In today's "Who got funding to do this study"..... Is Headbanging Dangerous?

So if you were to take a snapshot of my typical 7-4pm workday, you would assume that my day basically consists of science and music. Shocker. And to poorly quote one of my other articles "why not combine them?" After all, there's got to be somebody who is willing to pay me to do science on music... right?Well apparently somebody already beat me to it. Either this is the fakest study ever, or quite possibly the funniest. It even sounds like I wrote the title...

"Head and neck injury risks in heavy metal: head bangers stuck between rock and a hard bass"

I'm going to break it down (LOL OBVIOUS PUN LOL), but you're going to have to click the "read more" button so I can feel good about myself when I look at the pageviews. (Editor's note: this is actually kind of long, for once) (also caution: light profanity)

So, for those people who aren't me and don't go to metal shows, whomever did this study is trying to see if doing this.....

...causes you health problems.

Go ahead. Spend 30 seconds doing that. Ill be here.

Jeopardy music: Not headbangable

Neck hurt? Yep. Study over.

So, I'm guessing that they (the scientists) needed to use up the rest of their time and money on SOMETHING. So they wrote this paper. Which, somehow, made it into a scientific journal.

Objective: To investigate the risks of mild traumatic brain injury and neck injury associated with head banging, a popular dance form accompanying heavy metal music.

Dance form? Really? Dance?

Conclusion: To minimise the risk of head and neck injury, head bangers should decrease their range of head and neck motion, head bang to slower tempo songs by replacing heavy metal with adult oriented rock, only head bang to every second beat, or use personal protective equipment.

My god I've been doing it wrong all along! Gimme some Kenny G and a neck brace and stay the hell out of my way.

Young people at heavy metal concerts often report being dazed and confused, possible symptoms of mild traumatic brain injury...

Or drugs and alcohol, but that might just be me

...The second highest selling album of all time is AC/DC’s Back in Black, which has sold about 42 million copies worldwide. Two slightly more recent albums, Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet and Guns N’ Roses’ Appetite for Destruction, have each sold about 28 million copies...

Yes, because those are VERY RECENT albums

Though exposure to head banging is enormous, opportunities are present to control this risk—for example, encouraging bands such as AC/DC to play songs like “Moon River” as a substitute for “Highway to Hell”; public awareness campaigns with influential and youth focused musicians, such as Sir Cliff Richard; labelling of music packaging with anti-head banging warnings, like the strategies used with cigarettes; training; and personal protective equipment.

I.... I... what.... how... ACDC.... public awareness... ANTI HEAD BANGING PSA's LIKE CIGARETTES?!?! They're kidding. They have to be.

...The head banging story begins in 1968 when Led Zeppelin was playing a set at the Boston Tea Party on their first US tour. The front rows of the audience were banging their heads on the stage in time to the music and the term “head banger” was born..... It has etched its mark in popular culture with the likes of Beavis and Butt-head banging their heads instead of reviewing video clips for songs, with the first of these being “I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones. Head banging was popularised in the movie Wayne’s World when Wayne, Garth, and friends started head banging to Queen’s epic ballad “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Thanks for that unnecessary history lesson. And even if it isn't true, good to hear this whole thing might have started due to A) Zeppelin and B) in Boston. Also I just imagined a bunch of guys dressed as indians headbanging. Yes, that was a Boston tea Party Reference.

There are many different styles of head banging such as the up-down, the circular swing, the full body, or the side-to-side. It is thought that head banging to loud music, while making you more “metal,” has associated risks other than acquired hearing loss.

In fact, I'm so metal I'm doing the "full body" as I'm typing this. FULL BODY METAL MARIO.

Seriously, fuck that guy on Very Hard

....We attended several hard rock and heavy metal concerts to find the most common style of head banging executed by audience members. The bands performing at these concerts included Motörhead, Mötley Crüe, Skid Row, The Hell City Glamours, L.A. Guns, Ozzy Osbourne, Winger, Ratt, Whitesnake, and W.A.S.P. ....

First of all.... these guys probably got PAID to go to these concerts. And Secondly, it must have been enough for them to buy a time machine so they could go back to 1975 when these bands were relevant.

.....Therefore we constructed a theoretical head banging model with the basic assumption that the angular displacement of the head during head oscillation in pitch follows a sinusoidal motion in the sagittal plane with the T1-C7 joint acting as the axis of rotation.....

As Sac would say "BLAH BLAH BLARGH SCIENCE TALK." While it's undeniably cool these guys are doing actual physiological modeling and (later on) physics. This is getting kind of ridiculous.

.....We randomly selected three songs (“I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie, and “Babe” by Styx) from on-line lists of easy listening and adult oriented rock as musical controls.....

So to recap, their CONTROL (definition: baseline standard) IS FUCKING WHITEY HOUSTON. Somehow I don't remember picking up on her metal phase.

...We can also use the theoretical model to estimate the injury levels to two of the greatest head bangers, Beavis and Butt-head....

Again. Cool. but just stop it. Please. You're just coming off stupid

....Possible interventions to reduce the risk of injury caused by head banging include limiting the range of neck motion through a formal training programme delivered before a concert; substitution of adult oriented rock and easy listening music such as the controls, or others including Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Enya, and Richard Clayderman, for heavy metal; and personal protective equipment such as neck braces to limit range of motion.....

This week on A&E's intervention... the man who his addicted to head banging. His family just wants him back, but he just wants to mosh. Also yes, they did just say to subsitute Enya and Michael Bolton for metal music. I'm not even going to say anything.

.....Future research will involve neuropsychological testing of concert goers to validate the modelling presented in this paper, and randomised controlled trials of musical substitutes.....

FUTURE RESEARCH? Somebody find out who did this study. Fuck Tufts, I'm going there for grad school.