low five: you say protagonist, i say eco-villain

Having just completed a sustainability course, ideas of water reuse and CO2 reduction have been infiltrating all parts of my subconscious. For example, I can't even enjoy TV or movies anymore without noticing how even the heroes don't honor and respect our Mother Earth as they should. It's downright reprehensible! Here are the five worst offenders, with #1 winning the Golden Sick-and-Dying Globe for biggest ecological footprint.

#5 - Bo Hess (Signs) 

You'd think a farm girl would
understand the value of water.

I am disgusted by the glorification of water waste in this movie. Somebody needs to tell this little girl that water is one of our most precious natural resources, and saving your family from hostile aliens is no excuse to pour a new glass before you finished the first one. And you mean to tell me that during an extraterrestrial invasion, you can’t find a single tool to decapitate the alien anywhere on your FARM? That’s, like, the best place to be. Surrounded by sickles and pitchforks. But hey, keep smashing those glasses of water with your baseball bat Merrill. Maybe it would be easier to rig up a Rube Goldberg contraption to squirt them with an eye-dropper?

“Everything happens for a reason”. You know what could’ve happened for a reason? The next rainfall putting an end to the entire alien invasion, assuming the water vapor in the atmosphere didn’t kill them first. If you take care of Earth, she will take care of you. So Bo, finish your goddamn drink before you get another one!

#4 - James Bond 

Can't Q invent an emissions-free Aston?

It must be part of Bond’s contract with MI-5 that he never drive a car that gets more than 7 miles per gallon. It’s not even like he uses all that horsepower to chase down villains. In fact, the completely conspicuous car usually puts a giant target on this so-called “secret” agent. If you don’t want to get caught by Goldfinger,  Scaramanga or SPECTRE, try a Prius.

But with James Bond, the cars are just the tip of the iceberg. Did you know that air travel has one of the greatest impacts on an individual’s carbon footprint? With satellite imagery and the internet, is it really necessary to fly down to these villains’ homes and watch them? Hey James, go green and work from home once in a while.

By the way, on one of Bond’s very first missions, he destroyed Dr. No’s guano factory. Sure, it was a cover for an elaborate underground Russian facility. But guano is a natural and renewable alternative to most fertilizer and gunpowder.

#3 - Rachel Green (Friends)  

It's a stupid haircut anyway

She started a hair revolution with “The Rachel” that inspired millions of women to spray all kinds of chemicals into the atmosphere in the name of fashion. You want to know what makes your hair stay just put just like Jennifer Aniston’s? Hydroflourocarbons. And they are up to 11,000 times more potent than carbon dioxide in terms of Global Warming effects.

So congratulations, Rachel, when the polar bears start floating down to Cape Cod on their rapidly melting icebergs, you’ll be the one with ozone on your hands. I just want you to ask yourself, what did that stupid hairstyle ever do for you, anyway? Sure, you found love with that neurotic guy who kind of looks like a possum. But at what cost?

#2 - Dom Toretto (Fast and Furious)

Doin' what he does best; burning stuff

Fast cars are always less fuel-efficient, and driving them like an asshole only makes the mileage worse. Toretto represents how most Americans feel about cars in this country; let someone else drive the hybrids, my one car won’t make a difference. It's that exact mindset that (and the absurdly high costs) that prevent the large-scale adoption of hybrid and electric cars.

When Dom isn’t wasting gas by driving fast, or blowing stuff up, he is driving fast while attempting to steal fuel tankers and instead blowing them up. It’s like he’s some kind of innovator of wastefulness. Just when you think he has found every way to exhaust the Earth’s oil supply, he makes some new groundbreaking discovery in the field of anti-sustainability. Stay tuned for Fast 5, when Dom recklessly crashes his performance-tuned amphibious vehicle into an offshore oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. I heard it was filmed during summer 2010.

#1 - Optimus Prime (Transformers) 

"Anyone mind if I just lay waste to
this beautiful forest?"

Literally every time we see Optimus Prime, he is destroying something. Hey, Optimus, how do you think that’s gonna get fixed? We don’t have a magical cube that can power all the world’s construction vehicles. We USED to, and you could’ve told us how to make the most of it. But instead, you used it to settle a personal vendetta by shoving it into the chest or your sworn enemy and dumping his body into the ocean.

And just when we think your reign of ecological terror is over, Megatron returns and you do battle in forests, cities, and even end up smashing a pyramid. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason Egypt has been in total chaos lately. So thanks, Prime, for destroying the world’s solution to our energy crisis, along with everything else you come in contact with. I thought you were trying to protect the human race...


It was a tight race, and it's a dishonor just to be nominated, but Prime just brought environmental irresponsibility to a level never before seen on Earth. Maybe when we finally run out of oil, his engine-heart with seize and he will finally die.

Click here for the high five oscar special, and here for the low five oscar special.