low five: spring break stay-aways

My fellow gentleman Sac has just declared that in two days, we will welcome the official start to Spring. What's the best part of spring? Not baseball. Not flowers. Not St. Patrick's day. Well, maybe St. Patrick's day. But for college kids everyone, it means it's time for a spring break getaway. Well, in the spirit of negativity, here are 5 places you should from which you should STAY AWAY.

#5 - Toronto

What an exotic locale!

Unless you are a college kid between the ages of 17 and 21 living in the greater Buffalo area, I see no reason to go to Toronto. It’s basically America, but probably colder than wherever you’re coming from. The only thing they do well in Canada – hockey – is a fruitless attraction. The Toronto Maple Leafs must have a record high “sell-out-to-win” ratio. They always sell out but rarely win.

Now, some of my friends might make the argument “Hey Evan, stop being a douche bag. Toronto is a great place to take a long weekend and catch a Red Sox road game.” But to those people I say, why leave Boston during the summer, when we can actually go to beaches and enjoy the warm weather? I vacation when there is 3 feet of snow out, I don’t escape 80 degree weather.

#4 - Detroit 

How about that auto industry resurgence

That Superbowl commercial with Eminem in a Chrysler isn’t fooling me. Detroit isn’t on a comeback, it’s on a government bailout. I’m not spending my free time with drunks, murderers, and foreclosed homes. It’s not even the capital city of Michigan. It is just an utterly unimpressive city.

 Is there even anything to do in Detroit? It’s obviously not a top vacation destination, but I can’t think of a single reason to go. According to this site, which reads like the Detroit yellow pages, there are tons of attractions! For instance, you could stop by “A Bar”, which must be unique given its creative name. 

#3 - India  

And I thought the green line sucked...

I saw slumdog millionaire, and I’m not going anywhere near those slums. What tourist wants to get swindled by untouchables all day and get their shoes stolen? By the way, I don’t even know if there is room to move in that country, it’s got a population density of about 1000 people per square FOOT. That’s the recipe for filth and disease, and I’m not paying to experience it.

So let’s look at the pros and cons. PROS: Taj Mahal CONS: almost everything else.

#2 - Central America 

Know how I know you're in a gang?

I don’t trust this part of the world. Not one bit. Is there a country here that isn’t embroiled in some radical revolution or bloody civil war? There probably is, but I don’t have time to find that country and figure out which borders to stay away from.

All I’m saying is, murder seems like a pretty casual thing down there. According to Wikipedia (totally legitimate source, right?), El Salvador has 71 intentional murders per 100,000 inhabitants. In the U.S., it’s 5 murders per 100,000 civilized, democracy-loving inhabitants. And in Colombia, thieves will either spray you with poison and rob you or, if you’re lucky, they’ll use a chloroform rag. Oh yeah, and all this takes place in a jungle filled with poisonous frogs and bugs the size of your fist. Basically Dante's 10th circle of hell.

#1 - Africa 

Stop and ask directions, I dare you.

War. Drought. Famine. Plague. Anyone feel like vacationing to the Book of Revelations? No? I didn’t think so. A vacation to Africa is just one long, expensive guilt trip. Even as the plane is touching down, you feel like an asshole for coming to look upon this misery because your life is too boring, or stressful, or whatever reason you have for a vacation.

So unless I am guaranteed to see pride rock during a Circle of Life ceremony, there’s no way I am risking 10-year-olds with AK-47’s, AIDS, the melancholy of the “Feed the Children” babies, and general dryness. Hakuna Matata my ass.

Basically the only acceptable vacation destinations are Europe, Asia, the West Coast, and the Caribbean. Here's a link to Orbitz, happy planning!

Read the last high five here and low five here. And stay tuned for an Oscars edition this weekend.