low five: most unfortunate bible characters

Back from the dead! On Easter (okay fine, technically the day after)! Did I really just compare my return to the blog with the resurrection of Jesus? No, just simply pointing out the similarities... But anyway, I've been gone for far too long, busy trying to get my shit together. And you know where my shit is? Still scattered far and wide. So since I apparently can't get anything done even when I shun my creative outlets, I might as well come back!

So, Easter. All you non-Christians need not worry, it's not that cool of a holiday. Once you are too old for egg hunts, it's no different from any other day, except for either the seemingly endless Easter mass or the guilt of not going to the seemingly endless Easter mass. It's probably the holiest day on the Christian calendar, but it's just not as cool without the illusion of a giant rabbit that delivers eggs full of candy. Seriously, where did that one come from? But anyway, since it's such an important day to Christians, let's consider the most undesirable situations in the Bible so we can feel better about ourselves.


#5 Jonah

Hmm, in this version of the story Jonah gets stuck in baleen?

I'm pretty sure that when you get swallowed by a whale, you die. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I can't see how anyone would live. My best guess is suffocation or drowning, but who knows, maybe the whale's stomach acid would digest you alive first. But the worst part is, Jonah got swallowed because he refused to go warn an evil city full of his enemies that God would be destroying them all soon. When he finally obliged (a whale's stomach is a good place to think over God's proposition), he is obviously pissed because everyone in the city repented and was saved. He stops to rest, and God gives him a vine for shade, but then sends a worm to kill the vine. So Jonah's enemies get off easy, but Jonah can't catch a break.

I think it is important to note that, in my "extensive" research into this story, I read that some scholars believe that Jonah's hair, skin, and clothing were bleached to a ghostly white by the whale's digestive juices. Seriously, scholars? So that's all that would happen from spending 72 hours inside a whale? It just seems like if you are reading this story and taking everything literally, you probably aren't thinking a lot about the logistics of being inside a whale's stomach.


#4 Job

After the death of his kids, those skin sores just
seem over the top.

Name something shitty that could happen in life, and it probably happened to Job. And God did it, all for a bet with Satan. And He did it in the same way a bored and annoying girlfriend would ask if you will go shoe shopping with her, even though she has no need for going shoe shopping and the Celtics game is on, just because she wants to test you. Like, no matter what misery you have to endure, you have to trust in the relationship. Job did nothing to deserve what happens to him. It's just a little test, you know? To see if Job is really as cool as he seems...

The only thing is, Old Testament God was pretty hardcore. It's not like Job just had to go on some long, unpleasant journey that he could eventually return from and carry on with his normal life. No, God permanently destroys his home, his flock, and his children, and gives Job a rash of disgusting sores. Tough to undo that one. And what is Job's great reward for his unwavering faith? A new house that's twice as big, and new children. But what if he preferred the old ones? And how does this whole experience strengthen his relationship with God, who apparently used Job to win a bet?


#3 Isaac (son of Abraham)

"What's that? Change in plans? So, Isaac, someday we will
look back at this moment and laugh..."

I'm gonna be honest, I don't know a lot of the details of this story. But basically, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham just starts planning the details. God chooses the top of some mountain as the location of this sacrifice, which must also be burnt. Guess which lucky guy gets to carry all the wood for a fire up to the top of the mountain. Yup, Isaac. Abraham let's Isaac do all the heavy lifting in preparing his own sacrificial alter. You would think that Abraham would try to make his son's final hours a little less miserable, right? Nope, just gonna be unusually cruel instead.

Well, it turns out that this was just another one of God's tests. Seriously, these head games are not cool at all; I'm glad God chills out by the time the New Testament rolls around. But across the Old Testament, God leaves a trail of destroyed relationships and emotional trauma. How is Isaac supposed to look at his dad the same way when he knows that Abraham didn't think twice about killing him? And God really likes to send mixed messages; one minute He is saying "Thou shall not kill", and then next he is asking for human sacrifices? Talk about confusing...



#2 Joseph

"See, look at all the cool stuff your human dad can do! So
I can't make it rain frogs - but check out this great stool"

Raising Messiahs is a thankless job; Joseph got all the responsibility to make sure Jesus grew into a normal, well-adjusted young man, and yet he was always overshadowed by the Father who couldn't be there. Sure, God taught Jesus to walk on water and turn water to wine, but who taught Jesus to throw a curveball, or ride a camel? A lot of obnoxious little kids today act out because they think they re God's gift to the world, and their mommies tell them how special they are. Well, what should you expect from someone who literally is God's gift, and when his mother tells him how special he is, it's pretty obviously true?

The worst part is, for all the hard work Joseph put in as a dad to the Messiah, God never even hooked him up with a sweet situation. Like, out of everyone in the world, God chooses your wife to carry His son and raises the bar impossibly high for any kids you may have in the future. You would think that at the least God would give you some gift as recompense, like a castle or awesome strength. I mean, at the very least you would expect a vacancy to open up in Bethlehem when Mary is having contractions. But no, Joseph just goes through life as an ordinary carpenter whose wife is the most notorious virgin in the world.


#1 Tie: Noah, and almost every animal that lived with Noah

Trapped on a boat with hundreds of carnivorous animals...
It's like the Life of Pi but 1000x worse

Sorry animals, you all have to die. God is just pressing the reset button on everything, so have fun with that massive flood. Oh, by the way, one male and one female of each species will be saved in order to carry on the species. But don't worry, no favorites, it's first come first serve on Noah's ark. So I've always wondered, if God is going to go to the trouble of sending Noah all these messages to build a massive boat and then make it rain enough to flood the world, why wouldn't he just re-create all the animals like He did before the flood? Or why wouldn't He just have them all be swallowed by whales, since apparently that's a completely legitimate place to stay alive in the ocean? Nope, animals that weren't even blessed with free will and couldn't sin end up getting killed off. Sucks for them.

And was it really that important that Noah build that ark? Seems like a lot of work for one man to do by himself. But how do you contract out that work without mentioning, "Yeah, I need it so I can survive this massive flood that'll kill everyone. But sorry, no room for you, just me and a billion animals". Talk about awkward... So basically Noah was the lucky guy who got to dedicate his life to one massive construction project, round up a shitload of wild and (in some cases) vicious animals, and then watch everything and everyone he knew get washed away in a flood. Plus, with all those animals on that boat, I can't imagine how bad it must have smelled and how loud it must have been. Sorry Noah, you drew the short straw in Bible stories.


Okay, so now that I have called God out for his Old Testament behavior, mocked Bible stories for a laugh, and possibly compared myself to Jesus, I'm going to go repent and hope that Hell isn't as bad as it's made out to be. In the mean time, read my last high five; I wrote it more than a week ago so maybe you forgot what it was about.