high CINCO: shout-out to latin america

Remember back in middle school when you had to make the pivotal decision to learn either Spanish or French? Well, I don't see anyone using any French holidays as an excuse to get drunk and smash piñatas. And don't even try to make an argument for Bastille Day; it's too close to the 4th of July, and French food is the worst.

So, today is Cinco de Mayo, and I couldn't resist adding a little latin flavor to the blog. I know this is primarily a Mexican thing, but I'm gonna go ahead and extend the theme to include Central and South America, because frankly I am finding it tough to think of five great things to come out of Mexico. So if you are planning on calling me out on the accuracy of my Cinco de Mayo observance, you should probably just stop reading now; I already have your pageview statistic, I don't care if you read past this sentence (although you should because it'll be worth it).

#5 - burritos

Beautiful, just beautiful. They don't call it the
Homewrecker for nothing...

The burrito is easily the best of the tortilla-meat-cheese combinations that make up 90% of Mexican food. It's all in the packaging; the foil and tortilla wrap is like a cocoon of deliciousness, filled with chicken, cheese, rice, and various vegetables. Tacos fall apart as soon as you try to eat them, especially the hard shelled variety. How do you eat a taco in public without looking like a Survivor contestant devouring something besides rice for the first time in 40 days? Plus, basically all of the food pyramid is covered by burrito ingredients, so it can't be that bad for you, right? RIGHT?

Now, when I want a burrito, I head for either Moe's or Chipotle; they are basically even in my book, though they have pretty different styles. Chipotle will scoop a reasonable amount of whatever you want in your burrito, and then add just a little bit more so that it won't fold right and disintegrate when you are close to finishing. Moe's has mastered the art of size, and they shout "Welcome to MOOOOOE'S" at you when you walk in. But the locations are annoyingly remote; unless I'm in Worcester, it's really inconvenient to find any nearby Moe's.




#4 - immigrants (legal and otherwise)

Screw Halloween, America needs more Día de los Muertos.

I am a pretty liberal person; if you want to cross the border into this country and "steal" our jobs, that's fine with me. I don't see that many American citizens lining up for janitor and landscape jobs. These people make our country work, but politicians love to scheme up new ways to keep them out of a land founded on the idea of freedom. I guess all the white people here forgot that this country exists in its current state because British, French, and Spanish explorers anchored their ships on these shores and immediately set about forcing the NATIVE Americans out.

So I'm all about Latino immigrants and the culture they bring here. It's cool that the MLS has a Chivas team, the same way it's cool that Boston has the Celtics. It reflects the heritage of the city and the fans, and makes these cities more unique. Only thing we don't need here is more gangs. The Latin Kings need to go, and so do the Bloods and Crips; I don't understand what these gangs even do. At least the Mafia runs casinos and stuff; they try to make money instead of just arbitrarily killing people wearing their rivals' colors, and I can respect that. But now I'm gonna go buy some red, blue, black, and gold clothes so I don't get shot for speaking ill of these fine cultural institutions.


#3 - vacation destinations 

Eventually, Mayans found the coast and decided to abandon
their pyramids. Or at least that's what I think happened...

When I'm shoveling record-setting amounts of snow in Massachusetts and wondering why I still live in a region that experiences weather ranging from 10 to 90 degrees, my mind wanders to sunny, tropical destinations like the Costa Rica, Pueto Rico, and the Mexican Riviera. Is there anywhere better to vacation to? Beautiful beaches and weather just a few hours away by plane, and everyone basically speaks English to accommodate tourism. Gotta love when other countries adapt to our way of life...

And in Mexico, you can go tour Aztec and Mayan ruins and learn something while getting a tan. I mean, the Mayans taught themselves calculus and astronomy, and predicted the end of the world. What are Mexicans doing now? Chillin' on the beach enjoying their homeland. Obviously, they discovered math and science, used it to build stuff, and then realized "Hey, we live in a tropical climate near beaches and jungles. Screw math, let's go swimming!". Sure, there's the danger of intelligent, flesh-eating plants (See; The Ruins, novel and movie), but if you keep a lighter and machete handy, it shouldn't be a problem.


#2 - fútbol (and fútsal)
Admit it. You watched at least some of the World Cup last year. And you liked it! That's because Latin American countries know how to play the game. I would know, I play with enough international students at school to know their style. Scoring a pretty goal is just as important as scoring a goal; that's why I don't usually watch American soccer. Our best goal of the World Cup was called back on a terrible off-sides call, and our most celebrated goal was a hideous rebound by Landon Donovan to advance past the first round.

Meanwhile, Diego Forlán was piling up ridiculous goals, and while Uruguay placed fourth, a good portion of the soccer community agrees that they played the most entertaining game in the tournament. That's really more important than winning, in my opinion. Sure, Spain won the tournament, but it was an ugly final that most people won't remember. I'd rather have my team score a couple highlight-reel goals. And speaking of highlight reels, check out this fútsal compilation - it's like street soccer, and basically a showcase of individual talent. All those moves that soccer players can do but have no place in a real game? That's fútsal, and it's incredible...

#1 - supermodels

Aforementioned models receiving ceremonial key
to every man's heart.

Gisele Bundchen. Adriana Lima. Alessandra Ambrosia. Must be something in the water in Brazil, because that country just cranks out beautiful women at an alarming pace. You want to talk about immigrants taking American jobs, how about the lineup of Victoria's Secret models? Come on, American models, you gotta step up your game if you want to keep pace!

I'm usually not a big fan of celebrities and models who get paid to look beautiful; I think that, given the time and resources, a lot of people could do the same. But I think some of these Latin American girls have this natural beauty that deserves to be celebrated in the form of dorm posters and Maxim magazine covers. And they aren't just looks, either; Gisele had a larger income than Tom Brady last year, so she is clearly a savvy business woman. And Tom Brady is the ultimate man, he could have any woman he wants. But he saw enough in her personality to marry her, so it must be more than skin-deep with Gisele. The more I write about it, the more jealous I am getting, so I'm just gonna stop. What else is there to say, really?


So there you have it - I'm ready to move to South America. I can only imagine a typical day - head to the beach for the morning, get a burrito for lunch, and then go to a soccer game where more time is spent watching all the beautiful women cheering than is spent actually watching the game. Not bad for one day, I'd say. ¡Díos mio, y viva Cinco de Mayo!

If you're in the mood for something darker and more cynical, read my last low five here.
Stay tuned for a new low five tomorrow!