Back From the Dead: High Five Halloween Characters

Okay, here's the part 2 that I promised. Click here for part 1, in case you missed it. But now I'm ranking the best horror movie characters. And I'm defining 'best' as a character that I would genuinely be afraid of encountering in real life if they actually existed; plausibility gets no consideration. So without further ado...

#5 - Megan Fox in 'Jennifer's Body'

I think I could look past the whole
"I'm a demon trying to kill you" thing

Yep, it's an awful movie. There's no denying that fact. But if there actually was some demon-possessed girl that I went to school with or worked with, I'd be hard-pressed to stay away. Like, even if I saw her sprout fangs and dragon wings, I'd probably still ask her out. What can I say, I find goth girls kind of sexy. So even if I knew the risks, I'd probably be powerless to resist. The scariest part of the movie is probably the writing; it made me cringe more than any scene in the Saw franchise. I mean it's obvious the movie is built around Megan Fox being sexy and evil, but don't let the studio interns write the script.

The creepy thing is that demons could exist and actually possess people. Who says they can't? It's kind of like a religious thing, right? And no one has disproved God. Plus,  if a demon wanted to kill a lot of people, why wouldn't it take over a hot girl? People bend over backwards to help attractive girls, and line up to spend time with them (literally, that's what a line at a bar is for...). Basically, if I was a demon who wanted to cause misery to as many people as possible, I'd possess the most attractive girl I could find and just let people come to me. I'm on to you, demons. I got you allll figured out...





#4 - Present-day Frankenstein Monster

Neck bolts are probably an antiquated
medical technology

Think about it, Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein in 1818, when treating a cold required leeches and chants and spells and stuff. If Dr. Frankenstein had the knowledge and resources available today, that monster would be pretty legit. I mean, the original couldn't even bend its knees; a 21st century version would have superhuman strength and agility, plus some kind of self-healing exoskeleton.

With the internet, you can pretty much find/lear about/buy anything you want, no matter how sketchy it is. And you know people have some pretty disturbing thoughts - someone did write 'The Human Centipede'. So who knows, maybe there is some crazy German (always German, they have a bad rep for this stuff) doctor working on some part-man part-monster atrocity to unleash on the world. And maybe he works at MIT and his monster will be terrorizing Cambridge instead of some quiet town.




#3 - Hannibal Lector

Good tipoff that he eats people: the mask barring off his mouth

Just a regular person on the outside, but he eats people. That's cool. How are you supposed to defend yourself from a cannibal? I mean, they are basically pyschopaths, but you don't find that out until they are opening up your head to eat your brain with a side of fava beans. And I have to imagine these people are literally bubbling with rage and aggression that could explode at any moment - imagine living in a world where food just walks around all day taunting you with it's deliciousness. For example, you're in the waiting room of our doctor's office, and to your left is a glazed donut with her two munchkin kids. And you can't just eat them because it's illegal. I'd go crazy in hours.

So Hannibal is definitely a scary thought. Some crazy guy is trying to eat you, what do you do? I don't even know what my first instinct is. I think I'd just be like, "What the f-, stop biting me!" and laugh. Generally, I go for jokes in uncomfortable situations. But I'm not sure when the situation would go from 'uncomfortable' to 'obviously dangerous'. I'd probably not want to be rude, and let things progress past a point of no return, and then just let the guy eat me just to end the awkwardness.



#2 - Blair Witch

I had to include this picture of the baby-eating monster from
Pan's Labyrinth because it came up in the "Jennifers Body"
image search... and I didn't want to google Blair Witch.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate witches. Seriously, that's some scary shit. A lot of times, I'll ask someone I've recently met if they would rather look out their bedroom window and see a witch walking away from their house back into the woods, or emerging from the woods into their yard. This is an effective way or demonstrating to this new friend that I am crazy, and weird shit runs through my head all the time, and sometimes it can't be contained in social settings. Anyway, the answer I choose is to see the witch coming toward my house, because you don't know all the spooky shit the witch has already done if she's walking away from you...

So because of my irrational dislike of witches, coupled with the fact that I grew up in a house literally surrounded by woods, I think the Blair Witch Project is the scariest movie I've seen. The worst part is you never even see the witch, so I don't know what to be on the lookout for. For all I know, she could look like a regular person. No one said a witch has to wear a pointed hat and ride a broom, so for all I know, the homeless people I see on the bus could be some kind of urban Blair Witch. A lot of them lack a full set of teeth, so that could explain why she pulls the teeth out of that kid and leaves them for his friends to find.


#1 - Sister from Pet Sematary
This is pretty mean. Okay, really mean. But the scariest part of Pet Sematary is, hands down, the sister with spinal meningitis. It's terrifying. I don't know why Stephen King didn't just make the whole movie about poor old Zelda, it would have been the scariest movie of all time. I mean, it's this horrifying dying woman in this musty dark room. She didn't even really do anything, and my skin was crawling. Imagine if she got up, or did something more than groan and roll over to show her back, which looks like that Star Trek character's head...

And the scariest part is that spinal meningitis is a real thing. People have that disease. I have no idea if it makes you looks like Zelda, but I'm going to assume it doesn't make you look good. So I could be at a new friend's house looking for the bathroom, and stumble upon some relative with spinal meningitis laying in bed, looking like the Crypt Keeper, groaning at me for help. That is an actual real life possibility, makes this scene all the more terrifying.

Shit starts getting weird around 0:38 mark.

So yea, basically I picked the innocent, sick sister that isn't even a real horror movie villain as my most scary character. Does that make me an asshole? Whatever, you can't disagree that she is a horrible sight. So everyone, have a happy Halloween, and if you live in Haddonfield, Illinois, expect Michael Myers tonight. Put on some running shoes and be ready to move at a brisk walk, at the very least. And if you make it through the night, you can expect a new high five once a week, because I'm gainfully employed now and I don't have the time or ideas to write any more frequently than that.