high five: how to maximize your life on the streets

My life as a poor, starving student can only go on for so long. Soon I will just be poor and starving and out of excuses. As such, I am planning ahead so that I can live the most fulfilling life possible as a homeless person. I refuse to be found dead in Boston Common with a sign frozen in my hand that says "will engineer homes and bridges for food". So step number one in my quest for poverty paradise is to escape the northeast. But where should I go?

#5 - Wherever the Peace Corps sends me

"Back home, I used my powerful words
to enchant my internet readers. What's
the internet, you ask? Well..."

I like the idea of traveling to exotic places and being worshipped as a god because I can speak english and do math. Obviously, when I say "wherever the Corps sends me", I mean "any of their tropical, warm locations that aren't plagued by disease or war". I have to be a little picky, since I am going to be contributing my vast knowledge and skills to some helpless mass of people posing as a society. These services aren't free, you know. If I was willing to work pro bono for the betterment of society in a cold climate, I would just stay in New England and do nothing.

Honestly, this is starting to sound like a really good option. I could use a little culture in my life. One time, when I was stranded in an airport hotel at Charles de Gaulle (which is hands down the worst airport in the world. I'm pretty sure M.C. Escher is listed as the architect of record) I met a young guy who was on his way back from a Peace Corps stint in Africa. And you all know how I feel about that continent. But he actually sounded like he really enjoyed it, so maybe I should give this thing a chance.




#4 - Vancouver

"Uh, yea, I would come help, but I'm
doing an interview right now"

I realize that it is cold here, but Vancouver offers too many benefits to ignore completely. First, it's Canada, so I would get free healthcare. Second, it's a port city, so I would grow a beard, develop a crazy look in my eyes, maybe witness a murder or two, and then find work on a local fishing boat. From there, I would carve out a niche as the funny and handsome young crew member, and then let the Deadliest Catch boats bid on my services.

I would only need to survive one trip before I could parlay my reality TV celebrity into some awesome endorsements. Like, I could become the new Van De Kamp fisherman. Or spokesman of Red Lobster. At the very least, manager of a Joe's Crab Shack. But what will probably happen is an extended stay in a Canadian hospital where I'll be treated for exposure and hypothermia within a week of my arrival. At least I won't have to pay for it.

#3 - Florida

I could definitely just hang out here
for 6 months

I definitely won't freeze to death here. I could probably even have a decent life in Florida without ever having a house. I could just be a squatter in any of the thousands of winter homes of rich New Englanders. Think about it; for 6 months each year, I could have a pool, a boat, a huge house, and a new persona, if I wanted.

The other 6 months of the year could be a problem. Anywhere you can find alligators in a pond or boa constrictors in the bushes, you probably want a house. Also, there is a hurricane season. I'm no meteorological expert, but I think that attempting to ride out a hurricane under the parking lot awning of a Sonic is probably a bad idea. But still, you can't beat that warm weather and those great beaches!

#2 - The American Midwest

Someday, that could be my company car

If there is one stereotype I would seek out as a homeless person, it is the general kindness of Midwesterners. I hear these people are legally prohibited from saying "No". All I have to do is rub some dirt on my face, maybe give myself a black eye, and whip up a back-story of abuse and neglect. No one in Iowa would deny me a ride, a meal, or a job.

I'm basing most of this theory off the best-selling book and subsequent movie "Into the Wild". A college grad gives up all his worldly possessions and travels the country on the strength of his own two feet and whatever ride he can get from a passing stranger. In the movie, he meets a farmer (played by Vince Vaughn, so my expectations are high for these people) who gives him a job and a place to stay. He even gets to drive those huge tractors. As a homeless person, what more could you ask for?

#1 - Eastern Europe

With the money in my pocket right now,
I could probably buy and restore this place

If I could save enough change as a beggar to get myself across the Atlantic, I would head straight to Eastern Europe. Just 1 dollar will get me more than 20 Slovak korunas. What a bargain! Moldova is the poorest nation in Europe, with an average daily income of 2.15 USD. And people can live off that amount! Imagine making $750 a year in America and actually living through the year. Utterly impossible. Clearly, this is the place to go if you need to stretch a dollar. It's basically the Costco of Europe.

When I picture Eastern Europe, I picture a war-torn wasteland devoid of color and joy. Just concrete, clouds, and dirt. On any other person, this could take an emotional toll. But I have lived in Worcester for 5 years, and that is basically the Eastern Europe of Massachusetts. I decided to dig a little deeper into what life is really like in places like the former Yugoslavia (oh yeah, I totally forgot that I would have the opportunity to say I lived in the former Yugoslavia. Huge plus), so I did a Google image search Eastern Europe. After you scroll through about 5 pages of maps, you start to see some pretty disturbing stuff. If everyone looks like this guy with disgusting hand-growths, I might have to rethink my choice. But then you find a picture of these lovely models and realize the great potential of a life in this fine land!


So I guess it's settled then. If I can't find a job, look for me in Bratislava. In the meantime, click here for the latest low five, and help a blogger out by Digging my stuff. Or Stumbling Upon it. Or whatever...