low five: why are these things so absurdly expensive?!

Hey everyone, it's been a while! First off, just want to say happy birthday to fellow gentleman rmed. You probably don't know much about him, since he does not appear on the introductions page.

I haven't had time to write any new and entertaining posts because I was the victim of a random act of vandalism. That, combined with my steadily decreasing bank account, have led me to the realization that you don't need money to be happy. But you do need it to pay for all the over-priced shit in life. I don't see many homeless people who are happy, but that's because I don't live in any of these places. So here are five things that shouldn't make you poor, but probably will.


#5 Mass Pike tolls

Look closely, she is actually a ticket-
giver. Why isn't her job automated yet!?

It's not that the tolls are too high, but that there are even tolls at all. Why does it costs $1 to drive from Worcester to Cambridge on the Mass Pike, when I could take a slightly longer route (with less traffic) for free? Or, even better, I could reduce my carbon footprint and avoid the costs of parking by using the commuter rail!

It's not like that toll money is being used to keep the highway in pristine condition. It is in no better shape than 95 or 93, and those don't have tolls. No, that money is being used to PAY THE TOLL COLLECTORS. And provide them with dry-cleaning! And dental plans! It's just a needless loop that benefits no one. If there were no tolls, there would be no toll collectors. Problem solved. Plus, no one wants to be a toll colector. They are probably the most miserable-looking people on Earth. I would love that job, though. Just pop in some earbuds and enjoy the scenery. Maybe have some fun by putting on a ski mask and aiming a water gun through the window, demanding $0.55 to get off at route 84.






#4 Music and Movies

Ah, the days when people recorded
music off the radio. Let's go back to that

It's tough to convince me that a CD is worth $16 these days. Who even uses CDs anymore? Everyone is digital now, but even the $9.99 iTunes prices seem high. Especially when the artist is encouraging you to steal as much music as you can because record companies see almost all of the sales money. So really, what right does some corporate CEO have to charge me money to listen to Brand New when the guys in the band aren't seeing any percentage of that money? Sure, they got money up front to create the album, but is that money on par with the sales from that album? Doubtful. So let's keep encouraging new artists to use the internet to spread their work and let us enjoy it. Unless they are named Justin Bieber, in which case let the record companies charge whatever they want; I'm not buying it anyway.

But it doesn't stop with music. You know how much a movie ticket costs? The last time I went (to see the Adjustment Bureau), I paid $10.50. Why? What has changed since a ticket was $7? If anything, movies today are worse (as evidenced by The King's Speech apparently being the best this year) and people are going to see them less frequently. And the ticket isn't even the worst part; that award goes to the concessions. Seriously, why do M&Ms cost 4x more at a movie theater? That's why, regardless of the season, I wear my winter jacket with secret inside pockets so I can smuggle in my own food and drinks. Take that, movie industry! I guess I'm like the Che Guevara of media!


#3 Designer Bags

Yea, spend all your money
on Louis Vuitton. See you
on Surreal Life season 19!

At the risk of sounding chauvinistic, can any woman actually give me a legitimate reason for expensive designer bags? I understand that a lot of fashion accessories are expensive, and I have spent a lot of money on sneakers, but at least I'm buying them because they are comfortable, too! A bag is just a status symbol, and it's shameful that women buy into that. It's fine to have a nice bag for formal occasions, but when you have several that aren't even being used, why waste the money? Just because Kim Kardashian has one doesn't mean everyone should. She has a sex tape too, but I don't see women lining up to make those...

So let me just illustrate how absurd the prices can be. This Prada bag, found in 3 seconds using Google Shopping, costs $1500. Why? It's literally just a white piece of fabric in which some spoiled or delusional woman will keep her makeup and phone. Oh, it's made of calfskin? I could literally buy a cow for 2/3 the cost of that bag, find a bull to impregnate it, and use the resulting calf hide to make 10 more bags. What kind of overheads does Prada have?




#2 Education

The only students who use this place are
artist-rendered.

This one is a bit disturbing. I was flipping through some stuff in my grandparent's attic a couple years ago and found a course catalog for Tufts University. It costs, like, $100 per class. Nowadays, it's something like $2000 per credit, and you need approximately 1 million to graduate. Seriously though, education isn't the problem; it will "open new doors in your life" or "broaden your horizons", or whatever the guidance counsellor tells kids today. Everyone should consider higher education. The problem isn't even that college has become some kind of 4-year ticket to an adult amusement park. Seriously, it's the only socially-acceptable time in a person's life when they can drink, sleep, and not give a shit whenever hey feel like it. With a little homework sprinkled in.

The real problem is that colleges try to accommodate their students too much. Probably half our tuitions are used toward new recreational facilities and student centers. Only losers hang out in the student center, and I don't want to have to be in debt for 30 years so those losers can have 60-inch plasma TVs in their loser-headquarters. And if you go to a D3 school, there should only be intramural sports. No one who plays a division 3 sport will go on to athletic greatness - it's just costing me extra money to let others think they are good at football for a little while longer.


#1 Car Repairs

"This here is the cheapest part of the car,
but since you don't know that, it will
probably cost a grand."

I'm not talking about serious fixes on parts like transmissions or engines; I'm talking about the little things, like windows, the air vents, or even the paint. This whole low five was inspired by a recent event in my life. Someone decided to needlessly smash my drivers-side window. Without even stealing anything! Come on man, it's one thing to break in so you can take whatever useless stuff you can find in my car, but it's completely unacceptable to break my window just for fun. But the point is, my insurance didn't cover glass damage so the auto-glass place told me it would cost $690 out-of-pocket. Are you kidding me? That's probably almost as much as the value of my entire car!

So why is it that no one is doing anything about these ridiculous costs for auto repairs? Could all those grease-monkeys secretly be geniuses that collude to ensure they can charge whatever they want for their highly-specialized skills? As long as Universal Technical Institute (UTI, when it burns to pee? seriously?) exists and continues to advertise during Maury Povich, I can't believe it. But to all those cranky guys working at Meineke and Pep Boys, all I ask is that you do the job right so I don't have to keep coming back with the same problem. Because next time, I will find your house and drive my broken car through your bedroom wall. Then YOU can deal with the contractor who is going to charge whatever he wants to fix it...




So if you are strapped for cash, just blame something from this list. But do NOT trade in your gold for cash at Cash4Gold - that's actually how the James Bond villain Goldfinger began his plot to bankrupt all of Europe and rob Fort Knox. That place cannot be trusted.

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