high five: oscar special

I need to figure out how to get on the Academy so my voice can be heard. I have a pretty sound method for casting my vote, and all my reviews have been pretty impartial. For the low five Oscar special, click here. Number 1 on this list is my pick for the Best Picture.

#5 - Black Swan

I wish I was the
choreographer on set...

Okay, I was interested in this movie. And not just because we get to see Macaulay Culkin’s ex go down on Nat Portman (who, by the way, I would marry the shit out of). The whole mood of this movie is dark and tense, and I don’t even give a shit about ballet. Like, for some reason I cringed every time Nat clipped herself with the nail scissors or pulled a feather out of her back. Oh yea, that reminds me, feathers come out of her.

The symbolism isn’t very subtle. But it’s clearly supposed to indicate how mentally fucked up ballet can make you. Probably from all that vomiting they do in order to look like 12-year-old boys. Hey, you know what? This role was tailor-made to rub that breakup in Macaulay’s face!

#4 - 127 Hours 

Terrible decision-making by this
so-called "engineer".

D²B² reviewed it earlier, but I’ll give a rundown. Basically a guy decides to put himself in the worst situation possible. He tells NO ONE that he was planning to ride his bike into the desert and explore some rock formations. He leaves half his water supply in his truck. He doesn’t have a phone with him. He doesn’t even bring his Swiss army knife. Then he waits until he is almost dead to make his move.

So am I supposed to be impressed that he cuts off his own arm with what looked like some pliers, and survives? Aside from the fact he should have never ended up in that predicament, he should have offed his arm on day 2. It’s not like anyone was going to be out exploring that canyon on a Monday; hanging out in the desert is a weekend activity. Then he could have had water to drink on the walk back to his truck. Putting the movie plot aside, I pretty much approve of anything James Franco does. He acted the shit out of that role, and he starred opposite a rock. Well done, Carlos the Dwarf. (Freaks and Geeks, anyone?)

#3 - Inception 

Inception trailer: makes
everything else better.

My brain needed some kind of mental rape kit after Chris Nolan was through with it. Weeks after I saw it, this movie was still fucking with me. What I have settled on (term used loosely, because by the end of this paragraph I will have changed my mind) is that Mal, who must be bad because it’s the Spanish translation of her name, is trying to kill Cobb (Leo) because he is still dreaming. See, she was right in throwing herself off the building because they really were still down a level. And don’t give me that “token didn’t fall” shit because he openly admits that it used to be her token and he took it. So if he took it after she “died” in the dream world, then it wouldn’t work for him. Because he never would have used it in a state of consciousness! Now, everyone go rewatch it and poke a shitload of holes in my theory.

Oh, and explain to me how Nolan isn’t nominated for best director? Pretty much destroys the Oscar credibility.

#2 - The Fighter 

Hey, you evah get tah box
at the tsongas arenah?

This movie makes me wish I had a coke-head brother to go “spahh” with. True story, the week after I saw this I was in Lowell for my cousin’s birthday. We ended up driving her drunk friend home and when we got there, she looks at me and says, “Mickey Ward’s brother lives right there,” and points two houses over. So I go up to the door and start pounding on it yelling “Dicky, give me my motherfucking money! I know you’re in there!” Then I ran around back just in time to see him fall out of the 2^nd floor window into the dumpster.

Some of that story is true. Guess where the fabrication begins. Lowell ties = close 2^nd.

#1 - The Social Network 

Without you, Mark, how
would I get any blog readers?

A lot of people seem to think that Justin Timberlake stole this movie. Really? I’ve never met Sean Parker or Mark Zuckerberg, but when I watched this movie, I kept thinking, “Why is Zuckerberg talking to Justin Timberlake again?” His Sean Parker was basically exactly how I imagine Justin Timberlake to be in real life.

Now here is where I am completely biased. Most of the movie is set in Cambridge, future hometown of yours truly. A few weeks after seeing The Social Network, I moved a friend into an apartment on the same block as the Thirsty Scholar, the setting of the opening scene. So, for that reason only, it seems pretty obvious this movie is destined for Oscar greatness.

So Social Network is a lock. Find a gambling website and put money on it. And send me half, I have student loans to pay back and I can't be making everyone else rich for free, man. 

Click here for the low five Oscar special. Click for the most recent high five and low five.