I know I haven't posted a ton lately...

....so here's a picture of me with Elvii

I'm the dude, playin the dude, disguised as another dude!

The same guy just happens to be in the Bud Light App and Hornitos Tequila Brotherly Love commercials. Yup, I noticed this at 2 in the morning last night. Watch both commercials below if you want.

That just happened

Could this be any more epic?

I'm going to pay Jack Edwards to give a locker room speech before my next game.

Lonely Island- Pirates of the Carribean

Morning News: Well at least this means we get time travel?

Angry Cooper Rants: Why are concerts so damn expensive?

Although it might not appear it at this time, it is the end of May. You know what this means...

Paging Jay Belsito
...well, yes, that.

...and well yes, this too. (horray)
And because my filter is on today while I'm at work, yes, ladies outfits become smaller.

But I'm past the point here.
I'm going to assume at this point that you've read the title. So yeah.
Jump jump jump for the rest of the post

In honor of the new "Pirates" movie, a rant about piracy

So Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is released this week. I've also been downloading a lot of music in my spare time since the PlayStation network has gone down, so now seems like an appropriate time to discuss piracy. Specifically the music and movie variety.

Without getting into too much of the whole right vs. wrong morality angle of the whole thing, I'm pretty much going to rant about how awful the music industry has handled this situation.

So downloading music illegally has been pretty mainstream since Napster. And before that people just used cassettes to record their favorite songs off of the radio. Not wanting to pay for music is nothing new, but technology has reached a point where it's never been easier to "steal" stuff. I mean, EVERYONE knows what an mp3 is.

Whenever a new development affects a particular industry, it's forced to adapt. That is, unless it's the music/movie industry when it comes to the whole piracy issue. Instead of saying, "People aren't going to stop, maybe we should find other ways to make profits. At least they're still interested in listening to our songs," they've basically said, "This is so fucking illegal. How can people get away with this? How about we sue the pants off of a few people who we'll randomly pick out of a hat to make an example of?"

That seems like a great strategy.

low five: osama bin laden, the ultimate hypocrite

Hey, did you guys hear the news? Some guy named Osama Bin Laden is dead! Yeah, I'm a little late on this blog post, but I have a legit excuse - I've been in Wisconsin all week for work.  And I would have done a post about this fine state, but there is so little activity here that I couldn't find 5 things, good or bad, to list about America's dairy state.

So instead I chose to finish this post about how hypocritical Bin Laden really is. If anyone in the Taliban could objectively look at this man, they would see how stupid it is to follow him. This guy is just some cave-hiding, attention-seeking bitch who's claim to fame is avoiding US secret ops for 10 years. Wow, impressive, it must be hard to avoid being found when you hide in remote deserts of the Middle East doing nothing...


#5 - declared a holy war, smoked marijuana against Muslim beliefs

How do you deal with munchies in a Palestinian cave?
I can't imagine goat cheese gets the job done...

So apparently Muslims must keep their bodies clean and pure. Stuff like alcohol is considered an intoxicant and is thus banned. Well, marijuana isn't explicitly considered "Haraam" (forbidden), but it is widely considered so by Islam scholars. So obviously, one would think that anyone declaring a HOLY war would be, oh I don't know, in good religious standing and refrain from getting high?

Apparently, while Bin Laden's terrorists were out seeking to destroy Western culture, their leader was chilling at home toking. Yup, the guy delivering orders in this so-called Jihad against the "heathen" Westerners. So yeah, you better do all you can to protect that Muslim holy land, but in the mean time, feel free to break all those religious rules. No big deal... President of Israel is probably eating a ham sandwich right now while he talks military strategy with American forces in Jerusalem, right? Wrong.

History Doesn't Act It's Age

Oh ya, remember when I posted this - Need More: Tyler Seguin. Haha what's that? You were right Rob? And pretty much everything you said still makes sense now? Oh, ok thanks guys.

Need Less: People living off the system

Ok so I've been working my big boy job for just over a year now (by 2 days!). And the one thing I've consistently noticed is how much my paychecks are lowered by "The Man" taking out taxes. Don't get me wrong, my monster tax return helped with this, but no one wants to see their money taken from them. Especially if it goes to people like Leroy Fick.

So since this 56 year old dude won the lottery, people are either going to be extremely happy or jealous, but I'm absolutely enraged. That's because despite the $2 million he won last year, he's still eligible for foodstamps! That's right! Myself, along with every other tax paying American, are indirectly paying for this man's groceries. Apparently there's some loophole that his winnings don't count as income (despite the fact that winners have to pay income taxes on their earnings!).

To make matters worse, there's this dude:

Yup, that's a real, adult man right there. And he's on welfare. Along with his "caretaker." Ignoring the fact that his fetish is right or wrong (it's totally fucked up by the way), it's absolutely absurd that he gets government assistance. For what reason? He builds furniture, so he's capable of being employed. And he even dresses normal in public, so he can function in society.

Enter Senator Tom Coburn who is my new hero (despite the fact that he's a Republican). He wants to take away this man's Social Security check. Now that this situation is finally getting some coverage, hopefully the right thing will happen.

Oh and what was this baby's reaction? “You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care,” the California man said. “I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.”

Hmmmmm. Ok! I didn't realize I signed up to basically pay "child" support for a perfectly capable adult male. Maybe he actually wants to kill himself from constantly watching Barney on PBS. Or because Glen Davis totally stole his nickname.

...and that grinds the shit outta my gears!

What a Novel Idea

The Real Tech Tuesday: Jetpacks

Where's My Jetpack? is a 2007 book that asks the obvious question "Where's my jetpack?" Boba Fett has one, and so does the Rocketeer—so why not the rest of us? If you're Yves Rossy, though the answer is "I gotcher jetpack right here."

Rossy, a former fighter pilot in the Swiss Air Force who goes by the name "Jetman," recently flew across the Grand Canyon, making him the envy of everyone who has wanted to fly without an airplane.

Like A Boss

Missing Jack Edwards?

Obviously the Bruins are still in the playoffs, but since the games are on Versus, there's no Jack. Well, here's some throwbacks to fulfill your appetite.

Morning News:

yeah, I'm going to lose my mind by friday if I don't do anything.

Morning News: Are we sure Nicki Minaj isn't dating Yankee?

hurr durr
Not content with making millions of dollars and being played on the radio every five minutes, Lady Gaga's evil rapping doppleganger wants to be played more in the cluuuuuuuub. Apparently unaware that local radio stations have nothing else to play BUT her songs (because they're being paid to), she's hoping that by cutting down on the amount of tracks that she colaborates on and "making the feaures really, really count" she can persuade DJ's to play her in the dance cluuuuuub. This, of course, has nothing to do AT ALL with her recent "dance collab" with David Guetta, something she has called "dope" and "her two favorite songs" (at least until her next song comes out).

"You know, my voice needs to be in the club and people need to be getting tipsy, and wasted and crazy and all those other things to a Nicki Minaj song in the club right now! I'm actually excited about both."

So what we're saying here is that you need to be drunk to listen to her music. At least SOMEBODY is being honest about how much Top 40 music sucks.

Tech Tuesday Wednesday

Here's what you need to know. Polk county (in florida) has institued the usage of the XERP round in their shotguns. What does XERP stand for?
no, not that

eXtended Range Electronic Projectile. In laymans terms, a fired projectile (with fins to stabilize the flight no less) with piercing barbs attached to a taser like battery. To summarize,
combined with
Maybe their R&D depatrment is a six year old with a bag of sugar and cocaine.


...remind me to never mess around in Florida.

Monday Morning Mindfuck.

(hope this works, I'm at work)

Happy Mothers Day

Obama's Real Speech

Half-Assed AL East Weekly Recap

So basically I'm only posting this to let people know I still exist. Finals blow. I've been busy as all hell. And to be quite honest I haven't had much of a chance to keep a close eye on baseball with the playoffs going on. So here it is...ready...don't blink cuz this shit is going to be faster than a kid from Evan's blog the first time he has sex.

Did you grow up in the 90's?

Need More: Craigslist Missed Connections!

Back by popular demand because I was really bored and thought some of these were pretty funny.

It never ceases to amaze me that some people think they'll be able to find love this way. And why do they think they have the right to act so creepy because someone who they might remember may have smiled at them that one time at the place where they both happened to be?

Ok the first entry: "Lowell District Court blond with amazing legs"

"You were amazing! tell me what town your firm is from so I know its you. We had a nice chat."

Instead of worrying about what town her firm was from, he should have asked, "How long am I getting locked up for so I can decide if you should wait for me?" Seriously how creepy is this guy? And I don't really think saying, "Your honor, this man acted with gross disregard for the law" qualifies as a "chat." But maybe that's just me. What is the "blond girl with amazing legs" supposed to think know? Obviously she realizes that this guy will be fantasizing about her for whatever time period he happens to be in prison. She basically served as his "last meal" for a very long time. Gross.

There's a lot more to come after the jump. (Including a grown man in a Darth Vader costume, and an angry chick in CVS)

low five: why are all engineering school nerds single?

Before I even start, I have to clearly state that this post is not directed toward Cooper. He will be convinced that it is, but what I am about to describe actually is a level of nerdity above anything Cooper can claim to possess. Cooper, you have people that you consistently hang out with in person and go to bars and concerts; the people who inspired this low five do none of those things.

By now my loyal readers probably know that I am a recent graduate of an engineering school; all my classmates were either math, science, or engineering majors. Last time I heard, we actually had one English major, but that degree has to be for show because who would seriously choose a school ending in "Polytechnic Institute" to study English? Anyway, the student population is divided into three main categories; normal guys, normal girls, and those I like to call "dorm-dwellers". Dorm-dwellers are the kids who choose to live on campus beyond freshman year because of the superior internet speed, their fear of landlords and utility companies, or lack of real-world skills like cooking and doing laundry.

#5 - Physique

South Park: It's funny because it's true...

My school has a gym; in very rare cases, a student outside of the normal girl and guy population may be spotted here. They can be identified by their complete lack of appropriate gym clothes, wearing blue jeans and shower sandals. Apparently, during a late-night gaming session the night before, an exercise equipment infomercial inspired this person to get in shape. But in real life, you can't just spend one full day leveling-up your body to get added strength and attractiveness bonuses.

For that reason, engineering-school nerds usually come in one color (pale, pale white - screen glow does not provide a good tan) and two shapes: too big and too small. The larger kids enjoy snacking while gaming or internet-surfing, and their snacks usually lack any nutritional value. And mouse-clicking burns very few calories. The smaller kids are usually mistaken for freakishly tall middle-schoolers. They are blessed with rapid metabolisms, but find eating an inconvenient necessity in their quest for Starcraft domination. The only thing they've even considered lifting in an effort for self-improvement has been a backpack full of books. Neither physique is likely to attract much female attention...

People who are doing it RIGHT: Double SHOT

Good morning readers, since it would appear that nobody is getting ANY work done today and my morning radio stream is broken, you get a double feature of people who are doing things with alcohol to help out the world. And since i'm being incredibly lazy, here's a teaser of the headlines so we get more pageviews....since ours almost halved last month and I'm shameless.
I actually considered the name doubleshot for my cover band

---From the Dept. of Weird: Even Colder Coors
---Scotland toasts new whisky-powered bioenergy plant

high CINCO: shout-out to latin america

Remember back in middle school when you had to make the pivotal decision to learn either Spanish or French? Well, I don't see anyone using any French holidays as an excuse to get drunk and smash piñatas. And don't even try to make an argument for Bastille Day; it's too close to the 4th of July, and French food is the worst.

So, today is Cinco de Mayo, and I couldn't resist adding a little latin flavor to the blog. I know this is primarily a Mexican thing, but I'm gonna go ahead and extend the theme to include Central and South America, because frankly I am finding it tough to think of five great things to come out of Mexico. So if you are planning on calling me out on the accuracy of my Cinco de Mayo observance, you should probably just stop reading now; I already have your pageview statistic, I don't care if you read past this sentence (although you should because it'll be worth it).

#5 - burritos

Beautiful, just beautiful. They don't call it the
Homewrecker for nothing...

The burrito is easily the best of the tortilla-meat-cheese combinations that make up 90% of Mexican food. It's all in the packaging; the foil and tortilla wrap is like a cocoon of deliciousness, filled with chicken, cheese, rice, and various vegetables. Tacos fall apart as soon as you try to eat them, especially the hard shelled variety. How do you eat a taco in public without looking like a Survivor contestant devouring something besides rice for the first time in 40 days? Plus, basically all of the food pyramid is covered by burrito ingredients, so it can't be that bad for you, right? RIGHT?

Now, when I want a burrito, I head for either Moe's or Chipotle; they are basically even in my book, though they have pretty different styles. Chipotle will scoop a reasonable amount of whatever you want in your burrito, and then add just a little bit more so that it won't fold right and disintegrate when you are close to finishing. Moe's has mastered the art of size, and they shout "Welcome to MOOOOOE'S" at you when you walk in. But the locations are annoyingly remote; unless I'm in Worcester, it's really inconvenient to find any nearby Moe's.

Morning News / 30 Second Bruins

Only slightly Claude. Don't fark this up.

Angry Cooper Rants: Now that we've solved the terrorist problem....

...can we please have SETI back?

For those of you who aren't aware (read: everyone). SETI means the "Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence." Ostensibly it's a huge bunch of nerds with giant satellite dishes trying to lesten for communiques, transmisions, anything out of the ordinary from space.

Obviously there's cable

Here's the deal. They only need five million dollars. Over TWO years. For those of you playing at home, that's almost equal to the cost of ONE predator missile. ONE. Between 2007-8 we fired 244. Just in the middle east. (damn right I did 15 seconds worth of research)

3 Second Bruins Recap

...and the preview for tonight..

TUESDAY MORNING EDIT

An artist's depiction of how last night went...

Does this mean it's safe to masturbate on airplanes now?

America- Sorry for the serious America!!! But we just killed BIN!- US NAVY SEAL

They are so bad ass I don't even need to type anything about them. It's understood! America Fuck Yeah!