a league of just ordinary gentlemen: low five: fishing, it's the worst thing ever

Guess who took a sick day from work because he wasn't feeling great, and now has no excuse not to post this blog today...

I have literally no idea why I chose this topic, other than I could think of 3 weird/stupid/gross ways people catch fish. But the more I think about it, the more stupid fishing seems. Unless it's used as an excuse to drink on a boat, I'm not interested in sitting around waiting for some dumb animal to get itself stuck on my line and then flop around on the boat until I feel bad and throw it back. Okay, enough intro, let's just do this thing!

#5 - fly-fishing

Looks like he is trying to bullwhip a fish, Indiana Jones style

Fly fishing could be the least logical style of fishing ever conceived. Would you go hunting by just firing one shot into the woods and hoping a deer runs into the bullet? Because in terms of effectiveness, that's basically what you're doing when you go fly-fishing. Like, the fish has a split second to get itself caught by falling for the old "fly on the water" trick. Meanwhile, I couldn't even use a normal fishing rod to catch a piranha using man flesh for bait. And the whole casting system, that's just asking for trouble. Just think about it, swinging sharp metal hooks on the end of long strings is a recipe for eye injury.

And as if potentially blinding yourself and others in order to catch a fish in the most asinine manner possible wasn't enough, you have to do it all in ridiculous rubber boots and overalls because you're standing in a river. If you're gonna actually walk into the fish's house and kill it, at least do it like a boss and use your bare hands. I think it's universally acknowledged that casually grabbing a passing fish is the manliest thing anyone could do. Getting all dressed up to stand in knee-deep water is at the opposite end of the manly spectrum.

#4 - commercial fishing

"No big deal, we're just about to sink and die..."

Deadliest catch - yea, sounds like something I really want to do. The best part is, these guys risk their lives so some shithead little kid can make a mess at the dinner table and refuse to eat his fish sticks. What a jerk. I bet if his time-out was anywhere near as harrowing as 6 weeks in the Bering Sea, he'd have a better appreciation for his food. It's pretty tough to think of a worse place to be for 6 weeks than trapped on a boat trying not to die in Perfect Storms and shit. And for what? A couple tons of salmon? Not worth it.

The other sketchy part of commercial fishing is the people you'd be working with. I have to assume that anyone willing to captain a fishing boat into rough seas is at least partially batshit crazy. Maybe not Captain Ahab level, but probably prone to making awful/irrational decisions that jeopardize the safety of the crew. Like, the guy could see the Kraken rise out of the water, but would tell the crew "Where there's mythological sea monsters, there're fish... Lower the nets!" Nothing like having a dangerously delusional boss.

#3 - fishing during breeding season

"Fish orgy" brings up some disturbing Google results, so let's
just use this picture and our imaginations...

My friend Pat once told me a story about the time his cousins went fishing off the coast of Massachusetts during some fish mating season. Apparently it's fairly easy to catch fish while they are in some kind of sex frenzy. However, there is a steep, steep price to pay: being drenched in fish fluids. Yep, there's fish egg and sperm just flying through the air. These guys actually wore raincoats, the air was so thick with fish ejaculate. There is nothing in this world I like enough to do in a hurricane of semen, fish or otherwise.

Beyond the disgustingness of this fishing trip, it's also pretty cruel to a certain degree. I feel like there is an honor code in the animal kingdom that prohibits the hunting and killing of other beings while they are having sex. Even the deranged murderer in slasher movies let's the victimized couple finish up before he barges in with his ax swinging. I just have no respect for anyone who waltzes into a fish orgy and starts netting some unsuspecting salmon that are enthusiastically contributing to the livelihood of their species.

#2 - stilt fishing

This looks more like a form of punishment than a means
of living. Murder gets you 5 years on the stilts...

These poor stupid Sri Lankans balance on these poles for hours waiting to catch a 2-inch fish that they can sell for 2 cents. Yes, you read that all right. Balance on a stick stuck in the water for two hours. Catch a fish smaller than your finger. Sell it for 2 pennies. The sounds like a pretty legitimate strategy, it's only a matter of time before Sri Lankans revolutionize the way the world does business! And apparently, the rough waves that they use those poles to avoid actually prevent any large fish from hanging out in the area. Take a hint from the fish and abandon that area, guys. It's like trying to find a date at WPI, you can't catch what isn't there to begin with.

Anyway, this is easily the worst work-to-reward ratio ever. After a couples weeks, you could buy a postage stamp with all that cash! No wonder Sri Lanka is one of the poorest countries in the world. I mean, this makes their jute (used to make rope) market look downright opulent.

#1 - hillbilly hand-fishing

You may not be familiar with this form of fishing, so I'll explain a little bit of how it works; the fisherman jumps into a lake or pond, swims around looking for holes to ram his arm into, and hopes that he punches a fish right in the mouth so it gets stuck on his forearm. That's right, the goal of hillbilly fishing is to basically shove your fist down the throat of an unsuspecting fish, then run out of the water with it.

You know what this sounds like? It sounds like a lot of work. It also sounds slimy, gross, and borderline sexual. Hillbilly hand-fishing is a good name, but I'd call it fish mouth rape. I'm actually surprised this is legal, because it seems an unusually cruel method of catching a fish. Imagine if someone rammed their arm down your throat and picked you up and carried you away to kill and eat; that sounds like the worst way to die, ever. But that's just the reality that fish have to live with, every day, not knowing whether they'll meet such a truly unfortunate end...