high five: countries better equipped to host the World Cup than Qatar

There were a lot of big sports news stories this past summer: the NFL locked out; the NFL locked back in; everyone fell in love with Mike Vick again; the NBA locked out and no one cared; the Bruins won the Stanley Cup (yep hockey playoffs in late June, love it); the Red Sox choked harder than a baby at the Lego Store. But in America, one big story garnered few headlines. Oh, did you not hear? FIFA is massively corrupt, so instead of playing the World Cup in a country that, you know, excels in the sport AND in accommodating human life, the voting panel decided to roll the dice and try something retarded. I mean, different. No wait, I meant retarded, my mistake.

The World Cup is going to be held in the desert. So, I hope everyone enjoys the next couple World Cups, because in 2022, it'll be the end of international soccer as we know it. All the players will die of heat exhaustion. The games will be endured in 112 degree heat and split into 3 periods in some misguided attempt to play an outdoor sport in a desert nation. Hell, some countries might not even show up, if the conflicts in the Middle East get worse. Maybe then, my beloved Faroe Islands can finally earn a spot in the finals.

#5 - South Africa, home of the Vuvuzela

We have no one to blame but ourselves

They already proved they could do it - the 2010 World Cup went pretty smoothly. Any time the biggest problem at the host country is the amount of noise the crowds make, I'd call it a success. Sure, the noise was really annoying, but that's just how the Africans roll, and we gotta respect their culture, right? I mean, the World Cup had never even been in Africa before, let them have some fun and blow on their horns. They have enough problems without everyone else in the world telling them how annoying they are. Plus, at least they have normal weather for soccer, relative to other parts of Africa.

And the vuvuzelas are probably our fault anyway. Africa is some kind of parallel universe of first world nations, like a haven for items that never should have existed. People are walking around proudly in their 19-0 Patriots shirts commemorating a Super Bowl they never won. This is our idea of chariy - here, have some shit no American in their right mind would ever use! That'll help with AIDS, hunger, and civil wars ravaging your continent, right? Does it sound like these people built and maintain a factory to make plastic horns? No, the vuvuzela was probably some attempt to unload useless 4th of July crap and feel good about helping in Darfur.

Back From the Dead: High Five Halloween Characters

Okay, here's the part 2 that I promised. Click here for part 1, in case you missed it. But now I'm ranking the best horror movie characters. And I'm defining 'best' as a character that I would genuinely be afraid of encountering in real life if they actually existed; plausibility gets no consideration. So without further ado...

#5 - Megan Fox in 'Jennifer's Body'

I think I could look past the whole
"I'm a demon trying to kill you" thing

Yep, it's an awful movie. There's no denying that fact. But if there actually was some demon-possessed girl that I went to school with or worked with, I'd be hard-pressed to stay away. Like, even if I saw her sprout fangs and dragon wings, I'd probably still ask her out. What can I say, I find goth girls kind of sexy. So even if I knew the risks, I'd probably be powerless to resist. The scariest part of the movie is probably the writing; it made me cringe more than any scene in the Saw franchise. I mean it's obvious the movie is built around Megan Fox being sexy and evil, but don't let the studio interns write the script.

The creepy thing is that demons could exist and actually possess people. Who says they can't? It's kind of like a religious thing, right? And no one has disproved God. Plus,  if a demon wanted to kill a lot of people, why wouldn't it take over a hot girl? People bend over backwards to help attractive girls, and line up to spend time with them (literally, that's what a line at a bar is for...). Basically, if I was a demon who wanted to cause misery to as many people as possible, I'd possess the most attractive girl I could find and just let people come to me. I'm on to you, demons. I got you allll figured out...

high CINCO: shout-out to latin america

Remember back in middle school when you had to make the pivotal decision to learn either Spanish or French? Well, I don't see anyone using any French holidays as an excuse to get drunk and smash piñatas. And don't even try to make an argument for Bastille Day; it's too close to the 4th of July, and French food is the worst.

So, today is Cinco de Mayo, and I couldn't resist adding a little latin flavor to the blog. I know this is primarily a Mexican thing, but I'm gonna go ahead and extend the theme to include Central and South America, because frankly I am finding it tough to think of five great things to come out of Mexico. So if you are planning on calling me out on the accuracy of my Cinco de Mayo observance, you should probably just stop reading now; I already have your pageview statistic, I don't care if you read past this sentence (although you should because it'll be worth it).

#5 - burritos

Beautiful, just beautiful. They don't call it the
Homewrecker for nothing...

The burrito is easily the best of the tortilla-meat-cheese combinations that make up 90% of Mexican food. It's all in the packaging; the foil and tortilla wrap is like a cocoon of deliciousness, filled with chicken, cheese, rice, and various vegetables. Tacos fall apart as soon as you try to eat them, especially the hard shelled variety. How do you eat a taco in public without looking like a Survivor contestant devouring something besides rice for the first time in 40 days? Plus, basically all of the food pyramid is covered by burrito ingredients, so it can't be that bad for you, right? RIGHT?

Now, when I want a burrito, I head for either Moe's or Chipotle; they are basically even in my book, though they have pretty different styles. Chipotle will scoop a reasonable amount of whatever you want in your burrito, and then add just a little bit more so that it won't fold right and disintegrate when you are close to finishing. Moe's has mastered the art of size, and they shout "Welcome to MOOOOOE'S" at you when you walk in. But the locations are annoyingly remote; unless I'm in Worcester, it's really inconvenient to find any nearby Moe's.

high five: apparently Oregon is awesome?

So my job search is coming along slowly, and some of the bigger companies aren't looking to hire new graduates in the Boston area. As such, I have been forced to picture myself living in other states (not Texas though. I refuse to go there). Well, I may have found the most underrated state in the US; it's like a hybrid of Great Britain, New England, and California. That's right, I'm talking about Oregon...

Now I'm not saying that Oregon is for everyone; it's cloudy, it's cities are very liberal, and takes a long time to drive to anywhere else. But as someone who has lived in (and enjoyed) New England for my whole life, constant weather is something I could get used to, even if it is rainy and cool. So here are five reasons that, in my opinion, Oregon is sneaky-awesome...

#5 - History

Nothing's worse on a hot June day than a case of dysentery.
Sorry Nicole, no diarrhea in the car. Start walking...

Everyone knows how to get to Oregon; take the Trail! That's right, I am using the popular computer game as a reason for living in the state of Oregon, and while it may not be a great reason, it seemed like a good way to start the list. Plus, if people decided to risk their own lives and the lives of their families to leave an established society on the East coast and head to this state, it must have been for a damn good reason. The trials and tribulations of these brave settlers (and the obnoxiousness of the natives - seriously, that's the going rate for a river crossing? I'll ford it) have been retold through the wonders of modern technology, and will guide me on my own quest.

It's pretty obvious at this point that if I ever have to move to Oregon, I am absolutely mapping out the trail and following it. My four companions and I will start the trip with 1 alternate set of clothing for all to share, no spare parts for the car, and a shitload of ammo. We'll set off at a grueling pace with meager rations (McDonald's dollar menu), and stop at all the check points in an attempt to trade some of our useless ammunition. And just like in the game, if you get a snake bite, deal with it; this wagon ain't stopping. Learn to be more vigilant in the tall grass. Those who survive the journey will join me in enjoying the next four benefits of our new life in Oregon.

high five: athletic animation

So early April is arguably the best time on the sports calendar, with NBA and NHL playoffs right around the corner, March Madness coming to an end, and baseball season opening day (note: October is also good, sometimes all 4 major sports play at the same time). So I want to do a sports-themed high five because I am in such a good mood; we are going to go through the five cartoon characters that are best-equipped to conquer the sports realm.

I'll start out with an honorable mention; Pikachu. What sport could this tiny electric creature possibly excel in? Jockeying. Pikachus weigh practically nothing, even less than those freakish humans that normally pursue careers in horse-racing. Plus, Pikachus can use some electric attack on the horse to give it an extra jolt of energy. Don't worry, horses are ground-based animals so the electric attacks aren't very effective. But why is this only an honorable mention, you ask? Because jockeys are the 1800's version of NASCAR drivers; they're just along for the horse-powered ride around an oval track. No one ever says, "Wow, did you see how he steered that horse around corner number 2?! It was incredible..."

#5 Sterling Archer

His archery skills are of a higher quality than this picture

I can't resist a good pun, so obviously the cartoon secret agent is going to have to be a competitive archer. It's just too fitting. He is great at darts, so he must have excellent vision and accuracy. He is trained in an array of weaponry, so I have to assume he has experience with a bow. He enjoys a lifestyle of alcohol and women, so archery won't require too much dedication to fitness. There's no way he is giving up expensive prostitutes and hard liquor, so at least he won't be expected to spend much time in the gym. In fact, I think practicing drunk could be beneficial.

So Sterling Archer would make a great archer. But why would he WANT to be an archer? This is a guy who excels at pretty much everything he does, from lacrosse to espionage and everything in between. Well, here's why; throughout the first two seasons of Archer, he consistently references the awesomeness of Burt Reynolds. What does Burt use to kill the toothless, deranged "squeal like a pig" backwater hicks in Deliverance? That's right, a bow. Would Sterling ever pass at the chance to follow in the glorious footsteps of one Burt Reynolds? I think not. Pencil him in for Olympic gold in 2012.

high five: Roald Dahl characters for president

Have you every thought about the mindset of a children's author? It must be really hard to write a story that a kid can understand, because kids are dumb and have no attention span. So obviously, whatever extra detail the author gives to his characters will probably go unnoticed until the loyal child audience grows up. It's like in cartoons, when you are old enough you start noticing the weird and funny stuff that went right over your head as a kid. Go watch Rocko's Modern Life now and you will understand what I'm talking about...

So now that I'm 23, I can look back at the most prominent characters of my favorite childhood author, Roald Dahl, and see what kind of people (or animals) they really are. Turns out, they are pretty well-suited to run against Donald Trump for the 2012 presidency. Now I'll step in as campaign manager and make a case for each...


#5 - James (and his giant peach)

James and his Chief of Staff review military strategy

Even as a child, James demonstrates incredible diplomatic and leadership skills. He manages to get a bunch of insects to not only refrain from eating each other, but from eating their flying piece of fruit. I mean, if a spider is starving to death, it will eat a ladybug and a cricket. But James just would not allow that. He got these bugs to put their natural survival instincts aside for the betterment of the group.

So just image James on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East. All he would need is an comically-oversized fruit to hold a meeting between Palestinians, Israelis, Kurds, Sunnis, and Shi'ites, and then just fly that vessel into the middle of nowhere. A variety of wacky obstacles will force these enemies to work together and learn from each other. And before you know it, a mutual respect will have formed between all groups and peace will spread throughout the region, bringing our gas prices back to Earth.

high five: awesome things i want but have no need for

So everyone has probably heard the expression "money can't buy happiness". That depends on how much money you have; if you so poor that you can't pay your electric bill, then you can't experience the glory that is The Internet! You have to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like reading newspapers and magazines during the day. But if you have a few million extra dolla-dolla bills to throw around, you can find all kinds of happiness in the following items.

NOTE: this post will be significantly more interesting if you take 15 seconds to click the linked item name and take a quick look at what I'm talking about. You have been warned. If you don't click the links and don't like this post, you have no one to blame but yourself...

#5 - Caterham Superlight

This guy stole my goggle idea

Possibly the coolest thing on 4 wheels, the Caterham 7 is like a high-powered go-kart. That long nose is just one big engine, and you don't even need a trunk, roof, or even a full windshield. Almost all the weight of the car comes from its mechanical parts, meaning it has a power-to-weight ratio the surpasses a Lamborghini. Hence the hefty price (1 British pound = $1.59).

So, obviously I would get one of these little cars in lime green and speed around town wearing my old-school leather racing goggles and a cabbie hat. Like, straight out of the 1920's. Picture some rich douche bag stopped at a light in his entirely unoriginal Corvette. Then I roll up with a flapper girl in the passenger seat and start revving my little Caterham, the red light glinting off my racing goggles. This guy must be thinking, "Seriously? I'll show this bitch what American muscle is all about". The light turns green, and I'm Gone with the Wind (see what I did there?). Muah-ha-ha...

low five: the most egotistical literary heroes

Lately I have been trying to do more leisure reading. It's not like engineering students have a lot of reading to do, unless you count referencing building codes. So I figured my free time would be best spent catching up on some classics. But what I have noticed is that a lot of characters are just portrayed as better than everyone else. In some cases, they have almost no faults. The only thing worse than this type of character is one who thinks they are better than everyone else, or that they have no faults.

So now that I have to endure the constant media coverage of people like Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, and Donald Trump, I can't help but see their most annoying qualities in some of the most notorious literary heroes. Like, I think about Jay Gatsby's awesome parties and great reputation, and I think "winning". But then I picture him as the sad, washed-up addict that is Charlie Sheen. Maybe if we can just reunite him with his Daisy Buchanon, he'll stop this ridiculous tour and close his twitter account.


#5 - Holden Caulfield

I won't try to imagine what
Holden looks like. That
would be phony...

This has got to be the whiniest, most self-centered kid ever to achieve a mass following. He is easily the most beloved hipster. The kid is always calling other people phony and sees himself as some kind of guardian of innocence. Instead of staying in school, getting help for his grades, and reaching out to make new friends, Holden writes the whole experience off as superficial and useless. Obviously, getting drunk and paying a hooker for conversation is a much more fulfilling experience. Basically, Holden is a dumb kid who has mastered the art of angst. By telling himself he is above everything that he fails miserably at, he can still feel superior in some way.

And the ultimate mark of a self-centered egomaniac is inviting your ex-girlfriend to a musical and then asking her to move away with you. That was your play, Holden? Yeah, I can't believe it didn't work. Must be one crazy bitch to not want to spend her life in the collapsing black hole of melancholy and drear that is your life. She couldn't understand, she is too phony. Definitely not good enough for you, Holden. But I guess he should be surprised by her reaction; people are just incapable of interacting with Holden without being attracted to him. I mean, that former teacher who let Holden stay with him for a night was CLEARLY making a sexual advance. That head-patting definitely wasn't some gesture of concern or pity for a delusional youth who lost his way...

high five: most popular musical acts of the animal kingdom

A few days ago, fellow blog contributor Zombie Jesus and I watched a solid 3 hours of Planet Earth. It is hands down the most mesmerizing show on TV, and I can only image it is better in HD. Susan Sarandon's voice is even better for narration than Morgan Freeman's. There, I said it. Someone had to...

But the best part of the show is the ridiculous animals they film. My favorite had to be the "Pine Martens" (I think that was their name. Don't quote me on it though). They are basically thieving, immoral squirrels. But all these animals got me thinking, what if they had the ability to make music? What animals would be burning up the Billboard charts? One thing is for sure, there would definitely be an auto-tuned song about Pine Martens climbing in yo' nests, snatchin' yo' creatures up. So ya'll need to hide yo' eggs, hide yo' chicks, and read these high fives, cuz I'm rankin' everybody out there.

#5 - Li'l Deer

Li'l Muntjac serving time on weapons
charges. Everyone wants a piece of the
famous guy...

So one animal I saw was the world's smallest species of deer, and it stands a whopping 18 inches tall and an weighs in at approximately 20 pounds. I have a hard enough time understanding how regular deer have avoided extinction all these years, since all they do is eat grass and get preyed on by carnivores. So how the hell is this tiny deer, called a miniature muntjac, not go extinct instantly? It must have some serious respect in the animal kingdom and the smarts to somehow live alongside predators that would eat it like a White Castle burger.


So let's look at what we know about this crazy little animal. It's really small, it's a survivor, it probably always feels disrespected, and it's smarter than you would expect. This deer is straight gangsta. I'm gonna say this is the closest fauna get to Li'l Wayne, who is only 5'6", shot and nearly killed himself at the age of 13, raps about his peers hating on him, and actually was an honors student in school. So it's settled, animals must be lining up to collaborate with Li'l Muntjac.

high five: you don't have to be irish to be drunk right now

If you are looking at this post, I assume you are sober enough to work your computer and can focus on reading something. So to that I say, shame on you. It is St. Patrick's day, the most socially-acceptable day to mimic the life choices on a chronic alcoholic! Isn't that what we all strive for in life?

So if you are having trouble getting started on your drunken festivities, allow me to help. These are my five favorite types of alcohol, listed in descending order of how much you will remember tomorrow morning. And I refuse to acknowledge wine because it sucks. This is a blog for gentlemen, and no gentleman would be caught on St. Patty's day with a box of franzia.


#5 - Miller High Life

Pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it is the champagne of beers. It's definitely the most versatile beer because you can use it for games, you can drink it while watching sports, and if you spill a whole bottle, you don't feel bad about it. And while it only conatins about 5% alcohol by volume, you can buy them in 30s and drink 'em all night.

Before you know it, it's morning and you just chanted "U-S-A, U-S-A" at a Puerto Rican student throughout the entire movie Miracle and went sledding on a plastic folding table. And you should probably get that huge bump on your head looked at, you really might have a concussion. These seem like really specific results of a morning after High Life, huh? Yeah, college is great.

high five: who the hell discovered this great food?

Now that it is Lent, I have to brush up on the few dietary laws of the Catholic church. They make zero sense and, as I was discussing with a friend, are clearly the end result of Jesus' efforts to stir up business for his fishing industry. I mean, how is fish not a meat? It is the flesh of an animal that we consume for protein. But because it lives in water, we can eat it on the Fridays leading up to Easter? Whatever, at least we don't have to learn all that kosher business. All these rules got me thinking about food, and the most delicious things that probably shouldn't have been discovered as edible.


#5 - Potatoes

"Guys, look what I found. Should we
try to eat it?"

Gotta love the Peruvian natives who decided to pull these brown lumps of dinosaur shit out of the ground and figure out a way to eat them. Raw potatoes are pretty terrible, and can contain toxins that give you diarrhea and cramps, or even a coma and death. But the most off-putting part is that they are basically Mother Nature's blackheads; no one wants them, they grow beneath the surface, and they're ugly. I don't trust things that grow under earth's surface. If it was meant to be eaten we would be able to see it.

Vegetables need to take a lesson from fruits. Fruits are brightly colored and sweet and grow in plain sight; vegetables are bitter and ugly and hard to see. And in the case of the potato, you can't just pull it out of the ground and bite into it (unless you like the horrid taste of raw potato). But once you crack the potato code and learn how to make french fries, it's game over. Suddenly, potatoes are a staple of the American diet. They are a symbol of freedom and capitalism. And if the drunken Irish farmers hadn't completely focused their food supply around the potato (instead of, oh I don't know, fish? Ireland, you are an island!) and been forced to move to America during the blight, we wouldn't have the Celtics, the Dopkick Murphys, or Conan O'Brien. All thanks to someone trying to eat a potato.

high five: hip hop for people who probably don't like hip hop

I originally wanted to do this post for black history month, as it is a perfect metaphor for black and white cultures working in perfect harmony (get it? music pun). But then I Brett Favre'd back and forth on whether I really wanted to do it. Eventually, I decided to bring this idea out of retirement and introduce you to five mashups that manage to blend two completely different genres of music and probably have no business sounding so good. So whether you like hip hop, country, alternative, or 90's soft rock, get ready to get your mind blown probably like the original songs more.

#5 Brenton Duvall - Mean Planes and Taylor Gangs
Taylor Swift, champion of country-pop. Wiz Khalifa, king of weed-induced mixtapes. Match made in heaven, right? Luckily, they didn't need to get into the studio together and collaborate; Brenton Duvall did that for them.

If you're a big fan of the Taylor Swift song "Mean", you will probably end up annoyed by this song because it only samples the first 2 verses of that song and uses them as the chorus. The rest of the song is basically "This Plane", by Khalifa. But it's dangerously catchy, and had me humming the T-Swift part for the last week. And everything Khalifa raps that would be censored on the radio gets played over Swift's innocent voice. It's so wrong. So wrong and yet so right...

high five: how to maximize your life on the streets

My life as a poor, starving student can only go on for so long. Soon I will just be poor and starving and out of excuses. As such, I am planning ahead so that I can live the most fulfilling life possible as a homeless person. I refuse to be found dead in Boston Common with a sign frozen in my hand that says "will engineer homes and bridges for food". So step number one in my quest for poverty paradise is to escape the northeast. But where should I go?

#5 - Wherever the Peace Corps sends me

"Back home, I used my powerful words
to enchant my internet readers. What's
the internet, you ask? Well..."

I like the idea of traveling to exotic places and being worshipped as a god because I can speak english and do math. Obviously, when I say "wherever the Corps sends me", I mean "any of their tropical, warm locations that aren't plagued by disease or war". I have to be a little picky, since I am going to be contributing my vast knowledge and skills to some helpless mass of people posing as a society. These services aren't free, you know. If I was willing to work pro bono for the betterment of society in a cold climate, I would just stay in New England and do nothing.

Honestly, this is starting to sound like a really good option. I could use a little culture in my life. One time, when I was stranded in an airport hotel at Charles de Gaulle (which is hands down the worst airport in the world. I'm pretty sure M.C. Escher is listed as the architect of record) I met a young guy who was on his way back from a Peace Corps stint in Africa. And you all know how I feel about that continent. But he actually sounded like he really enjoyed it, so maybe I should give this thing a chance.

high five: oscar special

I need to figure out how to get on the Academy so my voice can be heard. I have a pretty sound method for casting my vote, and all my reviews have been pretty impartial. For the low five Oscar special, click here. Number 1 on this list is my pick for the Best Picture.

#5 - Black Swan

I wish I was the
choreographer on set...

Okay, I was interested in this movie. And not just because we get to see Macaulay Culkin’s ex go down on Nat Portman (who, by the way, I would marry the shit out of). The whole mood of this movie is dark and tense, and I don’t even give a shit about ballet. Like, for some reason I cringed every time Nat clipped herself with the nail scissors or pulled a feather out of her back. Oh yea, that reminds me, feathers come out of her.

The symbolism isn’t very subtle. But it’s clearly supposed to indicate how mentally fucked up ballet can make you. Probably from all that vomiting they do in order to look like 12-year-old boys. Hey, you know what? This role was tailor-made to rub that breakup in Macaulay’s face!

high five: conquering the job market, old world style!

My academic career is coming to a close in just a few months, so I've been writing a lot of cover letters and obsessing over my resume. And for some reason, it's made me wonder which Old World explorer would have the easiest time finding a job today. You gotta think "discovering a continent" pops off the page more than "proficient in Microsoft Word". These guys just sailed ships into the complete unknown, hoping to find spices. There must have been something lost in translation throughout history, because I won't walk to the kitchen for salt. Anyway, let's get into it.

#5 - Henry Hudson

"Target appreciates all your hard
 work. I really hate having to
deny your request for vacation"

Let me paint you a picture. You are camping on the coast of James Bay in Canada, which we have already identified as Cold America. Your ship is trapped in ice. It is December. There are several feet of snow on your makeshift tent. You ask yourself, Why am I here? Oh right, to map the northwest passage with this delusional prick Henry Hudson. Guess what? There is no northwest passage!

Somehow, Hudson was able to convince his crew that there was a very good reason for being stranded in northern Canada for a winter. It's a miracle he was able to stave off mutiny until the following summer. And you know who could use a guy that knows how to lie to a team of young, hardworking idealists? Target!
Ideal Career: Retail Management

high five: muppets you can count on

Okay, my new years resolution was to be less of a negative asshole. So I decided that I need to balance out every "low five" list with a "high five" list. Today's topic is the best muppet wingmen. Does anyone know of any good bars on Sesame Street?


#5 - Oscar the Grouch

Anyone who has ever seen a teen movie could tell you that the asshole is always the ladies man, so I can only assume Oscar is the stud of Sesame Street. He can tell them to lose 10 lbs or try more makeup, and they’ll just keep coming back for more. I bet that when Katy Perry came to Sesame Street, he asked if she was still using her Pro-active.

The fact that he lives in a trashcan is a good insurance policy that he won’t try to take your girl home. The only downside is having to work your game amidst the putrid cloud of stink that seeps from Oscar’s pores because, like I said, dude lives in a trashcan.