low five: law and order, folklore style

Feeling pretty negative this week, so no high five. Usually I base these lists off something that has happened recently in my life. Well, this one is completely outta nowhere. I haven't watched an episode of Law and Order in weeks and there are no holidays approaching. But for far too long our beloved folklore figures have coasted by on reputation while we turn a blind eye to what is really going on. Let's take an objective look at the 5 most nefarious characters, and which Law and Order badass is going to take him/her down.


#5 - Tooth Fairy

Never mind, she can have
all my teeth if she wants

Okay, so a woman who flies through children's windows while they sleep to leave them a special gift. That's definitely not creepy. But the sketchiest thing about the Tooth Fairy isn’t the forced entry into a child’s bedroom; it’s the collection of human bones. I can only assume she is selling them on a black market or practicing Santeria. And the SVU unit can tell you that nothing good has ever come from Santeria.

So we can only really pin one charge (breaking and entering) on the Tooth Fairy, and since the teeth are being purchased, there is no intent to burglarize. And with whatever pile of cash that fairy uses to buy teeth, I can only assume she can afford a lawyer that will get her off because the child is expecting the visitor. Nevertheless, there is some seriously shady activity going on here. I think we need some 24-hour surveillance from Munch and Finn. 











#4 - Easter Bunny

Ok fine, thats the Donnie
Darko bunny. Whatever...

There's something about rabbits that make me wary. They look all cute and innocent (especially that cadbury spokes-bunny), but below the surface they are plotting something. They're staying 3 steps ahead of us. I can feel it. Take Bugs Bunny, for example. That stuttering hick Fudd could never get a clean shot off on him, because rabbits are always 3 steps ahead. 


For that reason, the Easter Bunny could be the most dangerous of all. First of all, he is stealing a day meant to honor Jesus' death. Second of all, rabbits don't lay eggs. So where are they coming from, and how can he afford them? And while I can't figure out the end game, there is some serious criminal intent going on here, and we need a compulsive detective with an eye for detail. Put detective Robert Goren on the job, he's as slay as a fox. And foxes eat rabbits.






#3 - Cupid

No means no, dude.

Try walking outside naked with a bow and arrow, and see how far you get. My guess is as far as your neighbor's before you end up sprawled on the pavement in ‘cuffs. So why does Cupid get away with it? Because he shoots people in the name of “love”? Okay, try that one in a rape case against Casey Novak. She dares you.

So I guess what we have learned from Cupid’s general acceptance in society is that if you want to break the law, put hearts all over your weapon of choice and claim you can make people fall in love. That should do the trick. In the meantime, I’m waiting for Cupid to be tried for assault with a deadly weapon and public lewdness before I go out on Valentines Day. It shouldn't be long before SVU closes the book on this one.

#2 - Santa

You don't fool me, old man. 

He's the really big fish here. Year after year, people ask him for iPods, clothes, Hannah Montana dolls, and even money. So he delivers his orders to the elf-slaves he has trapped at the North Pole, far away from any civilization, and settles down to reverse-engineer the new model of the iPad. 

Seriously, this guy has been killing our economy with his counterfeiting, copyright infringement, and fraud. And he does it right under our noses, visiting malls during the holiday season to rub it in the retailer's faces. Not to mention he flies around the US without clearance and breaks into people's homes. All the evidence is there, but no one has even brought this jolly old man in for questioning. That's all about to change, because new DA Jack McCoy is ready to take the gloves off. I just hope he isn't using TD Ameritrade to buy Apple stock, because we can't afford to have America's hardest-hitting attorney recuse himself from the case.

#1 - Sandman

I really want this guy
putting my kid to sleep

Another folklore figure targeting kids. Real original. But this guy is a lot more evil, because he is hell-bent on slipping your child a date-rape drug. The Sandman is pretty much the cult hero of all child molesters, and if you don’t believe me, listen closely to the lyrics of Mr. Sandman, or read them here. It makes way more sense when you picture a lonely old man with a mustache sitting in his windowless van, petitioning the sandman to bring him a quiet, sleeping child. I feel uncomfortable just writing about it.

This case is tailor-made for Elliot Stabler, defender of children and rape-victims everywhere (within his jurisdiction). I can just picture him and B.D. Wong breaking this guy in an interrogation room. The sandman needs to be locked up, but I don’t think he would last very long in prison anyway. Just look at what happened to John Geoghan, the former priest and accused child molester who was murdered by a fellow inmate. So sandman, keep your filthy sleeping powders away from innocent kids you creeper. Captain Cragen and his SVU squad are coming for you.

Since I just created some new fantasy-version of Law and Order, does that make me the new Dick Wolf (awhooooo)? Because that's a dream come true. Cross it off my bucket list.

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