low five: the most egotistical literary heroes

Lately I have been trying to do more leisure reading. It's not like engineering students have a lot of reading to do, unless you count referencing building codes. So I figured my free time would be best spent catching up on some classics. But what I have noticed is that a lot of characters are just portrayed as better than everyone else. In some cases, they have almost no faults. The only thing worse than this type of character is one who thinks they are better than everyone else, or that they have no faults.

So now that I have to endure the constant media coverage of people like Charlie Sheen, Barry Bonds, and Donald Trump, I can't help but see their most annoying qualities in some of the most notorious literary heroes. Like, I think about Jay Gatsby's awesome parties and great reputation, and I think "winning". But then I picture him as the sad, washed-up addict that is Charlie Sheen. Maybe if we can just reunite him with his Daisy Buchanon, he'll stop this ridiculous tour and close his twitter account.


#5 - Holden Caulfield

I won't try to imagine what
Holden looks like. That
would be phony...

This has got to be the whiniest, most self-centered kid ever to achieve a mass following. He is easily the most beloved hipster. The kid is always calling other people phony and sees himself as some kind of guardian of innocence. Instead of staying in school, getting help for his grades, and reaching out to make new friends, Holden writes the whole experience off as superficial and useless. Obviously, getting drunk and paying a hooker for conversation is a much more fulfilling experience. Basically, Holden is a dumb kid who has mastered the art of angst. By telling himself he is above everything that he fails miserably at, he can still feel superior in some way.

And the ultimate mark of a self-centered egomaniac is inviting your ex-girlfriend to a musical and then asking her to move away with you. That was your play, Holden? Yeah, I can't believe it didn't work. Must be one crazy bitch to not want to spend her life in the collapsing black hole of melancholy and drear that is your life. She couldn't understand, she is too phony. Definitely not good enough for you, Holden. But I guess he should be surprised by her reaction; people are just incapable of interacting with Holden without being attracted to him. I mean, that former teacher who let Holden stay with him for a night was CLEARLY making a sexual advance. That head-patting definitely wasn't some gesture of concern or pity for a delusional youth who lost his way...




#4 - Elizabeth Bennet

I guess if you look like Keira Knightley
you can be an icy, stubborn bitch...

Wow, you are kind of a bitch. I mean, you barely even knew Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, but that didn't stop you from assuming he was the world's biggest bag of douche. Oh, some sketchy guy tells you he was "wronged" by Mr. Darcy, so that must be true. Oh, your sister's potential husband unexpectedly ends his courtship because Mr. Darcy wants to mess with their lives, so that must be true. But what were we expecting from a book called "Pride and Prejudice"? A humble and accepting character?

Actually, Mr. Darcy is just a nice guy trying to protect the people closest to him. That sketchy guy? He was trying to steal the Darcy inheritance from Fitzwillie's sister. That unexpected end to Jane's courtship? That's because you told Jane to be a cold-hearted bitch and Fitzy didn't want to see his dear friend get his heart broken. So really, Elizabeth, you just think the Earth spins on the Lizzy Bennet axis and that everyone's actions are dictated by how they will affect you. Why don't you stop getting your knickers in a bunch and start trying to empathize with others.


#3 - Sam-I-Am

I'm not eating your poison.
Now go away...

Seriously, no means no. That persistent, won't-take-no-for-an-answer attitude is going to land you in jail once you bring it to the dating scene (unless you are the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers). It's one thing to want to share the things that you enjoy, but it's something else entirely to force your opinions one someone else. And when you act as if someone should be honored to share a meal with you, it's a little off-putting. Just accept the fact that a stranger doesn't want to accept you food, and carry on with your life.

And can you really blame that fox thing for not wanting green eggs and ham? Meat turns green long after it is okay to eat, so maybe he just didn't feel like dying of food poisoning. If you offered me a delicious-looking, normal colored cheeseburger, I would be infinitely more likely to accept. Hell, if you offered me a Sonic Blast and told me it was poisoned, I would probably still eat it. But green eggs? And green ham? There's really nothing you could say to convince me to eat spoiled food.


#2 - Achilles

You would think if you had
one weakness, you would
cover it in armor...

Someone thinks they are the shit just because they are half-man half-god. If I were dipped in a magical spring to obtain near-invincibility, I wouldn't be such a bitch about it. Like, stubbornly refusing to help your countrymen in battle because Agamemnon didn't show you enough respect? Come on, man, you are a warrior so go out and fight. But since you refused, you got to bury Patroclus. Good work, you're never gonna hear the end of this from your Aunt. And don't even try to blame his death on Agamemnon, you could've done your job and protected your cousin at the same time, but SOMEONE felt a little too "disrespected". If you hated Ag' so much, you should've killed him and taken control of his army.

And one more thing, Achilles; you can't just go snatchin' up women and forcing them to love you. It doesn't work that way. No normal, happy couple is going to tell the romantic story of how they met when the man raided the woman's temple and forced her into sex-slavery. You have to go by the books here and ask her to dinner, get her flowers, buy her jewelry. NOT slaughter all her friends and allow her to live in order to sexually satisfy you. Not even Achilles could pull that one off.


#1 - Count of Monte Cristo (Edmund Dantes)

So let's get this straight - not anyone's
bitch, get an education, learn of secret
treasure island. Jail is awesome!

This guy just can't let things go. Sure, he was framed and wrongfully imprisoned. But while confined in the Chateau d'If, he learns math, philosophy and how to pretty much dominate life in general. Sure, he was kept from caring for his old father who died alone and poor. But his old priest friend jailmate tells him of a secret treasure and helps him escape. And yes, he was separated from his one true love, Mercedes. But not once while he was behind bars did he get shower-raped. So all in all, I'd call is a pretty productive 14 years.

Once he has escaped from the Chateau d'If, Dantes sets off to find the lost fortune on the island of Monte Cristo. On his way, he inadvertently acquires a lifelong servant and friend. So now he is up one friend and one massive bank account. But that's not enough, he can't let things slide with the past. Didn't this guy learn anything from that priest? So he goes back home to seek revenge on everyone who wronged him. He weaves an intricate plan to destroy the two men who framed him, but apparently the entire Danglars family and Fernand's son must also be held accountable for the past. That sounds fair...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot; Dantes is prepared to turn away Mercedes when she discovers the Count's true identity. What. A. Dick. I thought you loved this woman? But now you hold it against her that she didn't wait an undetermined amount of time for her fiance, who is in jail for treason? Sorry not everyone can be as perfect as you, Count. I've heard of the saying "Bros before Hoes", but never "Retaliation before Fornication". Get your priorities in order. Mercedes would make your life perfect, but you would rather make someone else's miserable?


So hopefully I haven't ruined any of this great literature for you. But you see my point, right? A lot of these characters make Hollywood celebrities seem down to earth. But it's obviously way easier to shit on the timeless, acclaimed work of writers like J.D. Salinger than to write my own masterpiece, so that's exactly what I'll do. Because I am a master at finding fault with things. Read more of my high/low fives to see what I mean.