AL East Weekly Recap

So for those of you who forgot, baseball season is in full swing. I know no one gives a shit due to the way the C's and B's have been playing whether it be a dominating series sweep or a heart-pounding, 7 game sudden death OT thriller. HOWEVER, the weather is finally getting nice out, my first softball game of the season is Sunday, and its getting time for the boys of summer to take center stage.....well as soon as the playoffs are done.

She must have really quiero'd some Taco Bell

A woman from Ohio just wanted some fourth meal. But her blood alcohol level was almost twice the legal limit.

After 1 am on April 16th, police kept receiving calls that a car was weaving through traffic and driving off the road. Cops eventually found the woman at a local Taco Bell drive through. They pulled up beside the car, but the woman, who was wearing sunglasses, refused to stop. She pulled up to the second window and picked up her order before she was arrested.

Apparently she was just following the Drive Thru Diet. Can you really blame her for wanting some Baja Blast with her chalupa? I just wouldn't want to be her cellmate.

And if you're a cop, why not just stake out drive thru's after midnight? It must be like a goldmine.

While doing research for this story, I found out that apparently a ton of "what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks" that go on at Taco Bell during the night. Who knows? Maybe this might just be a weekly feature.

LIke a Boss

FREE SECONDINI!

Putin!

• Man faces up to four years in prison after he was charged with intentionally running over and killing four ducklings with his Hummer.....
  


• The ducklings, the mother duck and four to eight other ducklings were nesting under a bush at a McDonald's restaurant ....


• The Driver is charged with driving the Hummer back into the McDonald's parking lot and running over the flock, killing four of the ducklings...
  
  Way to go Sac. I ain't bailing you out.

On a side note, googling duck killer gives a shockingly large amount of articles like this

Need More: Props for Microsoft Encarta

When you're original you usually either get recognized or ridiculed. And Microsoft Encarta didn't really get much of anything because people completely forgot about it.

But that's not right. You can't just let such an ol' g die without giving it some props. Encarta deserves to be saluted because it was pretty much Wikipedia before Wikipedia existed.

If Microsoft Encarta were a person, he would be wearing skinny jeans and flannel shirts before they were "cool." He'd be a real trailblazer if you will.

Microsoft Encarta is the guy who gets abused and puts in all the hard work to try to make something happen, and then some other asshole comes in, steals his glory and gets the hot chick. That's right, Wikipedia is a thunder-stealer. And it's not even considered a legitimate source of information by educational institutions!

Cooper Music

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE Sucka Bitch Montreal.

What Really Grinds My Gears: 95% of Sports-Realted Facebook Statuses

So I know I haven't been pissed off in a while, but Evan's recent comeback has inspired me to get back on the horse. So many of you may have noticed that 95% of people's FB statuses these days encourperate either the Bruins or the Celtics. Oh hey why not! Playoffs baby! Only problem, I'm pretty sure most of these people wouldn't know a puck or basketball if it hit them in the ass. Take for instance the random girl post: Bruuiiinsssssssss ; ) <3333333. Really? Since when do you watch hockey? I'm pretty sure chances are if its Sunday night you're gonna be watching E!'s wonderful line-up of high quality programing (sarcasm Dan) over the game.

low five: what idiot allows this crap on tv?

So thanks to an endless stream of radio commercials, news stories, and facebook updates about "The Voice" and the royal wedding, I've started to wonder who decides what mindless tv show ideas get greenlit and who decides to pull the plug on stuff like "Freaks and Geeks". Based on some of the recent atrocities to get a shot at primetime, I think the manatee writers from that South Park episode got a raise and now are Cable executives.

While I don't watch a ton of tv, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly so I have an idea of what is on and what looks incredibly stupid. I usually wait a couple years, see what shows turn out to be good, and watch entire seasons online in a matter of a couple days. For example, Two weeks ago I had never seen an episode of "Community"; now I'm completely caught up to a show that is airing it's 40-something-ith episode this week. Here are 5 shows I will never take seriously, and why...

#5 American Idol
What a terrible, terrible idea for a television show. The only thing worse than the show itself is how it has maintained it's popularity in this country. I don't understand why people would want to watch amateurs try their hand at real artists' hits. I love music too much to sit through an almost-as-good version of Cee Lo's "Fuck You" (radio version, of course - it's a family show). Until they force the contestants to write their own songs, and possibly even play their own instruments, I'm not interested. Remember people, this is the show that forced Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini into our lives.

And this is the part where you all point out that the early episodes are like candy to people who love to mock other (delusional) people for following their dreams. But I could do that with youtube. Watch the clip below and you'll see what I mean. Like, I would love to see Taylor Swift's reaction to the cold-blooded murder of "Should've Said No". This girl either has the greatest sense of humor of all time or an incredible ability to rationalize all the horrible comments on that video as pure jealousy. The point is, if I want to watch terrible singers, I'll use youtube, and if I want to hear real music I'll use iTunes.

"Nailed it..."

Morning news: We're all boned. Or Actually, YOU'RE all boned.

Whilst Sony is busy giving your personal information to skynet/hackers/anonymous, and everyone is busy changing all their passwords and worrying that the apocalypse is coming, Microsoft unbanned all their consoles. Oh yeah, and PSN is still down. More fail after the cut.

Flavor Flav Fail

So Flavor Flav decided to open up a chicken restaurant, called FFC, with some random dude. And then decided to close it after 4 months. Flav was apparently concerned with his reputation. Probably the same way we're all concerned for our sanity whenever we hear him speak. "How did this guy become so famous?" "Why am I still watching him right now?"

Anyway the best part is that he wants to open a restaurant in Vegas (for some reason). But his former co-owner, the man he says was trying to ruin his name, claims that Flav stole his idea.

Really dude? Flavor Flav stole your idea to open a fast food fried chicken restaurant? With a name that includes "FC" in the initials? "Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata."

If you watch the video on this page, you can even see a KFC in the background.

Now I'm just wondering what these people are going to do without their chicken.

A Tribute: Secondini Feild at Club Stadium

So, for those of you who are unfamiliar with these hallowed grounds, we are essentially talking about the Yankee Stadium of backyard sporting venues. Founded in the Summer of 1997 by two brothers with a lot of time on their hands, this little piece of heaven saw some of the greatest battles of backyard sports that any field will know.

In case anybody needed more proof that we're all farked....

A group of marathon runners very nearly ran down an antelope in the wild. Let me repeat that.

This

Ran Down

This

I'm huffing and puffing after a 7:40 mile and these dudes are running sub 5 minute miles. In the desert. After a farking antelope. For 20 miles. TO TIRE IT OUT.

Also I've really got nothing to post recently. Haven't seen a story I like enough and it's too easy to make fun of y'all for being PS3 fanboys.... and nobody likes the Wii anymore.

low five: most unfortunate bible characters

Back from the dead! On Easter (okay fine, technically the day after)! Did I really just compare my return to the blog with the resurrection of Jesus? No, just simply pointing out the similarities... But anyway, I've been gone for far too long, busy trying to get my shit together. And you know where my shit is? Still scattered far and wide. So since I apparently can't get anything done even when I shun my creative outlets, I might as well come back!

So, Easter. All you non-Christians need not worry, it's not that cool of a holiday. Once you are too old for egg hunts, it's no different from any other day, except for either the seemingly endless Easter mass or the guilt of not going to the seemingly endless Easter mass. It's probably the holiest day on the Christian calendar, but it's just not as cool without the illusion of a giant rabbit that delivers eggs full of candy. Seriously, where did that one come from? But anyway, since it's such an important day to Christians, let's consider the most undesirable situations in the Bible so we can feel better about ourselves.


#5 Jonah

Hmm, in this version of the story Jonah gets stuck in baleen?

I'm pretty sure that when you get swallowed by a whale, you die. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I can't see how anyone would live. My best guess is suffocation or drowning, but who knows, maybe the whale's stomach acid would digest you alive first. But the worst part is, Jonah got swallowed because he refused to go warn an evil city full of his enemies that God would be destroying them all soon. When he finally obliged (a whale's stomach is a good place to think over God's proposition), he is obviously pissed because everyone in the city repented and was saved. He stops to rest, and God gives him a vine for shade, but then sends a worm to kill the vine. So Jonah's enemies get off easy, but Jonah can't catch a break.

I think it is important to note that, in my "extensive" research into this story, I read that some scholars believe that Jonah's hair, skin, and clothing were bleached to a ghostly white by the whale's digestive juices. Seriously, scholars? So that's all that would happen from spending 72 hours inside a whale? It just seems like if you are reading this story and taking everything literally, you probably aren't thinking a lot about the logistics of being inside a whale's stomach.

Coopermusic DOUBLE: The Bands I'm Seeing Tonight

SYMPHONY X - Inferno

POWERGLOVE- Tetris. (yes, Tetris)

Like A Boss

Bruins Recap

Where the hell did Cooper go on this one? He posts 9 times a day, and when the Bruins tie up the series (2-2) he's nowhere to be found?

AL East Weekly Recap

Like A Boss

This Construction worker leaves his ramp at another job site.... so does he give up?

Stupid Metal Bats

I dont even care what this says.... having metal bats in college is stupid. if i used wood in high school, people in college should have to use wood

Angry Cooper Rants: Student Loans PSA

Ah yes, the scourge of the college grad. Since our demographic is basically graduates of higher instiutions, people who get misled in google search, and some people in Germany (Rammsetin ist genial, Entschuldigen Sie mein Deutsch), I'm going to appeal to the former this morning (I'll do Rammstein in a CooperMusic later).

Need Less: Superhero Movies

Let me come right out and say that this needing less of the superhero movies does not apply to the current Batman franchise. Nor would it apply to Aquaman if Entourage was real.

But everything else can pretty much go. Don't get me wrong, there are some good movies from this genre here and there, but for the most part they suck. For every Batman movie there's 10 Incredible Hulks or Punishers. And judging by the rate that they keep remaking the Incredible Hulk or The Punisher, there might actually be a 10:1 ratio.

The Punisher first came out in 1989 starring Dolph Lundgren. I confess I've never seen it, but since I haven't even heard about it until I searched "punisher" on IMDB, I can't imagine it was that good. Even assuming it was the best movie of all time, do we need to really have a remake in 2004? Or a sequel in 2008? How about yet another remake in development coming out in 2014? Will the world be a better place because of this? I doubt it.

And that brings me to the Incredible Hulk, one of my favorite TV shows as a young lad. There was something about the green make-up and Lou Ferrigno. Oh Ferrigs. Anyway there was Hulk in 2003, which was so bad that it needed to be remade and renamed back to the original the Incredible Hulk in 2008.

Instead of trying to remake old versions of the movie that failed, maybe studios, actors, and directors should realize that instead of the movie being the problem, maybe it's the character. Some storylines and characters just don't translate well into 2 hour movies.

Chalk Another One up for the Green Team

Yeaaaaaaaaa buddy!! You can put your kids to bed. Its over. Amare is down. Billups is dead. And Carmelo checked his pants after the game and realized he was supposed to be in the WNBA this whole time. Bring on baby Bron Bron.

The #1 Reason the Blackhawks are coming back this series.

Are we allowed to do caption contests? Winner gets some baked goods or a beer or something.

An open letter to people who send out spam e-mails

Dear Spam (I realize spam comes from an automated system, and not from actual people, but just work with me here),

I have a bone to pick with you, mister! Why me? I was just trying to win that 50'' flat screen when I signed up for that sketchy e-mail list. Hindsight is always 20/20, but is it too much to ask that a brotha just wants to save a few bucks here and there?

Secondly, get a space bar and stop making it seem like the "sender" is the subject line.

Finally, daaammmnnnn. You must have a lot of time on your hands. Get a job man. Stop trying to live off the system. Spam averages 78% of all e-mails sent.

Basically, get out of my inbox. It's as simple as that. I'll admit I get a little excited whenever I receive an e-mail because it makes me feel like I have a reason to communicate electronically with the outside world, but you just annoy the shit out of me. Now, excuse me while I go find "PlusSizeClothing" for those "BigAndBeautofulSingles."

Sincerely,
rmed

P.S. Apparently the federal government is asking you to spam them. Forward your spam to this website.
P.P.S. Spam really grinds my...no, sorry. I can't do it.

Ray Allen Biaaaatchhhhhhhhhhh!

And that's how you make a game 1 statement! Down 12 at half, get the ball to Jesus!!!! Suck on that shit Spike Lee. Just how you wrote it. Big State what what!!

In today's "Who got funding to do this study"..... Is Headbanging Dangerous?

So if you were to take a snapshot of my typical 7-4pm workday, you would assume that my day basically consists of science and music. Shocker. And to poorly quote one of my other articles "why not combine them?" After all, there's got to be somebody who is willing to pay me to do science on music... right?Well apparently somebody already beat me to it. Either this is the fakest study ever, or quite possibly the funniest. It even sounds like I wrote the title...

"Head and neck injury risks in heavy metal: head bangers stuck between rock and a hard bass"

I'm going to break it down (LOL OBVIOUS PUN LOL), but you're going to have to click the "read more" button so I can feel good about myself when I look at the pageviews. (Editor's note: this is actually kind of long, for once) (also caution: light profanity)

Is Notre Dame Cool Again???

Yes, I am posting at 420AM.

Mostly because I have to say.

AL East Weekly Recap

And so goes another week in the bizarre world of the AL East. I just don't know what to think at this point....mainly because I have a hangover. But i digress. Lets get into some baseball.

Actual CooperMusic: Skrillex + Korn = Skrillorn?

Fuck what Dustin put up. This is what I'm going to listen to when i have to break everything.

This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself

This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself

This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.

Confirmed: You're a communist if you don't like Back to the Future

What has been the topic of speculation for quite some time has finally been confirmed today - if you don't like Back to the Future you're a commi. And it's factually based so I'm pretty sure it'd hold up in court.

The proof? The Chinese government has decided to ban time travel from being shown on TV because it "lacks positive thoughts and meaning." Don't worry - it's totally cool to run over people in Tienanmen Square with tanks, but Budha forbid if you try to watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Basically the morale of the story is that if you're a 14 16 14 year-old Chinese gymnast, then good luck trying to watch some classic 80's movies, stalking some peeps on Facebook, or passing time in your sweatshop with some YouTube videos.

(0:47)

Coopermusic: D²B² style

What Really Grinds My Gears: Hoverounds Causing Traffic

Go go gooooo on my Hoveroundddddd!!! Yea go anywhere you want but use the fucking side-walk. I'm all for the elderly and disabled beaing able to get around on their own (or Tom riding one down Franklin St. to go get a Pizza), but there has to be some laws in place that keeps them out of traffic. Walking pedestrians not paying attention make things bad enough, but at least you can yell at those guys without looking like the worlds biggest asshole. But these guys are more or less bullet proof. Who's gonna yell at some old homeless guy for pulling his Hoveround out into traffic? No one. Don't really feel like going to hell.

It's Over.

Everyone put your money on Montreal because NHL11 just predicted the Bruins winning the cup. Here's a picture of Henrik Lundquvist for no reason. Ill be in a fetal position over there in case anyone is looking for me. Side note. Perm if you bet on this series I will END YOU.

Fail: Too funny to not post

History of Route 1

We have all traveled down or up route 1, it seems like a common thing, and we do not take the time to appreciate its historical value. In this blog post, I hope to take some time to change the pace with a serious post, and maybe even educate you a bit. Here is the History of Route 1.

History Will be Made. Commercial Countdown.

Going back a bit, eguarino posted a low five on advertising. Even yesterday I posted about how most car ads are extremely outrageous and wasteful. But today? The advertising industry gets some lovin'. Cue the Marvin Gaye.

Ohhhhh yeah. Are you feelin' that?

The NHL playoffs are about to get going, and in honor of some of my favorite ads I'll post some of their best efforts. And what truly great commercials they are. It's incredible how such a simple formula can work (take note auto industry). Insert a classic clip - a brief moment in time that has the ability to give you the chills, combine that with excited announcers and epic slow music, then top everything off with a tagline that brings it all together.

These ads are so easy to make that there are literally thousands of YouTube vids people have made themselves. And the NHL completely embraces this. Knowing it would be almost impossible to stop these parodies, and also to encourage people to create their own ode to a classic moment, the league provides music on their own website! If you can't beat 'em join 'em (once again another industry can take a cue from this - ahem record labels). More vids after the jump. And some Bruins clips.

In the most misleading article title ever "Can alcohol help the brain remember?"

I legitimately was excited when I clicked this link.

"Oh man, Evan brought the heat last night. We got people on the `Best Coast` retweeting, a spike in reads. I need this article to be a winner."

Charlie Sheen is still popular, right? Guys?

Now it's not like we need a reason to drink (since the Sox are the worst in the league, double playoffs and the fact that it's finally nice outside,) but who doesn't want to think and tell people that they're actually getting SMARTER while they're getting crunk in the cluuuub.

Or an excuse to post a picture of drunk Eli

The common belief is that the increase in the amount of the alcohol intake increases the amount of brain cells um, lost. Clearly I have never seen any epsiodes of Cheers but it seems like a good excuse to relate this quote. (and in what's called a professional teaser, you have to go behind the cut.)

high five: apparently Oregon is awesome?

So my job search is coming along slowly, and some of the bigger companies aren't looking to hire new graduates in the Boston area. As such, I have been forced to picture myself living in other states (not Texas though. I refuse to go there). Well, I may have found the most underrated state in the US; it's like a hybrid of Great Britain, New England, and California. That's right, I'm talking about Oregon...

Now I'm not saying that Oregon is for everyone; it's cloudy, it's cities are very liberal, and takes a long time to drive to anywhere else. But as someone who has lived in (and enjoyed) New England for my whole life, constant weather is something I could get used to, even if it is rainy and cool. So here are five reasons that, in my opinion, Oregon is sneaky-awesome...

#5 - History

Nothing's worse on a hot June day than a case of dysentery.
Sorry Nicole, no diarrhea in the car. Start walking...

Everyone knows how to get to Oregon; take the Trail! That's right, I am using the popular computer game as a reason for living in the state of Oregon, and while it may not be a great reason, it seemed like a good way to start the list. Plus, if people decided to risk their own lives and the lives of their families to leave an established society on the East coast and head to this state, it must have been for a damn good reason. The trials and tribulations of these brave settlers (and the obnoxiousness of the natives - seriously, that's the going rate for a river crossing? I'll ford it) have been retold through the wonders of modern technology, and will guide me on my own quest.

It's pretty obvious at this point that if I ever have to move to Oregon, I am absolutely mapping out the trail and following it. My four companions and I will start the trip with 1 alternate set of clothing for all to share, no spare parts for the car, and a shitload of ammo. We'll set off at a grueling pace with meager rations (McDonald's dollar menu), and stop at all the check points in an attempt to trade some of our useless ammunition. And just like in the game, if you get a snake bite, deal with it; this wagon ain't stopping. Learn to be more vigilant in the tall grass. Those who survive the journey will join me in enjoying the next four benefits of our new life in Oregon.

Nerdity......by Sac????

So this is going to be one of the few times I'm going to make a posting based off of stuff I learned about in class. But this article was so fucked I had to comment on it. For those who don't want to read the whole thing (I wouldn't either), essentially two biddies who own a defense contracting company in the Carolina's scammed the Pentagon in the mid-2000's for over $20 million. Taking advantage of an automatic payment system, these bids would slap $500,000 shipping fees on things that would only cost like $10. The most astonishing move was that they got away charging $1 Million for two, 19-cent washers......yup...good old Bush administration. Bankrupting the country one dumb ass idea at a time.

Need Less: Professional Drivers on a Closed Course

We all know this phrase from the car commercials we see on TV. But just think about how absurd it is. I mean do people actually need their pick-up trucks to tow 10,000 pounds up a flaming ramp? And what the hell are you supposed to do once you get to the top? I know I'm going after that dick who turned on the gas and started the fire. That was uncalled for 'bro.

If I happen to come across this life or death situation and I absolutely needed to get to the top of this random structure in the middle of the desert, then I'll make sure I call someone who owns a Toyota Tundra. Because obviously Chevy, GMC and Ford don't engineer their trucks to be able to do this. Tundra owners must have complained and run across this situation so many times that Toyota decided to step up and say, "You know what, let's make a truck that can do this. And the commercial will be awesome because people will see how bad-ass our trucks are."

Or they're just complete dumb-asses and think people actually want to buy these trucks because they can do all this cool shit. You can drive up this crazy ramp in the middle of the no where, but if you're looking for a truck that can function in the city or on highways then you're fucked.

Listen, I'm going to post this and you're all going to be mad...

....but sergei bobrovski's (Flyers goalie for those people who don't yet follow hockey) helmet is pretty sick. And i'm going to be posting at least one more time before lunch today. Hold on to your butts.

Actual YAHOO article

i honestly didnt read this article, but i decided to make my own assumptions of how gandhi and harry potter are alike.

well they both wear glasses...

Sucka Bitch of the Day: Some kid in Colorado

So if you're anything like me (hint: you probably aren't) you watch the news in the morning before you go to work. Somehow, certain stations take valuble time away from the important things (read: actual news, weather, traffic) to report dumb stories. I'm not talking about humanitarian stories or the ones that make you "awww" at the end of the newscast.

I'm talking about the one where you go "man, that guy is a wimp." Like it usually involves someone suing for 13 million dollars for "pain and suffering" because they got "emotionally abused" or "got bitch slapped by LeBron's mom." Technical lawyer term things.

Like I"m pretty sure she's going to be sued for a trillion dollars for slapping a valet.

....And then there's this kid who's going to get pepper sprayed.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Tim McCarver

Does anyone out there actually think this guy is a good broadcaster? I mean seriously let me know if you do so I can come find you and open-hand slap you in the face. This guy is a fucking joke. A hall of fame player...with no idea what the fuck he is talking about. Literally none. I mean Joe Buck is bad enough, but this guy takes the fucking cake. Even Buck more or less makes fun of him to his face and he's oblivious too it. Who is the person in charge of selecting FOX's broadcasters? Honestly, I'll do what hes doing for free. I mean, all he does is point out obvious occurrences and say that every pitcher ever reminds him of Pedro Martinez.

I hate politics, but this is incredible

"Oh. My. God. Two posts about politics in one week. That's it I'm done reading."

It's ok guys don't panic, I still hate politics. The other day I had to post probably the most crazy and over-the-top speech I've ever seen. But this video is even better. I won't give any details before the break because I want it to be a surprise. Just watch it. Now. What are you waiting for Dustin? (Do you still even read this blog?)

AL East Weekly Recap

So here is the first edition of the series of posts that essentially only me, perm, and Dan Christie are going to read. I guess its kinds of appropriate that it comes on the day that the two feature teams will meet for the first time this season.

high five: athletic animation

So early April is arguably the best time on the sports calendar, with NBA and NHL playoffs right around the corner, March Madness coming to an end, and baseball season opening day (note: October is also good, sometimes all 4 major sports play at the same time). So I want to do a sports-themed high five because I am in such a good mood; we are going to go through the five cartoon characters that are best-equipped to conquer the sports realm.

I'll start out with an honorable mention; Pikachu. What sport could this tiny electric creature possibly excel in? Jockeying. Pikachus weigh practically nothing, even less than those freakish humans that normally pursue careers in horse-racing. Plus, Pikachus can use some electric attack on the horse to give it an extra jolt of energy. Don't worry, horses are ground-based animals so the electric attacks aren't very effective. But why is this only an honorable mention, you ask? Because jockeys are the 1800's version of NASCAR drivers; they're just along for the horse-powered ride around an oval track. No one ever says, "Wow, did you see how he steered that horse around corner number 2?! It was incredible..."

#5 Sterling Archer

His archery skills are of a higher quality than this picture

I can't resist a good pun, so obviously the cartoon secret agent is going to have to be a competitive archer. It's just too fitting. He is great at darts, so he must have excellent vision and accuracy. He is trained in an array of weaponry, so I have to assume he has experience with a bow. He enjoys a lifestyle of alcohol and women, so archery won't require too much dedication to fitness. There's no way he is giving up expensive prostitutes and hard liquor, so at least he won't be expected to spend much time in the gym. In fact, I think practicing drunk could be beneficial.

So Sterling Archer would make a great archer. But why would he WANT to be an archer? This is a guy who excels at pretty much everything he does, from lacrosse to espionage and everything in between. Well, here's why; throughout the first two seasons of Archer, he consistently references the awesomeness of Burt Reynolds. What does Burt use to kill the toothless, deranged "squeal like a pig" backwater hicks in Deliverance? That's right, a bow. Would Sterling ever pass at the chance to follow in the glorious footsteps of one Burt Reynolds? I think not. Pencil him in for Olympic gold in 2012.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Teachers Who Don't Actually Teach

So its pretty much a given that no one likes to do school work. i get it though. I mean, I know you have to actually do shit in order to be graded and learn and all that other shit that comes along with going to school. But what I can not accept are teachers that pile on assignment after assignment after assignment in the place of doing any actual teaching. This is supposed to be a two-way street. You teach. I learn. Badda bing. Badda boom. If I don't hold up my end, I get a shit grade. if you don't hold up your end.........I get a shit grade? What? How is that even fair. Its not. Fucking step your game up dude.

Written by a dude, about a dude, touching that dudes slut. Slut #7 that is.

"I was walking around my town, half drunk, late at night trying to get home from a pub. I walked past a boy and girl, who I assumed were both drunk, and the girl asked me to help her call a taxi. I had no knowledge of any numbers, so I say sorry and was about to walk on. Then, she called me over and said “Do you think my boobs are big?”. I replied with “Yeah, I think they look huge”. Then, the guy, who I believe was her boyfriend, started grabbing her boobs and motorboating them for fun. She then turned to me and said “Ok, it’s your turn”. Without hesitation, I buried my face between her boobs and squeezed them between my face. After a few seconds, I started grabbing one boob and saying “They are lovely”. Then the girl and the boy started laughing about it. Though, I secretly got my camera out, and told her to show off her boobs in front of me. As she was playing with him, I took a photo, and began to walk away leaving them. Her boobs were definitely double D, and they looked lovely and looked like they were about to fall out of her shirt. It was such a good moment.....CHECK THE PICTURE OUT! "- The Dude

Nerdity! A random Image from the internets.

• Yes, it's a rageface meme


• Yes it has to do with Always Sunny


• No, I didn't make it


• Yes, I'm putting it behind the cut so Dustin doesn't complain that I bump posts off the front page with their length

CooperMusic: Gorillaz

So this is just a great song overall. I've never really met anyone who outright hated this song. To me, this is awesome because A) the bassline is ballin B) the parts of the song are just very well put together and C) it features the only time in the history of the universe that the bassist is getting more girls than the lead singer.

Who Would Win? Boston Sports Heros

Ted Williams VS Tom Brady VS Bobby Orr VS Larry Bird



So in light of Cooper trying to steal yet another one of my posting themes, here is a real who would win that people might actually read. So here we go, some of the most iconic figures in Boston sports history lined up against one another.

Don't call it a come back! You can call her slut #6. Get it, come back? "hehehahaehe"- Peter Griffin

So, I went out with some friends the other night, got there at 10 pm and started drinking like a motherfucker. I was so embarrassing that my friend that drove 600 kilometers to hang with his friends for the weekend left after 30 minutes. Screw him, I had an awesome time. Gave a few lap dances in an attempt to get a couple drinks out of some guys. Stole some peoples shooters. Didn’t pay the bartender for one of my drinks (was too drunk to even understand what she was saying).

My friends ditched me, what the fuck. Some random guy that was part of the group and I don’t even know him, came back to take me home, alas, I couldn’t remember where I lived.

So I ended up at a friends place. When we first got there I disappeared and my friends only found me like 2)minutes later, in someone else’s house, where there were only drunk guys having a party. My friend took me back to his place and had to lock me in so I couldn’t run off again.

I was feeling a little hot so stripped everything off so I was just in my panties and bra. I did some provocative posing for him, even though I know he’s gay. We even had a photo shoot, so he had evidence of how fucked I was. I was feeling a little frisky so decided to take off my bra and panties and played with myself in front of my friend. After raging for 5 hours, I eventually passed out naked on his carpet at 6 am.

What an awesome night.
Best night EVER
Best of all I can’t remember a single thing from the night. Woo Hooo
My friends are such douche bags though. They tried to tell me how drunk I was and that I could have been taken home by some random guy/guys and raped/gang raped. I’m no intellectual so I took “some random could have taken you home, or better yet, the alley is just as good” as I have sex with guys in the alley. De-friended that dickhead and fought with everyone else.
Whatever. Line up those shots.

Need More: Crazy Politicians

Love the energy this guy brings, but would you really vote for him? And no, apparently he doesn't LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Clearly this guy has a passion for what he does, and I think that's awesome because it seems so few politicians today have that. But he might go a little overboard. Just a little. Maybe he falls under the "stupid politicians" Zombie Jesus wrote about.

What more can you even say about this video? This guy puts Howard Dean to shame.

To keep it short and sweet, I'll give a bulleted recap:

Nerdity! / Article of the Day

So here we are again, its 11am and I'm the only one who's posted on the blog since the end of last week.

Dustin's lost interest, Perm says he accomplished everything he wanted to by getting a compliment that we were funny (sup Picos), Evan won't post until later this week, and I'm not around Sac enough to piss him off. Edit: Thanks for posting Robby

Ergo today we're going to talk about moar science things.

Todays article has the headline "The Testicle Tree that Boosts Fertility."

I'm not making this up.... And they're talking about avocados you bums.

Nerdity!: Who's more badass?

So in an effort to encourage people to read more sciencey things I've stumbled upon today's article. Needless to say, I'm changing "Who would win" to ask you, my readers,

"Who's more badass?"

(Credit to the Dresden Codak Comics... because they're awesome)

For those of you who don't actually want to read the whole thing and make fun of me in the comments section it goes like this.

"When a wasp approached a swarm of ants on the tuna bait, the ants would begin charging at it, spitting acid and trying to bite the insect, which is 200 times larger. Often this was enough to make the poor wasp flee in a panic, but in rare bursts of bravery, it would occasionally grab a Napoleonic ant in its mandibles, fly backward a few centimeters with the insect twitching in its jaws, open its mandibles, and let gravity do its work."

Keep in mind here that in this test, the wasp was ~200x LARGER than the ants.

Cooperlogic behind the cut. Debate in the comments.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Inefficient Diner Go-ers

You may be asking yourself what the hell am I talking about. Well let me explain. Some of my readers may be familiar with Gold Star Diner in Worcester, MA. For those of you who aren't, its a small, hole-in-the-wall place that serves solid meals for low prices. Basically a home run for your average college student. So whats so bad about this place? Nothing, really, its just some of the people who go there. Today I went to this delicious treat with a group of four people. Now, the seating in this spot is mostly comprised of bar stool seats along the grill, 2 person booths, and a few booths for 4.

Need Less: People who roll up their sweatshirt sleeves

I'm baaaccckkkkk! Are people done writing about the same things as me? Is it safe to blog again? Alright I apologize and I'm done.

Now that we've cleared that up, let me enlighten you. We could definitely use less rolling up of the sweatshirt sleeves and/or sweatshirt sleeves that go above the elbow. (Disclaimer: this does not apply to a subtle sweatshirt pulling up of the sleeves. I'll allow that for a max of 3-5 inches above the wrist.)

What's the point of wearing a sweatshirt if you're going to roll the sleeves up? It's a garment designed to bring you warmth and you just exposed half of your arms. You'll get especially cold if you happen to shave your arms, which is just weird anyway. Who does that!

To examine this phenomenon, let's try to get inside the mind of a sweatshirt-roller-upper. It's a brisk day in the spring or possibly the fall. You have a general distrust of meteorologists, and aren't sure to wear short sleeves or long sleeves. God-for-fucking-bid if you're ever too cold or too hot Goldilocks.