high five: Roald Dahl characters for president

Have you every thought about the mindset of a children's author? It must be really hard to write a story that a kid can understand, because kids are dumb and have no attention span. So obviously, whatever extra detail the author gives to his characters will probably go unnoticed until the loyal child audience grows up. It's like in cartoons, when you are old enough you start noticing the weird and funny stuff that went right over your head as a kid. Go watch Rocko's Modern Life now and you will understand what I'm talking about...

So now that I'm 23, I can look back at the most prominent characters of my favorite childhood author, Roald Dahl, and see what kind of people (or animals) they really are. Turns out, they are pretty well-suited to run against Donald Trump for the 2012 presidency. Now I'll step in as campaign manager and make a case for each...


#5 - James (and his giant peach)

James and his Chief of Staff review military strategy

Even as a child, James demonstrates incredible diplomatic and leadership skills. He manages to get a bunch of insects to not only refrain from eating each other, but from eating their flying piece of fruit. I mean, if a spider is starving to death, it will eat a ladybug and a cricket. But James just would not allow that. He got these bugs to put their natural survival instincts aside for the betterment of the group.

So just image James on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East. All he would need is an comically-oversized fruit to hold a meeting between Palestinians, Israelis, Kurds, Sunnis, and Shi'ites, and then just fly that vessel into the middle of nowhere. A variety of wacky obstacles will force these enemies to work together and learn from each other. And before you know it, a mutual respect will have formed between all groups and peace will spread throughout the region, bringing our gas prices back to Earth.



#4 - Willy Wonka

Beware, Mexico. The Oompa Loompas are watching you.

Dude runs a magic chocolate factory; I think he can handle the most powerful country in the world. And Willy Wonka is a straight-up businessman, so he will be taking on all our problems at once. I envision a future where the US sells official candy bars across the globe, and those who find a golden ticket are given permanent citizenship. Everyone else will be kept out with the vaunted Oompa Loompa border patrol. So, there's one policy to deal with both the economy and the illegal alien problem. I don't care if that violates the Constitution, it's an awesome idea and I won't be convinced otherwise!

Are there any other Wonka technology we can use for this great nation of ours? Of course! If we can find a way to trick Iraqi insurgents and Al-Qaeda terrorists into chewing whatever candy turned that girl into a giant blueberry, then the military will have no problem finding and eliminating our enemies. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel. Giant, blue fish and a sandy desert barrel.


#3 - The Big Friendly Giant

During negotiations, he will literally have
other world leaders in the palm of his hand 

Sure, he is a kind and benevolent being, but the BFG is also a master in the art of manipulation. He catches, creates, and destroys dreams in his spare time and can use them to impose his will on others. The BFG wants some face time with the Queen of England so he can have all your evil giant enemies murdered? He just whips out his dream trumpet and blows a few visions into her subconscious so that she will understand his predicament and listen to his side of things.

That dream trumpet would be the most useful tool in the history of politics! Hey Kim Jong Il, enjoy your vivid dream about the horrible repercussions of North Korea's nuclear program. Hey oil executives, here's a dream about the bright American future after investing a fortune in research and development of clean and renewable energy sources. Hey uber-conservative evangelicals, here's a dream about God smiting you for boycotting military funerals and abortion clinics. The only things that stand in the BFG's path to presidency is his shaky grasp of the English language and his big goofy ears, but neither of those stopped George W. Bush from serving two consecutive terms...


#2 - Matilda

Brushing up on stem-cell
research already...

Who better to be the first female President than a woman who does magic? She is obviously smart enough to go to Harvard Law and become a politician on her own merit, but what really sets her apart is being able to make stuff levitate and move using only her mind. But she only uses that magic to protect the good and annoy/inflict mild pain on her enemies. I can't think of a more fitting person to have control of all armed forces in the United States.

So here is the plan: get Matilda a badass latex superhero costume and have her lead our troops into battle, old-school style. She can just go all X-men and bend bullet trajectories around her and flip tanks with her brain and stuff. If I'm an enemy of the United States, I'm surrounding as soon as I see a small girl smashing buildings with her psychic powers. You just can't compete with that, Jihad be damned. Unless maybe you can grab her and throw her in the chokey, in which case all bets are off...


#1 - (The Fantastic) Mr. Fox

 "He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point,
he said 'Let's get it on!'" - Step Brothers

Mr. Fox is probably the most similar character to an actual politician; he's a smooth talker, he takes whatever he wants, and he can rally his people around him in a time of crisis. He deals with the suspected neo-nazi farmer Bean with zero tolerance for his nefarious ways. Fox's underground system of tunnels to steal the Bean cider effectively crippled the economy and provisions of the Bean farm, causing it's downfall. They don't call him fantastic for nothing, you know.

I think I am going to have to endorse the film version of Mr. Fox for President instead of the literary version, because he is voiced by George Clooney (great speaking voice) and because he has the balls to execute a ridiculous plan to rescue his nephew from the evil farmers. Also, the film Fox electrocutes an assassin-rat, so it's pretty clear this is one badass "mother-cusser" who can fend for himself. And in the end, he provides for his people (animals?) by leading them to a secret entrance to a grocery store, where they will have all they food they need. I have no doubt Fox will tunnel his way into a new oil reserve, bring our gas prices back to normal, and set our economy on the right track, all while stealing the resources of those who want to destroy us. Start chiseling his face on Mount Rushmore, it's a done deal.


Now, if only these characters existed, the massive Ordinary Gentlemen readership could start a write-in movement and save the country. Instead, Donald Trump will run and all those people stupid people who are encouraged to register and vote will cast their ballots for the most recognizable name they see. Shit...

Might as well read all the high and low fives you can before the US declares bankruptcy in 3 years and China owns us.