low five: historically bad parenting

Blogging back-to-back days? Who do I think I am, Cooper? Anyway, my mom runs a daycare out of our house. It is probably in the top 5 most annoying things in my life, since whenever I am home I am awoken to the sounds of screaming babies and tiny stomping feet. But once in a while, I venture upstairs to the baby corral and see what all the fuss is about.

Yesterday was one of those days, and out of sheer pity I decided to help my mom out and play with the kids. For some reason, there is this weird age gap where kids like me. It must be because they don't yet understand sarcasm so they take everything I say as a positive. For instance, "Wow, great job, you almost kicked that ball," actually sounds encouraging to them. It makes me think I should never have kids. Plus, I have so much bad karma built up that any of my offspring will have tails and flippers and other such deformities. But I wouldn't be the worst parent in the world; there are at least 10 others ahead of me.

#5 Leticia Jean and Billy Ray Cyrus

Does anyone else find this creepy?

If we have learned anything from Miley Cyrus, it's that redneck parents and hollywood stardom do not mix. Just take a look at Miley's Wikipedia page; the longest section is subtitled "Controversies". I guess I'll just pick a few from the extensive list to illustrate how little the Cyrus' care about their daughter's actions, and how they are basically using her to maintain their pseudo-celebrity status.

How is it okay to have your 15-year-old daughter pose in nothing but a sheet for the cover of Vanity Fair. Then, a year later, defend her lapdance on a 46-year-old producer as something kids will do. I guess that's just how kids roll down in Tennessee? And here I thought they were just simple, frog-loving folks (see #2). The best part of the whole parenting situation occurred just a few months ago. After video of Miley smoking salvia (what, California was all out of weed?), her dad TWEETED to half a million followers "Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I'm so sad. There is much beyond my control right now". Billy Ray Cyrus, publicly parenting 140 characters at a time.




#4 Amy Chua and Jeb Rubenfeld

This is actually the second image for
a Google search of "Amy Chua robots"

Who are these people, you ask? Well, one is a crazy Chinese lawyer who proudly wrote a book about destroying her children's happiness. The other is a timid Jew who allowed it to happen. Based on the names, I assume you can match the names to the descriptions. Chua penned the memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which has been both criticized and celebrated for it's take on parenting. I haven't read the book yet, but let me give you a rundown of her methods and you can try to convince me that it's the best way to raise a kid.

So here are just a FEW of the things the two oppressed Chua girls cannot do: have a sleepover, have a playdate, watch TV, play on the computer, be in a school play, receive a grade less than an A, not be the #1 student in all classes (except gym and drama), and not play the violin or piano. Holy shit, she is like a cross between Mao Zedong and "The Trunchbull" in Matilda. She is basically attempting to raise Asian robot children with no sense of creativity or self-expression. Well sorry to break the news, but Honda has already done that. Apparently this is the traditional Chinese upbringing (so Chinese music consists only of violins and pianos?), but how are these kids expected to think for themselves in the real world when they were never allowed to throughout their school years? What if they secretly have great acting or gymnastics skills? Jeb, you have got to man up and let your kids do something fun before they end up jumping off the roof of an MIT building because they got a B in Astrophysics and String Theory.


#3 Gloria James and Anthony McClelland

Gloria has great timing for revealing her new relationship...

Spawning arguably the world's greatest basketball player of his time will only get you so far on my list. In the nature versus nurture argument, I think nature won this round; Lebron James has the physique to dominate any sport he wanted (unless you count a jockey as an athlete. Picture Lebron on a horse, it's pretty funny). Some background; his mom was only 16 when Lebron was born and his dad was an ex-convict who was never in the picture.

Don't you wish MTV could go back in time and document Gloria's trials and tribulations as a teen mom in Akron? I would love to know if she managed to not go on dates every night, whine about how hard it is to get a G.E.D (seriously, I think most middle schoolers could pass that test. No excuses, Amber), or beat the shit out of her lazy boyfriend. Okay, now Flash forward to May 2010. Lebron is choking in what would be his final games as a Cleveland Cavalier. Why, you ask? Because his mom is busy having sexual relations with one of her son's teammates. Who definitely has herpes all over his face. Hey Lebron, that was for robbing your mom of her high school years. That almost makes the absent dad look good.


#2 Kit Culkin and Patricia Brentrup

I can't actually confirm that this is Kit Culkin. Maybe just
some other guy who tried to molest Macaulay?

That's right, parents of one Macaulay Culkin. You know, that kid who used to hang out at Michael Jackson's house. His parents actually allowed Culkin to sleep over at Neverland Ranch and go on vacations to Bermuda and Disney Land with Jackson. At the accused pop singer's trial, Culkin testified that during his childhood sleepovers, he actually shared a bed with Jackson, but that the charges were ludicrous. Seriously, you don't see anything wrong with sharing a bed with a guy who modeled his whole houes after an amusement park? I mean, Jackson took the whole "get in my van, I have candy" thing to a whole new level.

As if the whole Michael Jackson fiasco wasn't a big enough indictment of the Culkins' parenting skills, Macaulay is best know for portraying a kid with shitty parents. Wow, I wonder how he prepared for that role? His next most famous role was in Uncle Buck, opposite John Candy as a man who has no business raising or babysitting children. I mean, I guess you could say he owes his success to his parents' poor decision making. They even sent him to a Ballet School at the age of 5. It's a miracle this guy was ever even engaged to a human woman, much less the longtime boyfriend of Mila Kunis.


# Tsar Nicholas II of Russia and Alexandra Feodorovna

Supposedly, the Romanovs were expecting a family photo
when they were assassinated. Apparently, neither is a
particularly happy event...

This Russian royal family put on such an epic display of poor parenting that it actually brought down an entire political regime. While Nicholas and Alexandra weren't actually related, they are going to take the fall for generations of royal inbreeding (to protect that precious bloodline) that led to vulnerability to all sorts of weird genetic mutations and diseases. Case in point, Alexei Nikolaevich, the royal hemophiliac and patient of Grigori Rasputin. That's right, this creepy guy who was accused of raping a nun. He definitely looks like a legitimate doctor...

So, Nicholas, you married a female carrier of a recessive blood mutation allele. Thanks to your excellent foresight (she had an uncle and 2 cousins with the disease), your only male heir could be assassinated by a sheet of paper. But then you hire this random guy from the Siberian tundra to care for your son, and he ends up convincing you to take control of the army, which you really should've just left to the experts. While you were busy accidentally declaring war on your bordering countries, Rasputin was brainwashing your wife and basically running your whole regime. So it's not a huge surprise that there were multiple revolutions and you and your family ended up being murdered in a basement. Really, your only good parenting moment was appearing in an animated Disney film that probably kept other parents' children quiet for a couple hours. That's your high mark. Pathetic.


So for all of you parents out there reading, just avoid the behavior described above and you should be fine. If you didn't already know, I posted this low five just yesterday! Give it a read...