high five: awesome things i want but have no need for

So everyone has probably heard the expression "money can't buy happiness". That depends on how much money you have; if you so poor that you can't pay your electric bill, then you can't experience the glory that is The Internet! You have to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like reading newspapers and magazines during the day. But if you have a few million extra dolla-dolla bills to throw around, you can find all kinds of happiness in the following items.

NOTE: this post will be significantly more interesting if you take 15 seconds to click the linked item name and take a quick look at what I'm talking about. You have been warned. If you don't click the links and don't like this post, you have no one to blame but yourself...

#5 - Caterham Superlight

This guy stole my goggle idea

Possibly the coolest thing on 4 wheels, the Caterham 7 is like a high-powered go-kart. That long nose is just one big engine, and you don't even need a trunk, roof, or even a full windshield. Almost all the weight of the car comes from its mechanical parts, meaning it has a power-to-weight ratio the surpasses a Lamborghini. Hence the hefty price (1 British pound = $1.59).

So, obviously I would get one of these little cars in lime green and speed around town wearing my old-school leather racing goggles and a cabbie hat. Like, straight out of the 1920's. Picture some rich douche bag stopped at a light in his entirely unoriginal Corvette. Then I roll up with a flapper girl in the passenger seat and start revving my little Caterham, the red light glinting off my racing goggles. This guy must be thinking, "Seriously? I'll show this bitch what American muscle is all about". The light turns green, and I'm Gone with the Wind (see what I did there?). Muah-ha-ha...



#4 - hyper-realistic wallpaper

I think I saw bigfoot in those woods...

This has to be the best way to decorate your house, ever. You could live in a bomb shelter and give yourself a New York City skyline view, without all the traffic noise and fear of nuclear fallout. Or if you live in the city, you can have your own slice of rural heaven plastered on an entire wall of your bedroom. On second thought, you probably don't want to groggily awake to a life-sized horse every morning; it may be a little unsettling.

The only caveat is that you probably shouldn't have one of these walls if you are into recreational drugs. For instance, imagine you are tripping on some hallucinogen and start to believe that you have shrunk because you stupidly put an image of a giant raspberry (an actual option on the website) on your kitchen wall. Of you walk into your wall because you think it's actually a path into the woods. You see what I mean? These things could be dangerous to your health is mixed with mind-altering substances.


#3 - leather beanbag chair

Looks like an old, deflated basketball

Nothing says "I'm classy and sophisticated" quite like leather. Nothing says "I'm ready to party" quite like a beanbag chair. So when you combine them, it's the perfect hybrid. It's like the furniture equivalent of a mullet, combining two things that send completely different messages. Okay, so maybe that analogy isn't a great argument for why someone should want this beanbag chair. Pretend I never compared it to a mullet.

But who would have an awesome leather children's chair in the middle of their living room? I'll tell you who: ballers and/or shot-callers. Apartment doesn't have air-conditioning in the summer? It becomes an oasis of cool, smooth cow skin. Constantly moving? Cover it in plastic and roll it out the door. It is the ultimate home furnishing because it simultaneous makes you seem mature and youthful. Once I get to a point in my career where I can afford one of these, I might just quit and lay around on it all day. But for $710, it better be made of liger skin and stuffed with a combination of Bob-o-Pedic memory foam and bald eagle feathers.


#2 - Inception machine

Just walking on walls and defying gravity. No big deal.

Want to score a Super Bowl-winning touchdown? Or meet the entire collection of Victoria's Secret models? Or bend buildings like Ellen Page? Well, with the NovaDreamer (I think Inception machine is a cooler name), you can experience lucid dreaming. What is lucid dreaming, you ask? It's basically a concept of realizing you are in a dream and taking control of it. So you can control some of what your brain is doing while it is creating a dream. You can apparently train yourself to do this, but it requires a great deal of dedication and effort. Hmm, can;t I just pay someone to do that hard stuff for me?

The answer is, Yes! Just buy the Inception machine (that website doesn't look shady at all. Oh, wait, this blogspot site is more sophisticated and refined). Instead of using Jedi training to use your brain while it sleeps, the machine detects when you are in REM sleep and makes a noise to alert you that you are dreaming without actually waking you up. Once you know you are dreaming, you can do whatever you want! And you have an excuse to use a totem! In my first lucid dream, I'm going to dream that I bought a NovaDreamer and use it to have another lucid dream. We have to go deeper...


#1 - Seabreacher X
A lot of people have waverunners; not a lot of people can dive underwater in those waverunners (without permanently sinking them). How amazing would it be to just cruise around the ocean underwater, scaring the shit out of unsuspecting fish. Yeah, that makes me sound like a little kid with emotional issues, but still. What kind of stuff could you find in that little submarine? Shipwrecks? Dead bodies?  An underwater civilization of amphibian-people that ruined Star Wars Episode 1? The possibilities seem endless.

The reality is that whatever water you are in will probably be too murky to see through, so you will crash. And the Seabreacher X is probably a bitch to get repaired. But if you can afford one in the first place, you can probably just buy a new one to replace it. And get a custom paint job to make it look like Free Willy. Plus, it has an iPod dock, so you can explore to your own soundtrack. You could listen to "Octopus' Garden" with some octopi, or see if real fish like Phish. Enough puns?

So now you know what to expect from me if I ever become wildly rich. And don't worry, you will all be invited to my house to have some awesome lucid dreams on my leather beanbag and to race my Caterham against my shark-submarine (I'll have to figure out some way to make that possible). I'll be such an awesome rich guy, I'll put that kid from Blank Check to shame. And he had a waterslide in his bedroom!

Hey, I dare you to read my last low five if you haven't already. You won't.