high five: who the hell discovered this great food?

Now that it is Lent, I have to brush up on the few dietary laws of the Catholic church. They make zero sense and, as I was discussing with a friend, are clearly the end result of Jesus' efforts to stir up business for his fishing industry. I mean, how is fish not a meat? It is the flesh of an animal that we consume for protein. But because it lives in water, we can eat it on the Fridays leading up to Easter? Whatever, at least we don't have to learn all that kosher business. All these rules got me thinking about food, and the most delicious things that probably shouldn't have been discovered as edible.


#5 - Potatoes

"Guys, look what I found. Should we
try to eat it?"

Gotta love the Peruvian natives who decided to pull these brown lumps of dinosaur shit out of the ground and figure out a way to eat them. Raw potatoes are pretty terrible, and can contain toxins that give you diarrhea and cramps, or even a coma and death. But the most off-putting part is that they are basically Mother Nature's blackheads; no one wants them, they grow beneath the surface, and they're ugly. I don't trust things that grow under earth's surface. If it was meant to be eaten we would be able to see it.

Vegetables need to take a lesson from fruits. Fruits are brightly colored and sweet and grow in plain sight; vegetables are bitter and ugly and hard to see. And in the case of the potato, you can't just pull it out of the ground and bite into it (unless you like the horrid taste of raw potato). But once you crack the potato code and learn how to make french fries, it's game over. Suddenly, potatoes are a staple of the American diet. They are a symbol of freedom and capitalism. And if the drunken Irish farmers hadn't completely focused their food supply around the potato (instead of, oh I don't know, fish? Ireland, you are an island!) and been forced to move to America during the blight, we wouldn't have the Celtics, the Dopkick Murphys, or Conan O'Brien. All thanks to someone trying to eat a potato.






#4 - Mushrooms

Wanna roll the dice that these aren't
poisonous? Or spider eggs?

I realize that many people don't like mushrooms, and they rarely take center stage in a meal. But they are a great addition to a pizza or salad. And it must be mentioned, a lot of people probably died so that we could enjoy mushrooms. I mean, they are just a fungus that defies the rules of biology by living in dark, damp places where plants can't thrive. So anyone who stumbled across a mushroom and thought it would be a good idea to taste it probably didn't have many other options. The mushrooms we tend to eat don't necessarily resemble the common ones found in nature; some mushrooms look like dried pieces of animal poop. And when I'm walking around the woods, I try to avoid putting feces in my mouth.

Back to the part where I said a lot of people probably died in add to us to order mushrooms on our 1:30am Dominos order. There are hundreds of different types of mushrooms that are poisonous. Some will kill you, some will only cause severe stomach pains and vomiting. Some will make you trip so you think you can fly and end up falling to your death. So imagine back in the pre-internet, pre-telephone times when someone discovered a mushroom was toxic; they eat it in the woods, they die in the woods. No one makes the connection that the cause of death was a mushroom, so it's not recorded as one of ways to die in a forest for everyone to learn from. But thanks to man's persistence, we now have stuffed mushroom appetizers.


#3 - Sausage

Mashing animals into their own interstine;
all in a day's work.

Well, butchers, you guys really outdid yourselves with the sausage. You found a way sell all the animal scraps, like organs and tissues, and even decided to stuff them into animal intestines. It sounds like some kind of barbaric ritual the neolithic hunters practiced after killing an animal and using every part of it. Or maybe a sick attempt at art by a serial killer pursuing his liberal arts degree.

Seriously, the part that really gets to me is the casing. Who would ever take the intestines of an animal, turn them inside-out, and use them to hold that animal's ground up organs. It is the most brutal and disgusting way you could ingest meat. But it is sooo good! Have you ever let sausgae cook all day in a sauce? It's so tender and delicious. I don't care if butchers forced the animal's friends and family watch the slaughtering and marinated the meat in children's tears; whatever they're doing is working!


#2 - Cheese

I can almost smell the curd stench
through the computer screen

"Oh shit, our milk has soured and is beginning to separate into what looks like a melted brain (curds) and contaminated water (whey). Well, let's try eating that brain substance." I can only assume that's how the conversation went during the first cheese-tasting. And as cheese-making became more sophisticated, people decided to add even more gross stuff, like bacteria molds. Finally they developed a way to cure cheese and age it, so you can eat milk that was curdled a hundred years ago and mixed with bacteria.

So this is the stuff we ask for on our sandwiches and add to our pasta. I think it was found to be a delicious addition to meals when someone used it to try to poison their mortal enemy; why else would someone think to add sour, curdled milk remnants to food? Well, that plan backfired and the targeted poison victim ended up with an even better meal. So farmers, keep experimenting with the disgusting things you find on your farm and report back when you make something as good as cheese.


#1 - Lobster

Yea, I can see how that thing
would taste good

A lobster is like a marine scorpion; why would anyone ever think to themselves, "Hey, I bet underneath that hard exoskeleton is some delicious meat". Hands down, it is the ugliest creature used in gourmet meals. But beyond it's hideous appearance, the lobster is a completely illogical food source. They live on the ocean floor, so who even bothered inventing a way of catching them? You expect me to believe that some genius built a little lobster cage, baited it, dropped it into the ocean, waited a week, and came back for it hoping he caught some water-scorpions? Mind you, I am talking about before anyone had ever tasted their delicious inside. And these things had big claws, so once you catch them they are going to fight you. It just seems like too much work for an animal that doesn't look very promising at all. I would have just caught a fish, it's a lot easier and they can't pinch you.

Let's go a little deeper, though. Aside from fish, is there anything in the ocean that looks like it should be eaten? Marine animals are probably the worst-looking creatures, so it must have taken a really hungry guy to look at a octopus and think, "I could totally eat this monster with a bulbous head and 8 phallus-like arms covered in suction cups". Or how about the guy who discovered caviar? "Guys, help me eat all these fish eggs before they hatch!" But to those brave men and women who decided to throw caution to the wind and eat these under-evolved sea creatures, I thank you. Christmas dinners for Italians just wouldn't be the same.


So what we have learned today is that people will try to eat anything. I have a friend who will continue that great tradition through dollar bets. So who knows, maybe someday everyone will be enjoying my concoction of grape juice, thousand island dressing, and marinara sauce all because I paid someone a dollar to try it!

I know all you readers think I'm hysterical, so read some of my older posts. Start by clicking here for the last low five. And Stumble me, if you are cool like that.