low five: oscar special

In honor of the Oscars, and partially to brag that I saw all 10 nominees, I'm going to break down the best picture category. Number 1 on this list is the worst nominee of the year, and number 1 on the following high five is the best movie, and my pick for the Oscar.

#5 - The Kids Are All Right  

Mark Ruffalo: lesbian
whisperer

I’m torn over this movie. I kind of have this grudge against Julianne Moore because I hate her Boston accent on 30 Rock. And are we seriously supposed to believe that ginger is a landscaper? How do you work outside in the California sun all day and maintain that porcelain freckled skin? I picked Annette Bening for the lead actress because she did a great job pretending to even like Julianne Moore.

But on the other hand, I really liked Mark Ruffalo’s motorcycle. And the movie title clarified some grammar that always confused me. Apparently, alright isn’t a word, and now I’ll have an easier time remembering that. So thanks “The Kids Are All Right”!

#4 - Toy Story 3 

So there definitely won't
be a 4th one, right?

I’m probably the only person in the world who isn’t a fan of the Toy Story franchise. People told me they cried at the end of this one, but I couldn’t figure out when that would have been. Probably when Andy gives Woody away, right? I’m not gonna cry for a 19 year old boy who wants to keep a doll. Just like I’m not going to applaud him for NOT being an asshole and giving his toys to a 4-year-old who would actually use them.

The only redeeming part of this movie was the Totoro cameo. The title character of the greatest Japanese kids movie of all time can be seen for about 8 seconds while Woody looks up the daycare on Google Maps.  If you haven’t seen Totoro, you need to. I need more people with whom I can discuss the feasibility of a real-life Catbus. And now most of you have no idea what I’m talking about and assume I use hallucinogens. 

#3 - The King’s Speech 

Basically the reason Nazi
Germany fell to the Allies

I really did not want to like this movie. I don’t like Colin Firth. But I have to admit, he was pretty good in it. I just don’t see it winning best picture. Seriously, am I supposed to be impressed that this king, who even during WWII was merely a figurehead, bravely overcame his stutter to give a speech over the RADIO. No one could even see him, so he could have always used the “technical difficulties” excuse for b-b-b-bombing his sp-sp-sp-speech. It seemed a little pretentious of him to actually think his ability to talk over the radio would rally England against Hitler.

And Helena Bonham-Carter looked out of place without a digitally enlarged head, or some other Tim Burton fetish to enact. I couldn’t tell if she was a bitch or a supportive wife. But that might be because I was designing a geothermal heating system through a good chunk of the movie. I clearly gave this movie a fair chance. 

#2 - Winter’s Bone 

I’m pretty sure the only colors in this movie are brown, gray, and blue. Wow, what an uplifting movie! A 17-year-old girl has to deal with her drug-addicted (and possibly dead) father, mentally ill mother, and her two younger siblings. And it’s set in the beautiful landscape of Appalachia. Where else would you find someone named Jessup Dolly? Typical backwater name, and I feel safe mocking it because I’m willing to bet no one named Jessup has internet access to read this.

Jennifer Lawrence is pretty good, but I think it’s a product of the role and the fact that no one knew of Jennifer Lawrence. I mean, if that were Kate Hudson it would be a lot less believable, and not just because Kate Hudson is a bad actress. It’s because I know her from too many other roles, so it would be a constant reminder that this is all fake. I only know Lawrence as the Appalachian girl who is looking for her meth-head dad, and I think that helps add to the authenticity. Does that make any sense? Probably not. 

#1 - True Grit 

Looks like one of those sex-
offender notices.

Some serious child molestation/pedophile undertones through parts of this movie. So, uh, bravo Cohen Brothers? I guess that captures the Texas spirit during the 1800’s. Can Texas just officially become its own country already? Why did America even want it?

I’m just gonna go ahead and admit it, I brought a date to this movie. His name is Dr. McGillicuddy, and he kept making me laugh at the character names. Cogburn and Lebeouf, seriously? Every time someone angrily called out Jeff Bridges, it sounded like they just got swindled by a particularly dirty prostitute and knew there wasn’t a VD clinic this side of the Indian Territories.

Click here for the high five: Oscars edition. Click for the most recent high five and low five.