I'm the dude, playin the dude, disguised as another dude!

The same guy just happens to be in the Bud Light App and Hornitos Tequila Brotherly Love commercials. Yup, I noticed this at 2 in the morning last night. Watch both commercials below if you want.

That just happened

Could this be any more epic?

I'm going to pay Jack Edwards to give a locker room speech before my next game.

In honor of the new "Pirates" movie, a rant about piracy

So Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is released this week. I've also been downloading a lot of music in my spare time since the PlayStation network has gone down, so now seems like an appropriate time to discuss piracy. Specifically the music and movie variety.

Without getting into too much of the whole right vs. wrong morality angle of the whole thing, I'm pretty much going to rant about how awful the music industry has handled this situation.

So downloading music illegally has been pretty mainstream since Napster. And before that people just used cassettes to record their favorite songs off of the radio. Not wanting to pay for music is nothing new, but technology has reached a point where it's never been easier to "steal" stuff. I mean, EVERYONE knows what an mp3 is.

Whenever a new development affects a particular industry, it's forced to adapt. That is, unless it's the music/movie industry when it comes to the whole piracy issue. Instead of saying, "People aren't going to stop, maybe we should find other ways to make profits. At least they're still interested in listening to our songs," they've basically said, "This is so fucking illegal. How can people get away with this? How about we sue the pants off of a few people who we'll randomly pick out of a hat to make an example of?"

That seems like a great strategy.

History Doesn't Act It's Age

Oh ya, remember when I posted this - Need More: Tyler Seguin. Haha what's that? You were right Rob? And pretty much everything you said still makes sense now? Oh, ok thanks guys.

Need Less: People living off the system

Ok so I've been working my big boy job for just over a year now (by 2 days!). And the one thing I've consistently noticed is how much my paychecks are lowered by "The Man" taking out taxes. Don't get me wrong, my monster tax return helped with this, but no one wants to see their money taken from them. Especially if it goes to people like Leroy Fick.

So since this 56 year old dude won the lottery, people are either going to be extremely happy or jealous, but I'm absolutely enraged. That's because despite the $2 million he won last year, he's still eligible for foodstamps! That's right! Myself, along with every other tax paying American, are indirectly paying for this man's groceries. Apparently there's some loophole that his winnings don't count as income (despite the fact that winners have to pay income taxes on their earnings!).

To make matters worse, there's this dude:

Yup, that's a real, adult man right there. And he's on welfare. Along with his "caretaker." Ignoring the fact that his fetish is right or wrong (it's totally fucked up by the way), it's absolutely absurd that he gets government assistance. For what reason? He builds furniture, so he's capable of being employed. And he even dresses normal in public, so he can function in society.

Enter Senator Tom Coburn who is my new hero (despite the fact that he's a Republican). He wants to take away this man's Social Security check. Now that this situation is finally getting some coverage, hopefully the right thing will happen.

Oh and what was this baby's reaction? “You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care,” the California man said. “I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.”

Hmmmmm. Ok! I didn't realize I signed up to basically pay "child" support for a perfectly capable adult male. Maybe he actually wants to kill himself from constantly watching Barney on PBS. Or because Glen Davis totally stole his nickname.

...and that grinds the shit outta my gears!

Missing Jack Edwards?

Obviously the Bruins are still in the playoffs, but since the games are on Versus, there's no Jack. Well, here's some throwbacks to fulfill your appetite.

Need More: Craigslist Missed Connections!

Back by popular demand because I was really bored and thought some of these were pretty funny.

It never ceases to amaze me that some people think they'll be able to find love this way. And why do they think they have the right to act so creepy because someone who they might remember may have smiled at them that one time at the place where they both happened to be?

Ok the first entry: "Lowell District Court blond with amazing legs"

"You were amazing! tell me what town your firm is from so I know its you. We had a nice chat."

Instead of worrying about what town her firm was from, he should have asked, "How long am I getting locked up for so I can decide if you should wait for me?" Seriously how creepy is this guy? And I don't really think saying, "Your honor, this man acted with gross disregard for the law" qualifies as a "chat." But maybe that's just me. What is the "blond girl with amazing legs" supposed to think know? Obviously she realizes that this guy will be fantasizing about her for whatever time period he happens to be in prison. She basically served as his "last meal" for a very long time. Gross.

There's a lot more to come after the jump. (Including a grown man in a Darth Vader costume, and an angry chick in CVS)

Does this mean it's safe to masturbate on airplanes now?

She must have really quiero'd some Taco Bell

A woman from Ohio just wanted some fourth meal. But her blood alcohol level was almost twice the legal limit.

After 1 am on April 16th, police kept receiving calls that a car was weaving through traffic and driving off the road. Cops eventually found the woman at a local Taco Bell drive through. They pulled up beside the car, but the woman, who was wearing sunglasses, refused to stop. She pulled up to the second window and picked up her order before she was arrested.

Apparently she was just following the Drive Thru Diet. Can you really blame her for wanting some Baja Blast with her chalupa? I just wouldn't want to be her cellmate.

And if you're a cop, why not just stake out drive thru's after midnight? It must be like a goldmine.

While doing research for this story, I found out that apparently a ton of "what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks" that go on at Taco Bell during the night. Who knows? Maybe this might just be a weekly feature.

Need More: Props for Microsoft Encarta

When you're original you usually either get recognized or ridiculed. And Microsoft Encarta didn't really get much of anything because people completely forgot about it.

But that's not right. You can't just let such an ol' g die without giving it some props. Encarta deserves to be saluted because it was pretty much Wikipedia before Wikipedia existed.

If Microsoft Encarta were a person, he would be wearing skinny jeans and flannel shirts before they were "cool." He'd be a real trailblazer if you will.

Microsoft Encarta is the guy who gets abused and puts in all the hard work to try to make something happen, and then some other asshole comes in, steals his glory and gets the hot chick. That's right, Wikipedia is a thunder-stealer. And it's not even considered a legitimate source of information by educational institutions!

Flavor Flav Fail

So Flavor Flav decided to open up a chicken restaurant, called FFC, with some random dude. And then decided to close it after 4 months. Flav was apparently concerned with his reputation. Probably the same way we're all concerned for our sanity whenever we hear him speak. "How did this guy become so famous?" "Why am I still watching him right now?"

Anyway the best part is that he wants to open a restaurant in Vegas (for some reason). But his former co-owner, the man he says was trying to ruin his name, claims that Flav stole his idea.

Really dude? Flavor Flav stole your idea to open a fast food fried chicken restaurant? With a name that includes "FC" in the initials? "Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata."

If you watch the video on this page, you can even see a KFC in the background.

Now I'm just wondering what these people are going to do without their chicken.

Need Less: Superhero Movies

Let me come right out and say that this needing less of the superhero movies does not apply to the current Batman franchise. Nor would it apply to Aquaman if Entourage was real.

But everything else can pretty much go. Don't get me wrong, there are some good movies from this genre here and there, but for the most part they suck. For every Batman movie there's 10 Incredible Hulks or Punishers. And judging by the rate that they keep remaking the Incredible Hulk or The Punisher, there might actually be a 10:1 ratio.

The Punisher first came out in 1989 starring Dolph Lundgren. I confess I've never seen it, but since I haven't even heard about it until I searched "punisher" on IMDB, I can't imagine it was that good. Even assuming it was the best movie of all time, do we need to really have a remake in 2004? Or a sequel in 2008? How about yet another remake in development coming out in 2014? Will the world be a better place because of this? I doubt it.

And that brings me to the Incredible Hulk, one of my favorite TV shows as a young lad. There was something about the green make-up and Lou Ferrigno. Oh Ferrigs. Anyway there was Hulk in 2003, which was so bad that it needed to be remade and renamed back to the original the Incredible Hulk in 2008.

Instead of trying to remake old versions of the movie that failed, maybe studios, actors, and directors should realize that instead of the movie being the problem, maybe it's the character. Some storylines and characters just don't translate well into 2 hour movies.

An open letter to people who send out spam e-mails

Dear Spam (I realize spam comes from an automated system, and not from actual people, but just work with me here),

I have a bone to pick with you, mister! Why me? I was just trying to win that 50'' flat screen when I signed up for that sketchy e-mail list. Hindsight is always 20/20, but is it too much to ask that a brotha just wants to save a few bucks here and there?

Secondly, get a space bar and stop making it seem like the "sender" is the subject line.

Finally, daaammmnnnn. You must have a lot of time on your hands. Get a job man. Stop trying to live off the system. Spam averages 78% of all e-mails sent.

Basically, get out of my inbox. It's as simple as that. I'll admit I get a little excited whenever I receive an e-mail because it makes me feel like I have a reason to communicate electronically with the outside world, but you just annoy the shit out of me. Now, excuse me while I go find "PlusSizeClothing" for those "BigAndBeautofulSingles."

Sincerely,
rmed

P.S. Apparently the federal government is asking you to spam them. Forward your spam to this website.
P.P.S. Spam really grinds my...no, sorry. I can't do it.

Confirmed: You're a communist if you don't like Back to the Future

What has been the topic of speculation for quite some time has finally been confirmed today - if you don't like Back to the Future you're a commi. And it's factually based so I'm pretty sure it'd hold up in court.

The proof? The Chinese government has decided to ban time travel from being shown on TV because it "lacks positive thoughts and meaning." Don't worry - it's totally cool to run over people in Tienanmen Square with tanks, but Budha forbid if you try to watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Basically the morale of the story is that if you're a 14 16 14 year-old Chinese gymnast, then good luck trying to watch some classic 80's movies, stalking some peeps on Facebook, or passing time in your sweatshop with some YouTube videos.

(0:47)

History Will be Made. Commercial Countdown.

Going back a bit, eguarino posted a low five on advertising. Even yesterday I posted about how most car ads are extremely outrageous and wasteful. But today? The advertising industry gets some lovin'. Cue the Marvin Gaye.

Ohhhhh yeah. Are you feelin' that?

The NHL playoffs are about to get going, and in honor of some of my favorite ads I'll post some of their best efforts. And what truly great commercials they are. It's incredible how such a simple formula can work (take note auto industry). Insert a classic clip - a brief moment in time that has the ability to give you the chills, combine that with excited announcers and epic slow music, then top everything off with a tagline that brings it all together.

These ads are so easy to make that there are literally thousands of YouTube vids people have made themselves. And the NHL completely embraces this. Knowing it would be almost impossible to stop these parodies, and also to encourage people to create their own ode to a classic moment, the league provides music on their own website! If you can't beat 'em join 'em (once again another industry can take a cue from this - ahem record labels). More vids after the jump. And some Bruins clips.

Need Less: Professional Drivers on a Closed Course

We all know this phrase from the car commercials we see on TV. But just think about how absurd it is. I mean do people actually need their pick-up trucks to tow 10,000 pounds up a flaming ramp? And what the hell are you supposed to do once you get to the top? I know I'm going after that dick who turned on the gas and started the fire. That was uncalled for 'bro.

If I happen to come across this life or death situation and I absolutely needed to get to the top of this random structure in the middle of the desert, then I'll make sure I call someone who owns a Toyota Tundra. Because obviously Chevy, GMC and Ford don't engineer their trucks to be able to do this. Tundra owners must have complained and run across this situation so many times that Toyota decided to step up and say, "You know what, let's make a truck that can do this. And the commercial will be awesome because people will see how bad-ass our trucks are."

Or they're just complete dumb-asses and think people actually want to buy these trucks because they can do all this cool shit. You can drive up this crazy ramp in the middle of the no where, but if you're looking for a truck that can function in the city or on highways then you're fucked.

I hate politics, but this is incredible

"Oh. My. God. Two posts about politics in one week. That's it I'm done reading."

It's ok guys don't panic, I still hate politics. The other day I had to post probably the most crazy and over-the-top speech I've ever seen. But this video is even better. I won't give any details before the break because I want it to be a surprise. Just watch it. Now. What are you waiting for Dustin? (Do you still even read this blog?)

Need More: Crazy Politicians

Love the energy this guy brings, but would you really vote for him? And no, apparently he doesn't LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Clearly this guy has a passion for what he does, and I think that's awesome because it seems so few politicians today have that. But he might go a little overboard. Just a little. Maybe he falls under the "stupid politicians" Zombie Jesus wrote about.

What more can you even say about this video? This guy puts Howard Dean to shame.

To keep it short and sweet, I'll give a bulleted recap:

Need Less: People who roll up their sweatshirt sleeves

I'm baaaccckkkkk! Are people done writing about the same things as me? Is it safe to blog again? Alright I apologize and I'm done.

Now that we've cleared that up, let me enlighten you. We could definitely use less rolling up of the sweatshirt sleeves and/or sweatshirt sleeves that go above the elbow. (Disclaimer: this does not apply to a subtle sweatshirt pulling up of the sleeves. I'll allow that for a max of 3-5 inches above the wrist.)

What's the point of wearing a sweatshirt if you're going to roll the sleeves up? It's a garment designed to bring you warmth and you just exposed half of your arms. You'll get especially cold if you happen to shave your arms, which is just weird anyway. Who does that!

To examine this phenomenon, let's try to get inside the mind of a sweatshirt-roller-upper. It's a brisk day in the spring or possibly the fall. You have a general distrust of meteorologists, and aren't sure to wear short sleeves or long sleeves. God-for-fucking-bid if you're ever too cold or too hot Goldilocks.