high five: athletic animation

So early April is arguably the best time on the sports calendar, with NBA and NHL playoffs right around the corner, March Madness coming to an end, and baseball season opening day (note: October is also good, sometimes all 4 major sports play at the same time). So I want to do a sports-themed high five because I am in such a good mood; we are going to go through the five cartoon characters that are best-equipped to conquer the sports realm.

I'll start out with an honorable mention; Pikachu. What sport could this tiny electric creature possibly excel in? Jockeying. Pikachus weigh practically nothing, even less than those freakish humans that normally pursue careers in horse-racing. Plus, Pikachus can use some electric attack on the horse to give it an extra jolt of energy. Don't worry, horses are ground-based animals so the electric attacks aren't very effective. But why is this only an honorable mention, you ask? Because jockeys are the 1800's version of NASCAR drivers; they're just along for the horse-powered ride around an oval track. No one ever says, "Wow, did you see how he steered that horse around corner number 2?! It was incredible..."

#5 Sterling Archer

His archery skills are of a higher quality than this picture

I can't resist a good pun, so obviously the cartoon secret agent is going to have to be a competitive archer. It's just too fitting. He is great at darts, so he must have excellent vision and accuracy. He is trained in an array of weaponry, so I have to assume he has experience with a bow. He enjoys a lifestyle of alcohol and women, so archery won't require too much dedication to fitness. There's no way he is giving up expensive prostitutes and hard liquor, so at least he won't be expected to spend much time in the gym. In fact, I think practicing drunk could be beneficial.

So Sterling Archer would make a great archer. But why would he WANT to be an archer? This is a guy who excels at pretty much everything he does, from lacrosse to espionage and everything in between. Well, here's why; throughout the first two seasons of Archer, he consistently references the awesomeness of Burt Reynolds. What does Burt use to kill the toothless, deranged "squeal like a pig" backwater hicks in Deliverance? That's right, a bow. Would Sterling ever pass at the chance to follow in the glorious footsteps of one Burt Reynolds? I think not. Pencil him in for Olympic gold in 2012.



#4 Road Runner

No arms. I guess it'll have to carry the ball in it's mouth.

Great speed, makes defenders miss, has a limited vocabulary - Road Runner has all the makings of an NFL receiver! I mean, if it were to show up at the combine, the Runner would break the 40-yd record by a full second. If offensive coordinators could just figure out a way to get RR (that's what I'm calling it now. All players need a stupid nickname based off their initials) to catch the ball, it'd be unstoppable. Revis Island? Road Runner goes there for relaxing vacations...

So the real problem is going to be controlling this animal's personal life. Just think, it's going to be exposed to an entirely new world, full of wealth and luxury and child support payments and strip club shootings. This is a simple bird from the desert; it won't know what to do with $8 million and the 24/7 coverage of the media. For all we know, RR will let his ego get the best of him and start changing his name to spanish words and starring in reality-tv shows. Then, when it's guard is down, Wile E. Coyote will make his move. ESPN Bottomline ticker: Cowboys wide receiver Road Runner pronounced dead from injuries sustained from piano the fell from sky. ACME Heavy Objects manufacturer being questioned by FBI.


#3 Aang

So, uh, just replace that baby seal with some skis...

Maybe you aren't familiar with Aang; he is the last Airbender and star of the worst career movie Dev Patel could ever make (a.k.a., Avatar 3D, the latest piece of shit M. Night Shyamalan has directed). Well the cartoon version of the last Airbender is a great show, and it's main character has the ability to control wind, water, fire and earth in order to defeat the forces of evil. Well, once he is done doing that, I'm pretty sure he can parlay those skills into a decent downhill skiing career. By the way, how is that even a sport? It's more like a dare you would make with a really drunk friend. "Hey, I bet you can't put on these skis, get a ton of speed and momentum, hit this huge ramp, and NOT die on the landing..."

So controlling fire is straightforward, he can just shoot some out of his hands (makes very little sense in the context of the cartoon, too) like little rockets to propel him down the slope and gain mach 3 speeds. For water, he can control the snow, I guess to make it smoother and icier to reduce friction and speed loss? Once he approaches the ramped section, he can control the earth beneath him to launch him even higher into the air. And obviously, once in the air he can fly, rendering all other element-bending somewhat pointless. And if he still manages to lose, he can just lay waste to the whole competition with his flame-throwing and rock-smashing abilities. You hear that, Olympic downhill skiers? You better just forfeit.


#2 The Ninja Turtles

These turtles even look like gymnasts! And no one wants
to be Donatello, that loser ribbon dancer.

Fighting crime with samurai weapons isn't considered a sport, but that doesn't mean these turtles aren't athletes; do you have any idea how flexible and strong you have to be to do back handsprings and roundhouse kicks with a rigid shell on your back? I don't even like walking upstairs with a backpack on. And for a turtle to even use a katana sword, it would need amazing body control and focus; those things aren't toys and you can't just buy them anywhere. Oh wait, you can. Just go to Hampton Beach, you can buy a Ninja Turtles beach towel and a set of ninja stars at the same store...

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is the Ninja Turtles make a perfect gymnastics team. Leonardo will take the balance beam, and because he is the leader we can count on him to stick a perfect landing on a broken foot or whatever that 14-year-old was whining about (sweetheart, it's the Olympics - no excuses, play like a champion. I don't care if bones are sticking out of your shin, you stick that landing and act like you've been there before). Michaelangelo can put his nun-chuck wrist-strength to use on the rings and Raphael will man the uneven bars. That leaves Donatello on the floor exercise/ribbon dance because he chose a kendo stick for his primary weapon. Seriously, you have any number of blades and sharp objects at your disposal, but you choose a bamboo stick? Hard to look tough with that, especially when everyone around you has a legitimate weapon. And of course the turtles would have Splinter as their coach/sensei.


#1 Catdog

That looks like an really uncomfortable
running posture, but whatever...

Want to know the secret to winning a marathon? Have another species attached to the lower half of your body. Seriously, Catdog has the perfect set-up for distance running. First off, it's part dog, and they love running. Throw a stick, and dogs will just start chasing it. For pretty much no reason. It's a stick, get over it. Second of all, it's part cat, and cats have exceptional balance and agility, as well as 9 lives. So this would probably be more applicable to a steeplechase, where you need to jump over water traps and barricades and climb trees or whatever. And third, Catdog has 2 distinct set of running legs. That means lactic acid buildup (when your muscles start to burn) won't be a problem. Cat's legs will just tag in when Dog's legs get tired. So basically, Catdog only has to run half-marathons.

But the final piece of the perfect marathoner puzzle, and perhaps the most important, is a strong bowel system. Ever hear about, or worse yet, see pictures of the woman who lost control of her bowels while running and had to finish the race with shoes full of feces? I'm pretty sure Dante's fifth circle of Hell consisted of tormented souls running in an endless ring of their own shit. Well, Catdog has no bowel system, so it can run without fear of pushing it's body to embarrassing limits.


I'll admit, that list didn't turn out as well as I had hoped; coming up with original ideas is harder than you'd think. If you have any ideas for me, definitely let me know, because I suddenly have less time to kill by writing dumb blog lists. But don't worry, my faithful readers. I will not abandon you! I just need some new inspiration...