it's got that guy from the office that everyone seems to like so uh yeah, SUPER.

low five: historically bad parenting

Blogging back-to-back days? Who do I think I am, Cooper? Anyway, my mom runs a daycare out of our house. It is probably in the top 5 most annoying things in my life, since whenever I am home I am awoken to the sounds of screaming babies and tiny stomping feet. But once in a while, I venture upstairs to the baby corral and see what all the fuss is about.

Yesterday was one of those days, and out of sheer pity I decided to help my mom out and play with the kids. For some reason, there is this weird age gap where kids like me. It must be because they don't yet understand sarcasm so they take everything I say as a positive. For instance, "Wow, great job, you almost kicked that ball," actually sounds encouraging to them. It makes me think I should never have kids. Plus, I have so much bad karma built up that any of my offspring will have tails and flippers and other such deformities. But I wouldn't be the worst parent in the world; there are at least 10 others ahead of me.

#5 Leticia Jean and Billy Ray Cyrus

Does anyone else find this creepy?

If we have learned anything from Miley Cyrus, it's that redneck parents and hollywood stardom do not mix. Just take a look at Miley's Wikipedia page; the longest section is subtitled "Controversies". I guess I'll just pick a few from the extensive list to illustrate how little the Cyrus' care about their daughter's actions, and how they are basically using her to maintain their pseudo-celebrity status.

How is it okay to have your 15-year-old daughter pose in nothing but a sheet for the cover of Vanity Fair. Then, a year later, defend her lapdance on a 46-year-old producer as something kids will do. I guess that's just how kids roll down in Tennessee? And here I thought they were just simple, frog-loving folks (see #2). The best part of the whole parenting situation occurred just a few months ago. After video of Miley smoking salvia (what, California was all out of weed?), her dad TWEETED to half a million followers "Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I'm so sad. There is much beyond my control right now". Billy Ray Cyrus, publicly parenting 140 characters at a time.

Shameless Self-Promotion Morning

Caution: Don't go behind the link if you don't want to puke.

Coopermusic: Lateralus

Welcome to my first of (many) posts about Tool. There's a bunch I could say here, but basically it can be surmised as "you got your math in my hard rock... you got your hard rock in my math....awesome"

Prepare for mindfucking

low five: the most egotistical literary heroes

Lately I have been trying to do more leisure reading. It's not like engineering students have a lot of reading to do, unless you count referencing building codes. So I figured my free time would be best spent catching up on some classics. But what I have noticed is that a lot of characters are just portrayed as better than everyone else. In some cases, they have almost no faults. The only thing worse than this type of character is one who thinks they are better than everyone else, or that they have no faults.

So now that I have to endure the constant media coverage of people like Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, and Donald Trump, I can't help but see their most annoying qualities in some of the most notorious literary heroes. Like, I think about Jay Gatsby's awesome parties and great reputation, and I think "winning". But then I picture him as the sad, washed-up addict that is Charlie Sheen. Maybe if we can just reunite him with his Daisy Buchanon, he'll stop this ridiculous tour and close his twitter account.


#5 - Holden Caulfield

I won't try to imagine what
Holden looks like. That
would be phony...

This has got to be the whiniest, most self-centered kid ever to achieve a mass following. He is easily the most beloved hipster. The kid is always calling other people phony and sees himself as some kind of guardian of innocence. Instead of staying in school, getting help for his grades, and reaching out to make new friends, Holden writes the whole experience off as superficial and useless. Obviously, getting drunk and paying a hooker for conversation is a much more fulfilling experience. Basically, Holden is a dumb kid who has mastered the art of angst. By telling himself he is above everything that he fails miserably at, he can still feel superior in some way.

And the ultimate mark of a self-centered egomaniac is inviting your ex-girlfriend to a musical and then asking her to move away with you. That was your play, Holden? Yeah, I can't believe it didn't work. Must be one crazy bitch to not want to spend her life in the collapsing black hole of melancholy and drear that is your life. She couldn't understand, she is too phony. Definitely not good enough for you, Holden. But I guess he should be surprised by her reaction; people are just incapable of interacting with Holden without being attracted to him. I mean, that former teacher who let Holden stay with him for a night was CLEARLY making a sexual advance. That head-patting definitely wasn't some gesture of concern or pity for a delusional youth who lost his way...

Angry Cooper Rants: Limited Internet Access

Before we even get started, yes, I am blatantly ripping off Secondini's "grinds my gears" segment. However, you/we are all aware that when it comes to ranting and just being angry for no reason, I pretty much run this ship. Additionally, the original airing date for that family guy was 5/2006, and everyone's aware that I was angry far before that. BROTHER HOEYYYYYYYYY

Fuck that

Now that I've alienated everyone who didn't take AP Euro History at MC we can start.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Snow

Fuck snow. Fucking frozen, white, devil powder is what it is. Why do I hate snow so much? Well, its the classic story of arch enemies that were best friends when they were younger, then one started acting shady and veering towards the dark side. See, as a youth, I loved this shit. The way it looked, the way it smelled, the prospect of getting school canceled, hell I didn't even mind shoveling. Snow ball fights were epic, sledding was the tits, and tackle football games brought up memories of the games olden days....days of course when I wasn't even alive but still had appreciation for.

Need Less: Decaf Coffee,

What are your intentions decaf? The primary purpose of coffee is to help you wake up and get going. And you don't do that? Is the taste of coffee so overwhelmingly unbelievable that even if it doesn't wake you up you just need to drink it?

I don't get it. It's like you're trying to get people to drink you by being something you're not. Maybe people don't want the caffeine, but want to look cool in front of their co-workers. That's just thinking like a teenage chick who's trying to hard: "You mean that if I, like, fake like I'm drinking, people might, like, actually think I'm cool, and I'll get all, like popular?" Do adults suffer from peer pressure too? It just doesn't make sense to me.

And what's even worse? My not so good friend non-alcoholic beer.

Are politicians required to be stupid?

 I know the politics in American can seem downright absurd at certain points, with some of the ridiculous laws and horribly ineffective plans they think up, but I'm here with good news everyone.

Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela claims capitalism ended life on mars, dried up rivers, and caused planet Earth to have a shortage of water.  While American politics may seem insane, this guy brings it to a whole new level.  Sadly none of these crazy leaders seem to ever end up winning a Darwin award, but one could dream. Winner.

Need More: Spike Lee and Ray Allen's mom

When I saw them sitting next to each other during tonight's Celtics-Knicks game my first thought was, "What an odd couple. Could two other NBA fans sit next to each other and make me laugh my ass off?" Some crazy shit happens at Laker's games, but the more you think about this, the more it makes sense - take probably one of the more noticeable Celtic's fans (who attends every one of her son's games) and combine that with the most noticeable Knick's fan.

Not to mention the obnoxious way they cheer on their teams. Ray's mom is always standing up and yelling. Or clapping with some crazy fake-ass nails wearing her blinged out C's jersey. And we all know about Spike Lee. As Jay-Z said, "Sitting courtside, Knicks and Nets give me high fives, I be Spiked out I can trip a referee..."

What Really Grinds My Gears: St. John's Prep

Its been 5 years since I graduated high school.....fuck I'm old. I don't even remember half of it at this point. But, I still fucking hate "The Prep". Fuck those guys. Fucking frat house presidents in training. You got 16 year old kids just rolling around in Mercedes and Volvos, wearing 300$ outfits (at a minimum), and just reeking of douche. The worst thing about it is that they know they're d-bags...and they love it. Fucking just relish in the fact that no matter how bad they fuck up that they're gonna get bailed out.

Honorary Gentlemen

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are by my standards honorary gentlemen. These guys are best friends, and get to hang out while being funny and making millions of dollars making movies. They are living the dream. Essentially doing what we wish we could do.

high five: most popular musical acts of the animal kingdom

A few days ago, fellow blog contributor Zombie Jesus and I watched a solid 3 hours of Planet Earth. It is hands down the most mesmerizing show on TV, and I can only image it is better in HD. Susan Sarandon's voice is even better for narration than Morgan Freeman's. There, I said it. Someone had to...

But the best part of the show is the ridiculous animals they film. My favorite had to be the "Pine Martens" (I think that was their name. Don't quote me on it though). They are basically thieving, immoral squirrels. But all these animals got me thinking, what if they had the ability to make music? What animals would be burning up the Billboard charts? One thing is for sure, there would definitely be an auto-tuned song about Pine Martens climbing in yo' nests, snatchin' yo' creatures up. So ya'll need to hide yo' eggs, hide yo' chicks, and read these high fives, cuz I'm rankin' everybody out there.

#5 - Li'l Deer

Li'l Muntjac serving time on weapons
charges. Everyone wants a piece of the
famous guy...

So one animal I saw was the world's smallest species of deer, and it stands a whopping 18 inches tall and an weighs in at approximately 20 pounds. I have a hard enough time understanding how regular deer have avoided extinction all these years, since all they do is eat grass and get preyed on by carnivores. So how the hell is this tiny deer, called a miniature muntjac, not go extinct instantly? It must have some serious respect in the animal kingdom and the smarts to somehow live alongside predators that would eat it like a White Castle burger.


So let's look at what we know about this crazy little animal. It's really small, it's a survivor, it probably always feels disrespected, and it's smarter than you would expect. This deer is straight gangsta. I'm gonna say this is the closest fauna get to Li'l Wayne, who is only 5'6", shot and nearly killed himself at the age of 13, raps about his peers hating on him, and actually was an honors student in school. So it's settled, animals must be lining up to collaborate with Li'l Muntjac.

CooperMusic: Bill Withers

SO again, I don't really know who this guy is. But this song was in the commercial for the Dante's Inferno video game that came out a while ago. It just gets horribly stuck in my head, because you know, there ain't no sunshine when she's gone.



Also this is from 1971. Sick.

Dante's Inferno SuperBowl commercial after the jump.

Weekly Salute

This weeks salute goes out to a guy who every day walks a very fine line that makes us all question what we think we know. He does things the average man, with good reason, would be too scared to do. He pushes the boundaries of social norms and sets new standards for some of the most commonly known unwritten rules. I can think of no one more deserving than...

LOJOG Poll

Don't worry this isn't a post giving all of you what my picks are for the NCAA Tourney.... and yes if you must know my bracket is already fucked...thanks a lot Louisville. Anywho I thought it would be fun to create a poll ranking all of the bloggers on this site. For the sake of it just turning into everyone saying my posts suck, I'm making myself ineligible for committing NCAA violations. So lets see how this goes over, who takes it personal, and who comes out on top.

Need More: Tyler Seguin

This kid needs to play more. I understand he's just learning the system and isn't very responsible defensively, but have you seen some of his goals? The Bruins could definitely use his offensive presence.

I understand they're a defense first team and I have absolutely no problem with that. All some people want to see is goals, but that can't happen realistically. I don't mind the system Julien uses as much as other people. The games might not be as exciting as watching a fast moving offensive team like Tampa Bay (they let in 2.93 goals a game - not much defensive responsibility and shaky goaltending) or Detroit, but when you're fifth in the NHL in scoring and third in goals against, you're doing something right (even though Thomas and Rask bail the defense out so often).

CooperMusic: It's Friday, Friday

Cooper says: I do not approve of this

Gotta get down on Friday

CooperMusic: Some dude

No really, never heard of this guy before, but this is some pretty sweet guitar/FX pedal work.

Props to this guy.




Obligatory:

Who would win?

Santa Claus VS Phil Margera VS Bob Vila

So due to that fact that hes been doing some electrical work on my house, I've decided to theme this who would win after Rob's dad. Over the years one of the great mysteries of our time has been trying to figure out which one of these three guys he looks the most like. All of which are special and bring joy in their own way.

high five: you don't have to be irish to be drunk right now

If you are looking at this post, I assume you are sober enough to work your computer and can focus on reading something. So to that I say, shame on you. It is St. Patrick's day, the most socially-acceptable day to mimic the life choices on a chronic alcoholic! Isn't that what we all strive for in life?

So if you are having trouble getting started on your drunken festivities, allow me to help. These are my five favorite types of alcohol, listed in descending order of how much you will remember tomorrow morning. And I refuse to acknowledge wine because it sucks. This is a blog for gentlemen, and no gentleman would be caught on St. Patty's day with a box of franzia.


#5 - Miller High Life

Pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it is the champagne of beers. It's definitely the most versatile beer because you can use it for games, you can drink it while watching sports, and if you spill a whole bottle, you don't feel bad about it. And while it only conatins about 5% alcohol by volume, you can buy them in 30s and drink 'em all night.

Before you know it, it's morning and you just chanted "U-S-A, U-S-A" at a Puerto Rican student throughout the entire movie Miracle and went sledding on a plastic folding table. And you should probably get that huge bump on your head looked at, you really might have a concussion. These seem like really specific results of a morning after High Life, huh? Yeah, college is great.

Need More: James Earl Jones

I'm going to be honest and say that when I was younger this dude straight up scared the shit out of me. His voice made him seem like he was 7 feet tall and weighed over 300 pounds.

But we could definitely use way, way more of him. The only people who probably even have a voice close to as good as his are Ted Williams (no, not "Teddy Ballgame," but the homeless Ted Williams who Dr. Phil made a mockery of) and Morgan Freeman (but he's doing the nasty with his step-granddaughter - not cool man. not cool). And neither of them are Darth Vader.

When he was 5 years old, Jones developed a stutter after a rough childhood. Things got so bad he refused to talk. For 8 years. That would be like Marisa Miller keeping all her clothes on because someone called her fat. As soon as I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to hear James Earl Jones say, "Welcome Rob." Then I can die in peace.

30 Second Bruins Recap

Bruins V. Blue Jackets

First off let me say that Marie had NO IDEA who this team was. Now I know we can't expect everyone to know who they are, but I gotta be honest, other than Kevin Rick Nash and their goalie I knew nobody on this team.

NWO! NWO!

People who are doing it right: Chad Ochocinco

Let me go on the record as saying that Chad Ochocinco is one of my top 5 favorite non-hometown athletes.

And apparently he is trying out for an MLS team.

THIS is what American Soccer needs. Not Becks, not Landon Donovan, it needs to OCHO.

Just talking massive smack and being feet taller than everyone on the field.

I mean, basically everyone only watched the goals in soccer... can you IMAGINE what he would do if he scored?

Now picture this on a soccer pitch. I mean, I might even call it football if he played.

First we have Zibby becoming a professional boxer and now the OCHO in soccer?

LOCKOUT! LOCKOUT!

EDIT: Some college dude just ran a sub 4 minute mile in the NCAA nationals. Madness.

Need Less: Charlie Sheen

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. And I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannnnooonball!"

Just kidding. But seriously. My urgent announcement? I've decided on my regular blog column.

Has everyone calmed down already? Ok.

Every couple days I will tell you what the Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave - and sometimes the World in general - needs more or needs less of.

Let's cut to the chase. We could all use less Charlie Sheen. Originally I thought everyone was on this bandwagon with me, but apparently we lost a lot of good men out there. (And no - we weren't "playing for the Yankees.") Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" Tour has added even more dates (and one in Boston) because the first shows sold out in ticketmaster record time.

What Really Grinds My Gears: The Obama Brackett

I don't even know where to get started on this one. It literally sums up whats wrong with America. With all of the problems going on in this country, this guy has time to sit on his ass and film a braketology session with ESPN. I get it, hes the hip, cool, new-era president who watches college hoops. But why do I give a flying fuck about how this guy does in his White House Pool??? Like Does he wake up and think to himself hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm solve financial crisisssss orrrrr fill out bracket?? Yeaaa bracket time! That crisis isn't going anywhere!

Things that Mark Anzalone would say, if you don't know Mark, he is similar to Stalin.

CooperMusic: Flux Pavillion

I'm pirating cooper's thread title, I know we are all about originality in this blog but I'm just lazy. I haven't actually listened to any of the CooperMusic postings so this might not be Cooper music at all...but I don't really care one way or the other.

Buuuttttt this is Flux Pavilion's new(ish?) song

Edit: I'm Maaaaaaaaark. Also I can deal with this
-Cooper

low five: why are these things so absurdly expensive?!

Hey everyone, it's been a while! First off, just want to say happy birthday to fellow gentleman rmed. You probably don't know much about him, since he does not appear on the introductions page.

I haven't had time to write any new and entertaining posts because I was the victim of a random act of vandalism. That, combined with my steadily decreasing bank account, have led me to the realization that you don't need money to be happy. But you do need it to pay for all the over-priced shit in life. I don't see many homeless people who are happy, but that's because I don't live in any of these places. So here are five things that shouldn't make you poor, but probably will.


#5 Mass Pike tolls

Look closely, she is actually a ticket-
giver. Why isn't her job automated yet!?

It's not that the tolls are too high, but that there are even tolls at all. Why does it costs $1 to drive from Worcester to Cambridge on the Mass Pike, when I could take a slightly longer route (with less traffic) for free? Or, even better, I could reduce my carbon footprint and avoid the costs of parking by using the commuter rail!

It's not like that toll money is being used to keep the highway in pristine condition. It is in no better shape than 95 or 93, and those don't have tolls. No, that money is being used to PAY THE TOLL COLLECTORS. And provide them with dry-cleaning! And dental plans! It's just a needless loop that benefits no one. If there were no tolls, there would be no toll collectors. Problem solved. Plus, no one wants to be a toll colector. They are probably the most miserable-looking people on Earth. I would love that job, though. Just pop in some earbuds and enjoy the scenery. Maybe have some fun by putting on a ski mask and aiming a water gun through the window, demanding $0.55 to get off at route 84.

Tech Tuesday: Translator

DAM YOU TUESDAY! Why are you always so fast to approach? Be more like Friday will ya?

Anyways, tech Tuesday is here, and we will take some time out of our busy lives to complain about technology that we don’t have yet, and should

This weeks feature: automatic translators!

What I'm making on Thursday

Car Bomb Cupcakes


I mean, it involves Jaymo, Guiness, and Baileys (sp?)
....and it's mothereffing CUPCAKES.

Seriously, is there anything more perfect for me to make.

Better question, what ARE we doing so I can make these?

Edit: Seriously thinking about rolling onto college campuses with these. Heyyo Campo, I just made some cupcakes. Come at me bro.

He must really want a job at Old Spice

A 13 year old boy from Ohio really gets it. And apparently wants a job at Old Spice.

That's because he makes manly scented candles called Mancans. If you've ever wanted your home to smell like sawdust, bacon, a leather baseball mitt, or freshly cut grass look no further. No word on when "lumberjack" or "raw meat" will be released, but I'm guessing they're in his spring collection. Smelling like this automatically puts hair on your chest.

Things that Mark Anzalone would say. If you don't know Mark, he is similar to Hitler.

CooperMusic / Nerdity! : Pi Day

Pretty sure I'd have to turn in my nerd card if I didn't post something about this today.

3/14 is Pi Day. Yeah π for everyone.

Watch the video below because it's awesome. (0:45 if you're impatient)




Now if you don't mind I'm going to watch the Blackhawks and Sharks play real hockey.... and eat apple pie.

PS Yes I have a nerd card.

They're NOT going streaking anymore!

So Tufts has this tradition called the Naked Quad Run (it's so popular it even has an acronym - NQR) where basically students get naked run around the Quad (pretty self explanatory) to celebrate the end of fall semester classes.

And they've decided to put an end to it. The same year Mattera gets accepted.

What Really Grinds My Gears: People Who Do 65 in the Left Lane

Now, I do not consider myself to be someone with a lead foot. Sure I go over the speed limit, but I try to keep myself somewhere around 70-75. I learned my lesson a few years ago getting bagged with a speeding ticket up in NH. Fucking speed traps.... Anyways, I can not stand it when someone thinks its socially acceptable to go 65 in the left lane. Like, its a fucking known fact that the left lane is used for speeding. Cops know, drivers know it, so why don't you??? Its whole design was to enable faster drivers to pass fucks like you that can't get out of their own way.