low five: what idiot allows this crap on tv?

So thanks to an endless stream of radio commercials, news stories, and facebook updates about "The Voice" and the royal wedding, I've started to wonder who decides what mindless tv show ideas get greenlit and who decides to pull the plug on stuff like "Freaks and Geeks". Based on some of the recent atrocities to get a shot at primetime, I think the manatee writers from that South Park episode got a raise and now are Cable executives.

While I don't watch a ton of tv, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly so I have an idea of what is on and what looks incredibly stupid. I usually wait a couple years, see what shows turn out to be good, and watch entire seasons online in a matter of a couple days. For example, Two weeks ago I had never seen an episode of "Community"; now I'm completely caught up to a show that is airing it's 40-something-ith episode this week. Here are 5 shows I will never take seriously, and why...

#5 American Idol
What a terrible, terrible idea for a television show. The only thing worse than the show itself is how it has maintained it's popularity in this country. I don't understand why people would want to watch amateurs try their hand at real artists' hits. I love music too much to sit through an almost-as-good version of Cee Lo's "Fuck You" (radio version, of course - it's a family show). Until they force the contestants to write their own songs, and possibly even play their own instruments, I'm not interested. Remember people, this is the show that forced Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini into our lives.

And this is the part where you all point out that the early episodes are like candy to people who love to mock other (delusional) people for following their dreams. But I could do that with youtube. Watch the clip below and you'll see what I mean. Like, I would love to see Taylor Swift's reaction to the cold-blooded murder of "Should've Said No". This girl either has the greatest sense of humor of all time or an incredible ability to rationalize all the horrible comments on that video as pure jealousy. The point is, if I want to watch terrible singers, I'll use youtube, and if I want to hear real music I'll use iTunes.

"Nailed it..."

#4 Teen Mom

Someone doesn't learn
from past mistakes, huh?

Even though accidentally getting a girl pregnant is in my top 2 worst nightmares, I find "16 and Pregnant" somewhat interesting. What is completely unnecessary is an entirely new show following the lives of these girls after they give birth; the show is as terrible as most of the girls' futures. Anyone want to watch a teen mom who physically abuses her baby-daddy and whines about how hard the GED is? Like, the GED should be required in order to give birth; we need some form of modern natural selection.

So basically this show is like a really sad high school soap opera. And isn't the point of a teen soap opera to make kids imagine how awesome it'd be if that was their life? Everything always works out for tv characters, but in Teen Mom nothing is revealed to actually be a dream, no parents once thought to be dead return to save the day, no James Franco cameos. It's just real life misery, and who wants to come home from work and watch a dvr'd episode of people with broken dreams and bleak realities? Eh, who am I kidding, MTV probably pays for everything they need, like anger management classes and terrible tattoos.


#3 America's Next Top Model

If you are hot and can stand,
you can be a model....

I'm proud to say I've never seen a full episode of this show; who would want to? It's the only show on tv that can ruin hot girls for me. Is there anything worse in life than people with no recognizable skills who believe they are talented and artistic? Their real job is to maintain their natural beauty for the short window of their lives when it can earn them a living. I wish my full-time job was to eat healthy, work out, and smile for the camera. If anything, each model should be paired with a photographer contestant, since that's the aspect of model shoots that requires talent and vision...

And as if watching the petty squabbling of starving, life-sized Bratz dolls isn't enough to illicit a channel-change, then Tyra Banks' over-the-top insanity should do the trick. In one model judging, she'll run the gamut of emotions: from sadness to joy; anger to disappointment; self-affirmation to whatever feelings accompany the realization that you are a D-list talk show host who is pseudo-famous for being hot at one point in life. Watching it unfold is as exhausting as reading that last sentence...



#2 Anything that starts with "CSI"
Some people think this show is based on facts. As if every detective and crime scene investigator is handsome/gorgeous, between the ages of 24 and 40, and never wrong. And they work in beautifully designed labs lit with blue and green ambient lighting, which is not amenable for conducting real science. If that were true, why would anyone ever bother to commit a crime? I mean, these people walk onto a crime scene, spot a pube from 30 feet away using their 20/20 eagle vision, and have a suspect after 10 minutes of lab analysis. Meanwhile, police in my town couldn't catch a predator if Chris Hanson lured them into the prison cell and got a semen sample and a full confession on tape.

Really, my biggest problem with this whole tv series in David Caruso; the only full CSI episode I have ever seen has been of the Miami variety, and I couldn't turn away from the train-wreck that was unfolding on-screen. First of all, what is a ginger doing in the hottest, sunniest city in the United States? If this show was remotely accurate, Horatio would get melanoma and retire after episode 2. And his acting style is basically <head lowered>"start my line looking down", <raises head> "then raise my head and occasionally put on sunglasses to finish the sentence", literally every time he speaks. You will never be able to un-notice it now.

#1 Deal or No Deal

Best to use gloves when
interacting with the
commoners

If I'm going to watch a game show where other people get to win money, it better give me the opportunity to feel smarter than the contestant (Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader), or at least feel adequately intelligent (Jeopardy!). Why would I want to watch a show where some loser gets to win a million dollars on chance? Like, to win Deal or No Deal, you don't have to be smart, you have to be stupid and greedy. If I'm offered $100,000 guaranteed or a 50/50 shot at $1 million, I'll thank Howie for paying off my student loans and leave with a comically-large check.

That leads me to my next reason for hating Deal or No Deal - Howie Mandel and his suitcase models. Howie has that ridiculous soul patch/bald head combo and a pierced ear that says "Hi, I believe I'm awesome, but really I'm just hitting my midlife crisis and the end of my career simultaneously". Plus, he has "OCD", which is really just his subtle way of treating his fans like toilets; he literally refuses to touch either because he thinks they are dirty. And his little suitcase wenches desperately cling to their brief camera time by drawing out the case opening, then looking at the card and fake-reacting to it. After, like, 10 minutes she finally shows the contestant that they lost $999,999 and gets a chance to put those acting classes to the test with one line: "Awww". Then cut to the contestants face while he is deciding between slow and painless carbon monoxide poisoning or a quick but painful bridge jump.


Second low five in a week?! If you haven't read my last one, click here. If you have read my last one, click anyway so I can get more pageviews...