Need Less: Decaf Coffee,

What are your intentions decaf? The primary purpose of coffee is to help you wake up and get going. And you don't do that? Is the taste of coffee so overwhelmingly unbelievable that even if it doesn't wake you up you just need to drink it?

I don't get it. It's like you're trying to get people to drink you by being something you're not. Maybe people don't want the caffeine, but want to look cool in front of their co-workers. That's just thinking like a teenage chick who's trying to hard: "You mean that if I, like, fake like I'm drinking, people might, like, actually think I'm cool, and I'll get all, like popular?" Do adults suffer from peer pressure too? It just doesn't make sense to me.

And what's even worse? My not so good friend non-alcoholic beer.

Why do people drink beer? Because it's sterile and I like the taste. Because it's delicious and it gets you drunk. I've never had O'Doul's, but I know it does neither. Even if there was a delicious beer that had zero ability to incapacitate you and force you to make horrible decisions, I could see how that would still be popular. But when I look at O'Doul's I just don't see it as a beer that tastes anything close to resembling good. And there's 2 apostrophes in the name. That should tell you all you need to know.

Even Diet Coke has some sort of purpose because it has less sugar (but tastes like ass). So decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer? I'm calling you out. It's time to man up and stop screwing around. When it's time to get down to business no one likes surprises.