Back From the Dead: Low Five Halloween Characters

Halloween, what better day to bring this blog back from the dead? That's right, after a 5 month hiatus, the League is back. The Gentleman have done some discussing, and we hope to bring you better content on a routine basis. Round one was a good learning experience, but we definitely hit a wall, creatively, and couldn't keep the blistering pace we initially set. So we are going to pace ourselves now, and maybe we won't disappear for 5 month stretches.

Now that I've laid out our plan to pace ourselves, I have a SPECIAL TWO-PART HIGH/LOW FIVE. Yep, already breaking our own rules we just made. But it's a holiday, and I couldn't decide between doing best or worst horror movie characters, so I did both. Consider it my treat to you, no costume necessary. Up first, worst characters, meaning I'm completely unworried about encountering them in real life.


#5 - Michael Myers

How long did it take to get upstairs? 15 minutes?

It makes me mad to watch the 'Halloween' movies - how could anyone be killed by Michael Myers? He is literally the slowest thing I've ever seen move. Glaciers could escape from Myers. He should take over for those turtles in the Comcast high speed internet commercials.

And to top it all off, he kills people on Halloween. In his home town. Routinely. The people of Haddonfield are almost too stupid to function. Like, this murderer keeps killing people in your town on Halloween. And he's slow as shit. Why don't you figure out some legitimate plan to handle this situation? And when you think you've killed him, make sure of it; it's called the Double Tap and it worked for Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland. When you assume you've killed Michael Myers, you make an ass of you and leave an opening for yet another sequel in this shitty franchise.



#4 - Chucky 

You're just gonna let that Cabbage Patch Kid kill you?
I'm embarrassed for you.

It's a doll. Being killed by a doll is downright embarrassing. Isn't the obvious solution to return the killer children's toy to the store where you bought it? Even if you don't have a receipt, maybe you can get store credit. Worst case scenario, Chucky kills the customer service woman who refuses to give you your money back because you don't have the original packaging. But even then, others will believe you when you claim a doll is trying to kill you.

Really though, how hard could it be to destroy a stuffed toy? I managed to do it all the time as a kid, and not even on purpose. Hell, just get a dog, dogs love eating stuff animals and shit. If it really came down to it, you could always just throw together a makeshift flamethrower and burn Chucky. All you need is a lighter and a can of Axe body spray. Sometimes you just have to step back, look at things objectively, and say to yourself "This is a doll. I am going to end it's doll life because I am a goddamn human! I can do this.."


#3 - Wolfman

Thanks to Twilight, not even teenage girls are afraid of you

When the moon is full, a seemingly normal man is transformed to a bloodthirsty beast hellbent on destruction... If only we had some way of predicting when this terrible transformation will happen! Wait, Ben Franklin basically covers it in his farmers almanac? What's that, even the Mayans had been making calendars thousands of years ago and could've told you when to expect a full moon? Oh, well then...

So if you know what day there will be a full moon, why even risk going out? It's one day a month maybe, just stay in, lock your doors, and arm yourself. Don't go out for a late night stroll. Don't park in a dark, secluded place to make out with your girlfriend. That's asking for trouble. If you can't figure out how to avoid a werewolf, then you kind of deserve to be killed by one.


#2 - Girl from 'The Ring'

This is gonna come off as really creepy, but this girl is
actually hot now. Google it.

So if you watch this video tape, a girl will come out of your TV and kill you... That's fine, I don't even own a VCR. I don't even know someone who owns a VCR. Seriously, unless some complete asshole decided to copy that video to a dvd, I think society is safe from Samara. She clearly didn't think her plan through very well, you don't want to choose technology as your mode of haunting... Shit changes like every 3 weeks. I don't even want to get a new iPhone because I already want the next model even before it's been planned, designed, and produced.

All that being said, The Ring is one of the scariest movies I've seen. I remember seeing it in theaters when I was probably in middle school and having to walk home from my cousin/neighbor's house after. Between our houses was 3 acres of woods, and those 3 acres were the foundation of my illustrious high school track career. I hold the unofficial record for the Boutwell Street dash, clocking in around 7 second, by my estimate.


#1 - House from 'House' aka Hausu
You just have to watch the trailer for this movie. There's really nothing I can say that's funnier than this 1977 Japanese horror movie trailer, because it's seriously meant to be scary. Like, that fat guy totally got electrocuted! You could see his skeleton! And that piano just ate that girl, holy shit!

 

So there it is, the least scary, most ridiculous "character" from a horror movie. Gotta love the Japanese, pioneering special effects like "cat poster that spews blood"; that's an old Hollywood classic now. But hey, if you want to know the five best horror movie characters, check back in this afternoon for the high five!