high five: apparently Oregon is awesome?

So my job search is coming along slowly, and some of the bigger companies aren't looking to hire new graduates in the Boston area. As such, I have been forced to picture myself living in other states (not Texas though. I refuse to go there). Well, I may have found the most underrated state in the US; it's like a hybrid of Great Britain, New England, and California. That's right, I'm talking about Oregon...

Now I'm not saying that Oregon is for everyone; it's cloudy, it's cities are very liberal, and takes a long time to drive to anywhere else. But as someone who has lived in (and enjoyed) New England for my whole life, constant weather is something I could get used to, even if it is rainy and cool. So here are five reasons that, in my opinion, Oregon is sneaky-awesome...

#5 - History

Nothing's worse on a hot June day than a case of dysentery.
Sorry Nicole, no diarrhea in the car. Start walking...

Everyone knows how to get to Oregon; take the Trail! That's right, I am using the popular computer game as a reason for living in the state of Oregon, and while it may not be a great reason, it seemed like a good way to start the list. Plus, if people decided to risk their own lives and the lives of their families to leave an established society on the East coast and head to this state, it must have been for a damn good reason. The trials and tribulations of these brave settlers (and the obnoxiousness of the natives - seriously, that's the going rate for a river crossing? I'll ford it) have been retold through the wonders of modern technology, and will guide me on my own quest.

It's pretty obvious at this point that if I ever have to move to Oregon, I am absolutely mapping out the trail and following it. My four companions and I will start the trip with 1 alternate set of clothing for all to share, no spare parts for the car, and a shitload of ammo. We'll set off at a grueling pace with meager rations (McDonald's dollar menu), and stop at all the check points in an attempt to trade some of our useless ammunition. And just like in the game, if you get a snake bite, deal with it; this wagon ain't stopping. Learn to be more vigilant in the tall grass. Those who survive the journey will join me in enjoying the next four benefits of our new life in Oregon.



#4 - Sports 

Timbers fans are among the most intimidating in the MLS...

Yeah, Portland didn't lose their NBA team like some other notable Pacific Northwest cities (sorry, Seattle). The Trailblazers have a freakish cult following, even if at any given point of the season, 60% of the starting line-up is injured. And they are starting a rich tradition of epically bad draft decisions; they have passed on Michael Jordan and Kevin Durant. And yet, they have a crazy basketball scene. Plus, Nike is headquartered in Oregon, so you are bound to see some big name athletes rolling through once in a while, as long as you stay in the few populated areas.

More big sports news hitting Oregon; MLS expansion team! The Portland Timbers will probably be sitting at the bottom of the standings by the end of the summer, but it's not their fault that the MLS loves to over-expand. And MLS fans have yet to legitimize the sport by throwing flares at opposing goalies and chanting expletive-laced songs throughout the game. So if soccer isn't your thing (i.e., you're American), Portland also has a roller derby team called the Rose City Rollers. I don't really know how this game works, but I assume it consists of attractive women trying to kill each other on roller skates. Hey, I'll give them a chance.


#3 - Portlandia
Yes, I understand it's a sketch comedy show that makes fun of the hipster culture of Oregon, but that would make living in Portland even better. Just re-enact entire skits from the show and see what kind of reaction you get. I would love to pull up at a red light with my windows down and the "Dream of the 90's is Alive in Portland" song (see youtube clip below) blasting. I honestly feel like the people of Portland embrace the show and enjoy it the way I do. Yes, some people are too concerned with the quality of life of the chickens they eat. But those people are fun to mock.

So even if people dislike the show, there is the off chance you could run into Fred Armisen (one of the most underrated SNL cast members) or Carrie Brownstein (I may or may not have a giant crush on her) while shooting. Who knows, if you meet them, you could show Carrie what a funny, down-to-Earth guy you are and she would see how much you both have in common, and that she should jump at the chance to date a guy like you. Oh sorry, did I write that? I meant you could be an extra in one of the hide-and-seek league sketches and forever be immortalized on a Portlandia Season 1 DVD. Honestly, it's probably my best shot at ever appearing on TV unless I go crazy and try to rob a McDonald's with a sword and end up on the news getting tasered.


#2 - Sustainability
I'm a big proponent of sustainable design in American culture; I did write a whole low five on movie/tv characters that had the worst effects on our environment. So when Portland offers to front up to 80% of the installation costs for residential solar panels and makes space for 20 farmers markets in various communities, I am thoroughly impressed. These are the programs that will help make a difference; not Leonardo DiCaprio buying a Prius (the carbon footprint of a new Prius is ridiculous. The ore to make those batteries travels, like, 80,000 miles before you ever drive the car) or Adrian Grenier making some TV series about the Earth.

It's a hybrid; part wheelchair, part
tricycle. Sweet flag sold separately.

So all that "green" stuff is all well and good, but probably the best program under Portland's sustainability website is the management of old people. These people are seriously undermining the sustainability of our society; they either drive too slow and cause extra traffic or drive stright into buildings and cause damage and injury. And when they aren't out terrorizing the world in their cars, they are mindlessly watching TV. Sure, they are lonely and TV is the only thing that will talk to them, but isn't their time better spent making our cities look nicer? Portland thinks so, and they have a program to encourage the elderly to work in gardens and spend time in parks. And instead of driving, they should use these bikes that look like they easily and conveniently convert to stretchers.  Kudos to you Portland, for tapping this overlooked and under-appreciated energy source...


#1 - Politicians
Generally speaking, I hate politics. I'm all in favor of a really smart dictator; I think that'll run more efficiently, as long as he/she doesn't have any burning hatred of other cultures or ideologies. So maybe I'm the last person to know about this, but apparently some Oregon state lawmakers have secretly been Rick Roll-ing other politicians, lobbyists, and journalists in their speeches. Just watch the youtube clip below, it's one of the greatest moments in the history of US politics. These representatives just continue to prove my point that people in Oregon have a great sense of humor. I mean, how did that one guy fit "your heart's been aching" into the context of a serious speech? Pure genius.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make here is that if I lived in Oregon, election season would be one of the most exciting times of the year. If these guys are pranking people while they're already IN office, just imagine what kind of tricks they'll pull in order to get elected. I like my politics infused with humor; that's why I watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report instead of CNN or Fox News (haha, right, like I would ever watch Fox News...). So elected officials of Oregon, I applaud you, and look forward to your crank election calls.

I think I made a pretty compelling argument for a life in Oregon. In fact, I expect to hear from their tourism department any day now with a full-time job offer. And if I don't, Oregon can expect a scathing low five to undo all the good publicity I have given them.

In the mean time, read my old fives, add them to StumbleUpon, and help me become a famous amateur blogger!