low five: fishing, it's the worst thing ever

Guess who took a sick day from work because he wasn't feeling great, and now has no excuse not to post this blog today...

I have literally no idea why I chose this topic, other than I could think of 3 weird/stupid/gross ways people catch fish. But the more I think about it, the more stupid fishing seems. Unless it's used as an excuse to drink on a boat, I'm not interested in sitting around waiting for some dumb animal to get itself stuck on my line and then flop around on the boat until I feel bad and throw it back. Okay, enough intro, let's just do this thing!

#5 - fly-fishing

Looks like he is trying to bullwhip a fish, Indiana Jones style

Fly fishing could be the least logical style of fishing ever conceived. Would you go hunting by just firing one shot into the woods and hoping a deer runs into the bullet? Because in terms of effectiveness, that's basically what you're doing when you go fly-fishing. Like, the fish has a split second to get itself caught by falling for the old "fly on the water" trick. Meanwhile, I couldn't even use a normal fishing rod to catch a piranha using man flesh for bait. And the whole casting system, that's just asking for trouble. Just think about it, swinging sharp metal hooks on the end of long strings is a recipe for eye injury.

And as if potentially blinding yourself and others in order to catch a fish in the most asinine manner possible wasn't enough, you have to do it all in ridiculous rubber boots and overalls because you're standing in a river. If you're gonna actually walk into the fish's house and kill it, at least do it like a boss and use your bare hands. I think it's universally acknowledged that casually grabbing a passing fish is the manliest thing anyone could do. Getting all dressed up to stand in knee-deep water is at the opposite end of the manly spectrum.

high five: countries better equipped to host the World Cup than Qatar

There were a lot of big sports news stories this past summer: the NFL locked out; the NFL locked back in; everyone fell in love with Mike Vick again; the NBA locked out and no one cared; the Bruins won the Stanley Cup (yep hockey playoffs in late June, love it); the Red Sox choked harder than a baby at the Lego Store. But in America, one big story garnered few headlines. Oh, did you not hear? FIFA is massively corrupt, so instead of playing the World Cup in a country that, you know, excels in the sport AND in accommodating human life, the voting panel decided to roll the dice and try something retarded. I mean, different. No wait, I meant retarded, my mistake.

The World Cup is going to be held in the desert. So, I hope everyone enjoys the next couple World Cups, because in 2022, it'll be the end of international soccer as we know it. All the players will die of heat exhaustion. The games will be endured in 112 degree heat and split into 3 periods in some misguided attempt to play an outdoor sport in a desert nation. Hell, some countries might not even show up, if the conflicts in the Middle East get worse. Maybe then, my beloved Faroe Islands can finally earn a spot in the finals.

#5 - South Africa, home of the Vuvuzela

We have no one to blame but ourselves

They already proved they could do it - the 2010 World Cup went pretty smoothly. Any time the biggest problem at the host country is the amount of noise the crowds make, I'd call it a success. Sure, the noise was really annoying, but that's just how the Africans roll, and we gotta respect their culture, right? I mean, the World Cup had never even been in Africa before, let them have some fun and blow on their horns. They have enough problems without everyone else in the world telling them how annoying they are. Plus, at least they have normal weather for soccer, relative to other parts of Africa.

And the vuvuzelas are probably our fault anyway. Africa is some kind of parallel universe of first world nations, like a haven for items that never should have existed. People are walking around proudly in their 19-0 Patriots shirts commemorating a Super Bowl they never won. This is our idea of chariy - here, have some shit no American in their right mind would ever use! That'll help with AIDS, hunger, and civil wars ravaging your continent, right? Does it sound like these people built and maintain a factory to make plastic horns? No, the vuvuzela was probably some attempt to unload useless 4th of July crap and feel good about helping in Darfur.

Back From the Dead: High Five Halloween Characters

Okay, here's the part 2 that I promised. Click here for part 1, in case you missed it. But now I'm ranking the best horror movie characters. And I'm defining 'best' as a character that I would genuinely be afraid of encountering in real life if they actually existed; plausibility gets no consideration. So without further ado...

#5 - Megan Fox in 'Jennifer's Body'

I think I could look past the whole
"I'm a demon trying to kill you" thing

Yep, it's an awful movie. There's no denying that fact. But if there actually was some demon-possessed girl that I went to school with or worked with, I'd be hard-pressed to stay away. Like, even if I saw her sprout fangs and dragon wings, I'd probably still ask her out. What can I say, I find goth girls kind of sexy. So even if I knew the risks, I'd probably be powerless to resist. The scariest part of the movie is probably the writing; it made me cringe more than any scene in the Saw franchise. I mean it's obvious the movie is built around Megan Fox being sexy and evil, but don't let the studio interns write the script.

The creepy thing is that demons could exist and actually possess people. Who says they can't? It's kind of like a religious thing, right? And no one has disproved God. Plus,  if a demon wanted to kill a lot of people, why wouldn't it take over a hot girl? People bend over backwards to help attractive girls, and line up to spend time with them (literally, that's what a line at a bar is for...). Basically, if I was a demon who wanted to cause misery to as many people as possible, I'd possess the most attractive girl I could find and just let people come to me. I'm on to you, demons. I got you allll figured out...

Back From the Dead: Low Five Halloween Characters

Halloween, what better day to bring this blog back from the dead? That's right, after a 5 month hiatus, the League is back. The Gentleman have done some discussing, and we hope to bring you better content on a routine basis. Round one was a good learning experience, but we definitely hit a wall, creatively, and couldn't keep the blistering pace we initially set. So we are going to pace ourselves now, and maybe we won't disappear for 5 month stretches.

Now that I've laid out our plan to pace ourselves, I have a SPECIAL TWO-PART HIGH/LOW FIVE. Yep, already breaking our own rules we just made. But it's a holiday, and I couldn't decide between doing best or worst horror movie characters, so I did both. Consider it my treat to you, no costume necessary. Up first, worst characters, meaning I'm completely unworried about encountering them in real life.


#5 - Michael Myers

How long did it take to get upstairs? 15 minutes?

It makes me mad to watch the 'Halloween' movies - how could anyone be killed by Michael Myers? He is literally the slowest thing I've ever seen move. Glaciers could escape from Myers. He should take over for those turtles in the Comcast high speed internet commercials.

And to top it all off, he kills people on Halloween. In his home town. Routinely. The people of Haddonfield are almost too stupid to function. Like, this murderer keeps killing people in your town on Halloween. And he's slow as shit. Why don't you figure out some legitimate plan to handle this situation? And when you think you've killed him, make sure of it; it's called the Double Tap and it worked for Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland. When you assume you've killed Michael Myers, you make an ass of you and leave an opening for yet another sequel in this shitty franchise.

low five: osama bin laden, the ultimate hypocrite

Hey, did you guys hear the news? Some guy named Osama Bin Laden is dead! Yeah, I'm a little late on this blog post, but I have a legit excuse - I've been in Wisconsin all week for work.  And I would have done a post about this fine state, but there is so little activity here that I couldn't find 5 things, good or bad, to list about America's dairy state.

So instead I chose to finish this post about how hypocritical Bin Laden really is. If anyone in the Taliban could objectively look at this man, they would see how stupid it is to follow him. This guy is just some cave-hiding, attention-seeking bitch who's claim to fame is avoiding US secret ops for 10 years. Wow, impressive, it must be hard to avoid being found when you hide in remote deserts of the Middle East doing nothing...


#5 - declared a holy war, smoked marijuana against Muslim beliefs

How do you deal with munchies in a Palestinian cave?
I can't imagine goat cheese gets the job done...

So apparently Muslims must keep their bodies clean and pure. Stuff like alcohol is considered an intoxicant and is thus banned. Well, marijuana isn't explicitly considered "Haraam" (forbidden), but it is widely considered so by Islam scholars. So obviously, one would think that anyone declaring a HOLY war would be, oh I don't know, in good religious standing and refrain from getting high?

Apparently, while Bin Laden's terrorists were out seeking to destroy Western culture, their leader was chilling at home toking. Yup, the guy delivering orders in this so-called Jihad against the "heathen" Westerners. So yeah, you better do all you can to protect that Muslim holy land, but in the mean time, feel free to break all those religious rules. No big deal... President of Israel is probably eating a ham sandwich right now while he talks military strategy with American forces in Jerusalem, right? Wrong.

low five: why are all engineering school nerds single?

Before I even start, I have to clearly state that this post is not directed toward Cooper. He will be convinced that it is, but what I am about to describe actually is a level of nerdity above anything Cooper can claim to possess. Cooper, you have people that you consistently hang out with in person and go to bars and concerts; the people who inspired this low five do none of those things.

By now my loyal readers probably know that I am a recent graduate of an engineering school; all my classmates were either math, science, or engineering majors. Last time I heard, we actually had one English major, but that degree has to be for show because who would seriously choose a school ending in "Polytechnic Institute" to study English? Anyway, the student population is divided into three main categories; normal guys, normal girls, and those I like to call "dorm-dwellers". Dorm-dwellers are the kids who choose to live on campus beyond freshman year because of the superior internet speed, their fear of landlords and utility companies, or lack of real-world skills like cooking and doing laundry.

#5 - Physique

South Park: It's funny because it's true...

My school has a gym; in very rare cases, a student outside of the normal girl and guy population may be spotted here. They can be identified by their complete lack of appropriate gym clothes, wearing blue jeans and shower sandals. Apparently, during a late-night gaming session the night before, an exercise equipment infomercial inspired this person to get in shape. But in real life, you can't just spend one full day leveling-up your body to get added strength and attractiveness bonuses.

For that reason, engineering-school nerds usually come in one color (pale, pale white - screen glow does not provide a good tan) and two shapes: too big and too small. The larger kids enjoy snacking while gaming or internet-surfing, and their snacks usually lack any nutritional value. And mouse-clicking burns very few calories. The smaller kids are usually mistaken for freakishly tall middle-schoolers. They are blessed with rapid metabolisms, but find eating an inconvenient necessity in their quest for Starcraft domination. The only thing they've even considered lifting in an effort for self-improvement has been a backpack full of books. Neither physique is likely to attract much female attention...

high CINCO: shout-out to latin america

Remember back in middle school when you had to make the pivotal decision to learn either Spanish or French? Well, I don't see anyone using any French holidays as an excuse to get drunk and smash piñatas. And don't even try to make an argument for Bastille Day; it's too close to the 4th of July, and French food is the worst.

So, today is Cinco de Mayo, and I couldn't resist adding a little latin flavor to the blog. I know this is primarily a Mexican thing, but I'm gonna go ahead and extend the theme to include Central and South America, because frankly I am finding it tough to think of five great things to come out of Mexico. So if you are planning on calling me out on the accuracy of my Cinco de Mayo observance, you should probably just stop reading now; I already have your pageview statistic, I don't care if you read past this sentence (although you should because it'll be worth it).

#5 - burritos

Beautiful, just beautiful. They don't call it the
Homewrecker for nothing...

The burrito is easily the best of the tortilla-meat-cheese combinations that make up 90% of Mexican food. It's all in the packaging; the foil and tortilla wrap is like a cocoon of deliciousness, filled with chicken, cheese, rice, and various vegetables. Tacos fall apart as soon as you try to eat them, especially the hard shelled variety. How do you eat a taco in public without looking like a Survivor contestant devouring something besides rice for the first time in 40 days? Plus, basically all of the food pyramid is covered by burrito ingredients, so it can't be that bad for you, right? RIGHT?

Now, when I want a burrito, I head for either Moe's or Chipotle; they are basically even in my book, though they have pretty different styles. Chipotle will scoop a reasonable amount of whatever you want in your burrito, and then add just a little bit more so that it won't fold right and disintegrate when you are close to finishing. Moe's has mastered the art of size, and they shout "Welcome to MOOOOOE'S" at you when you walk in. But the locations are annoyingly remote; unless I'm in Worcester, it's really inconvenient to find any nearby Moe's.

low five: what idiot allows this crap on tv?

So thanks to an endless stream of radio commercials, news stories, and facebook updates about "The Voice" and the royal wedding, I've started to wonder who decides what mindless tv show ideas get greenlit and who decides to pull the plug on stuff like "Freaks and Geeks". Based on some of the recent atrocities to get a shot at primetime, I think the manatee writers from that South Park episode got a raise and now are Cable executives.

While I don't watch a ton of tv, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly so I have an idea of what is on and what looks incredibly stupid. I usually wait a couple years, see what shows turn out to be good, and watch entire seasons online in a matter of a couple days. For example, Two weeks ago I had never seen an episode of "Community"; now I'm completely caught up to a show that is airing it's 40-something-ith episode this week. Here are 5 shows I will never take seriously, and why...

#5 American Idol
What a terrible, terrible idea for a television show. The only thing worse than the show itself is how it has maintained it's popularity in this country. I don't understand why people would want to watch amateurs try their hand at real artists' hits. I love music too much to sit through an almost-as-good version of Cee Lo's "Fuck You" (radio version, of course - it's a family show). Until they force the contestants to write their own songs, and possibly even play their own instruments, I'm not interested. Remember people, this is the show that forced Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini into our lives.

And this is the part where you all point out that the early episodes are like candy to people who love to mock other (delusional) people for following their dreams. But I could do that with youtube. Watch the clip below and you'll see what I mean. Like, I would love to see Taylor Swift's reaction to the cold-blooded murder of "Should've Said No". This girl either has the greatest sense of humor of all time or an incredible ability to rationalize all the horrible comments on that video as pure jealousy. The point is, if I want to watch terrible singers, I'll use youtube, and if I want to hear real music I'll use iTunes.

"Nailed it..."

low five: most unfortunate bible characters

Back from the dead! On Easter (okay fine, technically the day after)! Did I really just compare my return to the blog with the resurrection of Jesus? No, just simply pointing out the similarities... But anyway, I've been gone for far too long, busy trying to get my shit together. And you know where my shit is? Still scattered far and wide. So since I apparently can't get anything done even when I shun my creative outlets, I might as well come back!

So, Easter. All you non-Christians need not worry, it's not that cool of a holiday. Once you are too old for egg hunts, it's no different from any other day, except for either the seemingly endless Easter mass or the guilt of not going to the seemingly endless Easter mass. It's probably the holiest day on the Christian calendar, but it's just not as cool without the illusion of a giant rabbit that delivers eggs full of candy. Seriously, where did that one come from? But anyway, since it's such an important day to Christians, let's consider the most undesirable situations in the Bible so we can feel better about ourselves.


#5 Jonah

Hmm, in this version of the story Jonah gets stuck in baleen?

I'm pretty sure that when you get swallowed by a whale, you die. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I can't see how anyone would live. My best guess is suffocation or drowning, but who knows, maybe the whale's stomach acid would digest you alive first. But the worst part is, Jonah got swallowed because he refused to go warn an evil city full of his enemies that God would be destroying them all soon. When he finally obliged (a whale's stomach is a good place to think over God's proposition), he is obviously pissed because everyone in the city repented and was saved. He stops to rest, and God gives him a vine for shade, but then sends a worm to kill the vine. So Jonah's enemies get off easy, but Jonah can't catch a break.

I think it is important to note that, in my "extensive" research into this story, I read that some scholars believe that Jonah's hair, skin, and clothing were bleached to a ghostly white by the whale's digestive juices. Seriously, scholars? So that's all that would happen from spending 72 hours inside a whale? It just seems like if you are reading this story and taking everything literally, you probably aren't thinking a lot about the logistics of being inside a whale's stomach.

high five: apparently Oregon is awesome?

So my job search is coming along slowly, and some of the bigger companies aren't looking to hire new graduates in the Boston area. As such, I have been forced to picture myself living in other states (not Texas though. I refuse to go there). Well, I may have found the most underrated state in the US; it's like a hybrid of Great Britain, New England, and California. That's right, I'm talking about Oregon...

Now I'm not saying that Oregon is for everyone; it's cloudy, it's cities are very liberal, and takes a long time to drive to anywhere else. But as someone who has lived in (and enjoyed) New England for my whole life, constant weather is something I could get used to, even if it is rainy and cool. So here are five reasons that, in my opinion, Oregon is sneaky-awesome...

#5 - History

Nothing's worse on a hot June day than a case of dysentery.
Sorry Nicole, no diarrhea in the car. Start walking...

Everyone knows how to get to Oregon; take the Trail! That's right, I am using the popular computer game as a reason for living in the state of Oregon, and while it may not be a great reason, it seemed like a good way to start the list. Plus, if people decided to risk their own lives and the lives of their families to leave an established society on the East coast and head to this state, it must have been for a damn good reason. The trials and tribulations of these brave settlers (and the obnoxiousness of the natives - seriously, that's the going rate for a river crossing? I'll ford it) have been retold through the wonders of modern technology, and will guide me on my own quest.

It's pretty obvious at this point that if I ever have to move to Oregon, I am absolutely mapping out the trail and following it. My four companions and I will start the trip with 1 alternate set of clothing for all to share, no spare parts for the car, and a shitload of ammo. We'll set off at a grueling pace with meager rations (McDonald's dollar menu), and stop at all the check points in an attempt to trade some of our useless ammunition. And just like in the game, if you get a snake bite, deal with it; this wagon ain't stopping. Learn to be more vigilant in the tall grass. Those who survive the journey will join me in enjoying the next four benefits of our new life in Oregon.

high five: athletic animation

So early April is arguably the best time on the sports calendar, with NBA and NHL playoffs right around the corner, March Madness coming to an end, and baseball season opening day (note: October is also good, sometimes all 4 major sports play at the same time). So I want to do a sports-themed high five because I am in such a good mood; we are going to go through the five cartoon characters that are best-equipped to conquer the sports realm.

I'll start out with an honorable mention; Pikachu. What sport could this tiny electric creature possibly excel in? Jockeying. Pikachus weigh practically nothing, even less than those freakish humans that normally pursue careers in horse-racing. Plus, Pikachus can use some electric attack on the horse to give it an extra jolt of energy. Don't worry, horses are ground-based animals so the electric attacks aren't very effective. But why is this only an honorable mention, you ask? Because jockeys are the 1800's version of NASCAR drivers; they're just along for the horse-powered ride around an oval track. No one ever says, "Wow, did you see how he steered that horse around corner number 2?! It was incredible..."

#5 Sterling Archer

His archery skills are of a higher quality than this picture

I can't resist a good pun, so obviously the cartoon secret agent is going to have to be a competitive archer. It's just too fitting. He is great at darts, so he must have excellent vision and accuracy. He is trained in an array of weaponry, so I have to assume he has experience with a bow. He enjoys a lifestyle of alcohol and women, so archery won't require too much dedication to fitness. There's no way he is giving up expensive prostitutes and hard liquor, so at least he won't be expected to spend much time in the gym. In fact, I think practicing drunk could be beneficial.

So Sterling Archer would make a great archer. But why would he WANT to be an archer? This is a guy who excels at pretty much everything he does, from lacrosse to espionage and everything in between. Well, here's why; throughout the first two seasons of Archer, he consistently references the awesomeness of Burt Reynolds. What does Burt use to kill the toothless, deranged "squeal like a pig" backwater hicks in Deliverance? That's right, a bow. Would Sterling ever pass at the chance to follow in the glorious footsteps of one Burt Reynolds? I think not. Pencil him in for Olympic gold in 2012.

high five: Roald Dahl characters for president

Have you every thought about the mindset of a children's author? It must be really hard to write a story that a kid can understand, because kids are dumb and have no attention span. So obviously, whatever extra detail the author gives to his characters will probably go unnoticed until the loyal child audience grows up. It's like in cartoons, when you are old enough you start noticing the weird and funny stuff that went right over your head as a kid. Go watch Rocko's Modern Life now and you will understand what I'm talking about...

So now that I'm 23, I can look back at the most prominent characters of my favorite childhood author, Roald Dahl, and see what kind of people (or animals) they really are. Turns out, they are pretty well-suited to run against Donald Trump for the 2012 presidency. Now I'll step in as campaign manager and make a case for each...


#5 - James (and his giant peach)

James and his Chief of Staff review military strategy

Even as a child, James demonstrates incredible diplomatic and leadership skills. He manages to get a bunch of insects to not only refrain from eating each other, but from eating their flying piece of fruit. I mean, if a spider is starving to death, it will eat a ladybug and a cricket. But James just would not allow that. He got these bugs to put their natural survival instincts aside for the betterment of the group.

So just image James on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East. All he would need is an comically-oversized fruit to hold a meeting between Palestinians, Israelis, Kurds, Sunnis, and Shi'ites, and then just fly that vessel into the middle of nowhere. A variety of wacky obstacles will force these enemies to work together and learn from each other. And before you know it, a mutual respect will have formed between all groups and peace will spread throughout the region, bringing our gas prices back to Earth.

high five: awesome things i want but have no need for

So everyone has probably heard the expression "money can't buy happiness". That depends on how much money you have; if you so poor that you can't pay your electric bill, then you can't experience the glory that is The Internet! You have to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like reading newspapers and magazines during the day. But if you have a few million extra dolla-dolla bills to throw around, you can find all kinds of happiness in the following items.

NOTE: this post will be significantly more interesting if you take 15 seconds to click the linked item name and take a quick look at what I'm talking about. You have been warned. If you don't click the links and don't like this post, you have no one to blame but yourself...

#5 - Caterham Superlight

This guy stole my goggle idea

Possibly the coolest thing on 4 wheels, the Caterham 7 is like a high-powered go-kart. That long nose is just one big engine, and you don't even need a trunk, roof, or even a full windshield. Almost all the weight of the car comes from its mechanical parts, meaning it has a power-to-weight ratio the surpasses a Lamborghini. Hence the hefty price (1 British pound = $1.59).

So, obviously I would get one of these little cars in lime green and speed around town wearing my old-school leather racing goggles and a cabbie hat. Like, straight out of the 1920's. Picture some rich douche bag stopped at a light in his entirely unoriginal Corvette. Then I roll up with a flapper girl in the passenger seat and start revving my little Caterham, the red light glinting off my racing goggles. This guy must be thinking, "Seriously? I'll show this bitch what American muscle is all about". The light turns green, and I'm Gone with the Wind (see what I did there?). Muah-ha-ha...

Weird Weekend Discovery: New Haven is for Fascists?

I'm going to try out this new segment called Weird Weekend Discovery. It probably won't be a weekly thing, since I rarely do anything interesting on the weekend. But I found some compelling evidence this weekend that suggests the city of New Haven, Connecticut is run by fascists.


If you are new to this blog, it's probably because you are a government agent and this site has now been flagged for suspicion of terrorism. But hopefully you will see that our country has a very serious threat that has flown under the radar for some time now. Let me (very objectively) show you why we should build a wall around New Haven and cut off their supplies.

low five: historically bad parenting

Blogging back-to-back days? Who do I think I am, Cooper? Anyway, my mom runs a daycare out of our house. It is probably in the top 5 most annoying things in my life, since whenever I am home I am awoken to the sounds of screaming babies and tiny stomping feet. But once in a while, I venture upstairs to the baby corral and see what all the fuss is about.

Yesterday was one of those days, and out of sheer pity I decided to help my mom out and play with the kids. For some reason, there is this weird age gap where kids like me. It must be because they don't yet understand sarcasm so they take everything I say as a positive. For instance, "Wow, great job, you almost kicked that ball," actually sounds encouraging to them. It makes me think I should never have kids. Plus, I have so much bad karma built up that any of my offspring will have tails and flippers and other such deformities. But I wouldn't be the worst parent in the world; there are at least 10 others ahead of me.

#5 Leticia Jean and Billy Ray Cyrus

Does anyone else find this creepy?

If we have learned anything from Miley Cyrus, it's that redneck parents and hollywood stardom do not mix. Just take a look at Miley's Wikipedia page; the longest section is subtitled "Controversies". I guess I'll just pick a few from the extensive list to illustrate how little the Cyrus' care about their daughter's actions, and how they are basically using her to maintain their pseudo-celebrity status.

How is it okay to have your 15-year-old daughter pose in nothing but a sheet for the cover of Vanity Fair. Then, a year later, defend her lapdance on a 46-year-old producer as something kids will do. I guess that's just how kids roll down in Tennessee? And here I thought they were just simple, frog-loving folks (see #2). The best part of the whole parenting situation occurred just a few months ago. After video of Miley smoking salvia (what, California was all out of weed?), her dad TWEETED to half a million followers "Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I'm so sad. There is much beyond my control right now". Billy Ray Cyrus, publicly parenting 140 characters at a time.

low five: the most egotistical literary heroes

Lately I have been trying to do more leisure reading. It's not like engineering students have a lot of reading to do, unless you count referencing building codes. So I figured my free time would be best spent catching up on some classics. But what I have noticed is that a lot of characters are just portrayed as better than everyone else. In some cases, they have almost no faults. The only thing worse than this type of character is one who thinks they are better than everyone else, or that they have no faults.

So now that I have to endure the constant media coverage of people like Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, and Donald Trump, I can't help but see their most annoying qualities in some of the most notorious literary heroes. Like, I think about Jay Gatsby's awesome parties and great reputation, and I think "winning". But then I picture him as the sad, washed-up addict that is Charlie Sheen. Maybe if we can just reunite him with his Daisy Buchanon, he'll stop this ridiculous tour and close his twitter account.


#5 - Holden Caulfield

I won't try to imagine what
Holden looks like. That
would be phony...

This has got to be the whiniest, most self-centered kid ever to achieve a mass following. He is easily the most beloved hipster. The kid is always calling other people phony and sees himself as some kind of guardian of innocence. Instead of staying in school, getting help for his grades, and reaching out to make new friends, Holden writes the whole experience off as superficial and useless. Obviously, getting drunk and paying a hooker for conversation is a much more fulfilling experience. Basically, Holden is a dumb kid who has mastered the art of angst. By telling himself he is above everything that he fails miserably at, he can still feel superior in some way.

And the ultimate mark of a self-centered egomaniac is inviting your ex-girlfriend to a musical and then asking her to move away with you. That was your play, Holden? Yeah, I can't believe it didn't work. Must be one crazy bitch to not want to spend her life in the collapsing black hole of melancholy and drear that is your life. She couldn't understand, she is too phony. Definitely not good enough for you, Holden. But I guess he should be surprised by her reaction; people are just incapable of interacting with Holden without being attracted to him. I mean, that former teacher who let Holden stay with him for a night was CLEARLY making a sexual advance. That head-patting definitely wasn't some gesture of concern or pity for a delusional youth who lost his way...

high five: most popular musical acts of the animal kingdom

A few days ago, fellow blog contributor Zombie Jesus and I watched a solid 3 hours of Planet Earth. It is hands down the most mesmerizing show on TV, and I can only image it is better in HD. Susan Sarandon's voice is even better for narration than Morgan Freeman's. There, I said it. Someone had to...

But the best part of the show is the ridiculous animals they film. My favorite had to be the "Pine Martens" (I think that was their name. Don't quote me on it though). They are basically thieving, immoral squirrels. But all these animals got me thinking, what if they had the ability to make music? What animals would be burning up the Billboard charts? One thing is for sure, there would definitely be an auto-tuned song about Pine Martens climbing in yo' nests, snatchin' yo' creatures up. So ya'll need to hide yo' eggs, hide yo' chicks, and read these high fives, cuz I'm rankin' everybody out there.

#5 - Li'l Deer

Li'l Muntjac serving time on weapons
charges. Everyone wants a piece of the
famous guy...

So one animal I saw was the world's smallest species of deer, and it stands a whopping 18 inches tall and an weighs in at approximately 20 pounds. I have a hard enough time understanding how regular deer have avoided extinction all these years, since all they do is eat grass and get preyed on by carnivores. So how the hell is this tiny deer, called a miniature muntjac, not go extinct instantly? It must have some serious respect in the animal kingdom and the smarts to somehow live alongside predators that would eat it like a White Castle burger.


So let's look at what we know about this crazy little animal. It's really small, it's a survivor, it probably always feels disrespected, and it's smarter than you would expect. This deer is straight gangsta. I'm gonna say this is the closest fauna get to Li'l Wayne, who is only 5'6", shot and nearly killed himself at the age of 13, raps about his peers hating on him, and actually was an honors student in school. So it's settled, animals must be lining up to collaborate with Li'l Muntjac.

high five: you don't have to be irish to be drunk right now

If you are looking at this post, I assume you are sober enough to work your computer and can focus on reading something. So to that I say, shame on you. It is St. Patrick's day, the most socially-acceptable day to mimic the life choices on a chronic alcoholic! Isn't that what we all strive for in life?

So if you are having trouble getting started on your drunken festivities, allow me to help. These are my five favorite types of alcohol, listed in descending order of how much you will remember tomorrow morning. And I refuse to acknowledge wine because it sucks. This is a blog for gentlemen, and no gentleman would be caught on St. Patty's day with a box of franzia.


#5 - Miller High Life

Pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it is the champagne of beers. It's definitely the most versatile beer because you can use it for games, you can drink it while watching sports, and if you spill a whole bottle, you don't feel bad about it. And while it only conatins about 5% alcohol by volume, you can buy them in 30s and drink 'em all night.

Before you know it, it's morning and you just chanted "U-S-A, U-S-A" at a Puerto Rican student throughout the entire movie Miracle and went sledding on a plastic folding table. And you should probably get that huge bump on your head looked at, you really might have a concussion. These seem like really specific results of a morning after High Life, huh? Yeah, college is great.

low five: why are these things so absurdly expensive?!

Hey everyone, it's been a while! First off, just want to say happy birthday to fellow gentleman rmed. You probably don't know much about him, since he does not appear on the introductions page.

I haven't had time to write any new and entertaining posts because I was the victim of a random act of vandalism. That, combined with my steadily decreasing bank account, have led me to the realization that you don't need money to be happy. But you do need it to pay for all the over-priced shit in life. I don't see many homeless people who are happy, but that's because I don't live in any of these places. So here are five things that shouldn't make you poor, but probably will.


#5 Mass Pike tolls

Look closely, she is actually a ticket-
giver. Why isn't her job automated yet!?

It's not that the tolls are too high, but that there are even tolls at all. Why does it costs $1 to drive from Worcester to Cambridge on the Mass Pike, when I could take a slightly longer route (with less traffic) for free? Or, even better, I could reduce my carbon footprint and avoid the costs of parking by using the commuter rail!

It's not like that toll money is being used to keep the highway in pristine condition. It is in no better shape than 95 or 93, and those don't have tolls. No, that money is being used to PAY THE TOLL COLLECTORS. And provide them with dry-cleaning! And dental plans! It's just a needless loop that benefits no one. If there were no tolls, there would be no toll collectors. Problem solved. Plus, no one wants to be a toll colector. They are probably the most miserable-looking people on Earth. I would love that job, though. Just pop in some earbuds and enjoy the scenery. Maybe have some fun by putting on a ski mask and aiming a water gun through the window, demanding $0.55 to get off at route 84.

high five: who the hell discovered this great food?

Now that it is Lent, I have to brush up on the few dietary laws of the Catholic church. They make zero sense and, as I was discussing with a friend, are clearly the end result of Jesus' efforts to stir up business for his fishing industry. I mean, how is fish not a meat? It is the flesh of an animal that we consume for protein. But because it lives in water, we can eat it on the Fridays leading up to Easter? Whatever, at least we don't have to learn all that kosher business. All these rules got me thinking about food, and the most delicious things that probably shouldn't have been discovered as edible.


#5 - Potatoes

"Guys, look what I found. Should we
try to eat it?"

Gotta love the Peruvian natives who decided to pull these brown lumps of dinosaur shit out of the ground and figure out a way to eat them. Raw potatoes are pretty terrible, and can contain toxins that give you diarrhea and cramps, or even a coma and death. But the most off-putting part is that they are basically Mother Nature's blackheads; no one wants them, they grow beneath the surface, and they're ugly. I don't trust things that grow under earth's surface. If it was meant to be eaten we would be able to see it.

Vegetables need to take a lesson from fruits. Fruits are brightly colored and sweet and grow in plain sight; vegetables are bitter and ugly and hard to see. And in the case of the potato, you can't just pull it out of the ground and bite into it (unless you like the horrid taste of raw potato). But once you crack the potato code and learn how to make french fries, it's game over. Suddenly, potatoes are a staple of the American diet. They are a symbol of freedom and capitalism. And if the drunken Irish farmers hadn't completely focused their food supply around the potato (instead of, oh I don't know, fish? Ireland, you are an island!) and been forced to move to America during the blight, we wouldn't have the Celtics, the Dopkick Murphys, or Conan O'Brien. All thanks to someone trying to eat a potato.