low five: osama bin laden, the ultimate hypocrite

Hey, did you guys hear the news? Some guy named Osama Bin Laden is dead! Yeah, I'm a little late on this blog post, but I have a legit excuse - I've been in Wisconsin all week for work.  And I would have done a post about this fine state, but there is so little activity here that I couldn't find 5 things, good or bad, to list about America's dairy state.

So instead I chose to finish this post about how hypocritical Bin Laden really is. If anyone in the Taliban could objectively look at this man, they would see how stupid it is to follow him. This guy is just some cave-hiding, attention-seeking bitch who's claim to fame is avoiding US secret ops for 10 years. Wow, impressive, it must be hard to avoid being found when you hide in remote deserts of the Middle East doing nothing...


#5 - declared a holy war, smoked marijuana against Muslim beliefs

How do you deal with munchies in a Palestinian cave?
I can't imagine goat cheese gets the job done...

So apparently Muslims must keep their bodies clean and pure. Stuff like alcohol is considered an intoxicant and is thus banned. Well, marijuana isn't explicitly considered "Haraam" (forbidden), but it is widely considered so by Islam scholars. So obviously, one would think that anyone declaring a HOLY war would be, oh I don't know, in good religious standing and refrain from getting high?

Apparently, while Bin Laden's terrorists were out seeking to destroy Western culture, their leader was chilling at home toking. Yup, the guy delivering orders in this so-called Jihad against the "heathen" Westerners. So yeah, you better do all you can to protect that Muslim holy land, but in the mean time, feel free to break all those religious rules. No big deal... President of Israel is probably eating a ham sandwich right now while he talks military strategy with American forces in Jerusalem, right? Wrong.



#4 - promised terrorists glorious death and eternal paradise, hid in a cave

Something tells me that even if this paradise if real, these
virgins are gonna be pissed...

If someone offered you a mansion for $10, with no strings attached or limitations and restrictions, but he himself lived in a trailer, would you accept the offer? Probably not, right? Because there is something fundamentally wrong with the situation - why would this guy not take up his own offer? He is trying to sell off these amazing houses for practically nothing, but he himself doesn't want one? Makes you wonder, what's the catch? Maybe, just maybe, you want to ask what's going on here. I'm sensing a failure to communicate.

Well, what is so different about the promises made to suicide bombers and hijackers? They're told of an eternal paradise that awaits them, but for some reason all their leaders want no part in this paradise. Apparently, the highest-ranking terrorists feel better about living in constant hiding, sleeping with one eye open and trusting no one. Makes you wonder what the catch is with those 72 virgins, huh? Like, are these virgins just the guys I wrote about in this low five? Probably...


#3 - denounced America's environmental impact, muslim countries supply America with oil

"Can you believe these Americans and their big SUVs?
Makes me sick. Oops, I mean rich, not sick."

Hey Osama, before you start jumping on the "green" bandwagon and pretending like you care about nature, why don't you stop and think about where all your homeland's money comes from. Yup it's from oil. You know, that filthy source of energy that powers our cars and trucks and heats our buildings. It's not like Al-Qaeda runs off solar energy or has a fleet of company Priuses.

The best part is that Osama is totally reaching when he denounces America for it's oil use and consumption. Like this is the only country that uses oil and wastes energy? Hey, why don't you look east to Dubai, where they are literally building oases in the desert. You think that's a natural setting for an ice bar? I'm thinking it probably uses a shitload of energy. And isn't that a Saudi prince cruising by in a Ferrari? So before anyone starts criticizing America for it's oil consumption, stop and think about whether that oil is the basis of your entire economy.


#2 - hated american culture, owned a house in a suburb

I really pictured the Bin Laden home as a Garrison - they've
got a ton of space for kids, pets, and secret pot plants...

What is the classic American Dream? Probably owning a nice house with a picket fence in a quiet neighborhood. Maybe an apple pie cooling on the window sill, and some kids playing baseball in your front yard. That scene that I just described, that's called a suburb. Yeah, America invented those. They're pretty sweet. And guess who wanted to live in one; the Bin Laden family.

So America's #1 enemy is actually trying to live like an American? Apparently, because word has it that Osama also owned a Toyota SUV that was developed in the US, and enjoyed Coca Cola (clearly a Western product). So I guess America sucks, but all the great things from America are okay...? Oh yeah, and by the way, Bin Laden had 20 kids with 5 wives. So I guess he was specifically aiming to recreate a Utah suburb.


#1 - criticized bans of burqas in France, had flash drive filled with porn

Yup, Osama Bin Laden is just another troll who is jealous
of Charlie Sheen. 

So unoriginal. Usually in America, it's those born-again christians who preach about how evil homosexuals are that get caught in an airport bathroom or seedy motel with their secret boyfriend. Same story with Osama, if you are attracted to someone or something, it's probably best to NOT denounce it and oppress it. That's a good indicator of your true feelings. It's middle-school flirting 101; you tease the girl you like and pretend you don't like her.

So Bin Laden liked porn, whatever. But he totally hated on women, and that's just not cool. You can't be forcing trashbags over women's head and then expect them to play out your fantasies! That's not how it works, right? Why don't you try taking the girl on a date and buying her something nice, then you probably won't need the porn. But hey, what do I know? Apparently this guy didn't need the women advice, seeing as he had those 20 kids... And by the way, I heard a rumor that one of the women featured in the secret Bin Laden flash drive was one Bree Olsen - that's right, one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses. Umm, losing?


Well, I'll be flying home from Milwaukee on Friday, so if there is free wifi available, I'll probably be recapping my trip. I know you are all really interested, so I'll give you a little preview; cows. Just cows. Lots of them. And I'll debunk a popular myth about them, so stay tuned. Otherwise, read my last five here.