high five: countries better equipped to host the World Cup than Qatar

There were a lot of big sports news stories this past summer: the NFL locked out; the NFL locked back in; everyone fell in love with Mike Vick again; the NBA locked out and no one cared; the Bruins won the Stanley Cup (yep hockey playoffs in late June, love it); the Red Sox choked harder than a baby at the Lego Store. But in America, one big story garnered few headlines. Oh, did you not hear? FIFA is massively corrupt, so instead of playing the World Cup in a country that, you know, excels in the sport AND in accommodating human life, the voting panel decided to roll the dice and try something retarded. I mean, different. No wait, I meant retarded, my mistake.

The World Cup is going to be held in the desert. So, I hope everyone enjoys the next couple World Cups, because in 2022, it'll be the end of international soccer as we know it. All the players will die of heat exhaustion. The games will be endured in 112 degree heat and split into 3 periods in some misguided attempt to play an outdoor sport in a desert nation. Hell, some countries might not even show up, if the conflicts in the Middle East get worse. Maybe then, my beloved Faroe Islands can finally earn a spot in the finals.

#5 - South Africa, home of the Vuvuzela

We have no one to blame but ourselves

They already proved they could do it - the 2010 World Cup went pretty smoothly. Any time the biggest problem at the host country is the amount of noise the crowds make, I'd call it a success. Sure, the noise was really annoying, but that's just how the Africans roll, and we gotta respect their culture, right? I mean, the World Cup had never even been in Africa before, let them have some fun and blow on their horns. They have enough problems without everyone else in the world telling them how annoying they are. Plus, at least they have normal weather for soccer, relative to other parts of Africa.

And the vuvuzelas are probably our fault anyway. Africa is some kind of parallel universe of first world nations, like a haven for items that never should have existed. People are walking around proudly in their 19-0 Patriots shirts commemorating a Super Bowl they never won. This is our idea of chariy - here, have some shit no American in their right mind would ever use! That'll help with AIDS, hunger, and civil wars ravaging your continent, right? Does it sound like these people built and maintain a factory to make plastic horns? No, the vuvuzela was probably some attempt to unload useless 4th of July crap and feel good about helping in Darfur.




#4 - Iceland 

This makes up for enduring a Bjork
performance at the opening ceremony

Iceland's economy has been in the tank for, like, 5 years now. You can go to a 5-star hotel for a third of the normal cost! This sounds like a bargain for the everyday fan who can't normally afford to stay in a nice German hotel AND pay for game tickets AND food for the trip AND beer at the games AND medical bills from fighting hooligans. FIFA would just need to make the Icelandic government sign some contract that none of the local businesses can inflate prices for the event - if they agree, we can call it even for that whole "Icelandic volcano disrupts everything in the world for 2 weeks" bullshit that happened last year.

Aside from the obvious financial benefits for fans outside of Iceland, a World Cup in this little Scandinavian country would actually be a win for nature, too. Iceland pretty much runs off geothermal energy because it's just sitting on an underground sea of magma. Hence that whole volcano thing. So basically, the whole event could be run with zero emissions, opposed to the Qatar World Cup, where I assume everything from cars to cell phones run off oil. Plus, can you see the Aurora Borealis in Qatar? No, all you can see is sand, and if you look far enough into the horizon, you might get lucky and catch a glimpse of sand that looks like water. But it's just a mirage, nature's way of taunting you before you burn up and die.

#3 - Vatican City

Is there such a thing as soccer
pantaloons? I hope so...

Look at this picture of a Swiss Guard, and tell me the Vatican team wouldn't have the most absurd uniforms. Sure, they actually have a team, and the uniforms don't look like a frilly dress fro the 1600's but that doesn't mean they couldn't change it before 2022, especially as a way to set themselves apart. And how funny would it be to cram millions of people into the Vatican for games. Getting to the games would be easy, and you wouldn't need to travel across a whole nation to watch your team play multiple games. They'd have to renovate the Papal gardens to even have a field to play on. But the backdrop to games would be historically awesome.

Side note: in the 1986 World Cup, Diego Maradona scored one of the most famous goals in the entire sport of soccer. It is known as the Hand of God goal. I can only assume that if anyone is going to score one like Maradona's again it would be right in God's house. And it would be really cool to say I was watching live when the Hand of God 2 goal was scored. On the other hand, there's also tons of opportunity for sacrilege, something at which I truly excel (there's probably a good "cross" joke there somewhere). Imagine every time someone hits the post against team Vatican City, who wouldn't yell JESUS SAVES! It'd be like that old myth about the leprechaun that tilted the rim in the Boston Garden to favor the Celts.

#2 - Haiti 

This team came up in my image search. Apparently Haiti has a
sick amputee national team, I didn't even know those existed.

Yup, that little island that was the poorest nation in the Western hemisphere even BEFORE it was destroyed by an earthquake. That would still be better than Qatar. Wanna know why? Because playing the World Cup there would actually HELP the country. Qatar is basically owned and operated by princes and oil men; Haiti's main export is charcoal, which is literally just burnt pieces of wood. That's why deforestation is such a big problem there, people just cut down trees and burn them and boom, they're one of the few Haitians making money. In fact, they're probably upper-middle class.

Bring in the World Cup and it's billions of dollars in revenue, and it's a whole new ball game. Suddenly state of the art stadiums are being built, new hotels and resorts are getting funded, Haitians can stop destroying their surroundings for a buck and get a job in the resurgent tourism industry. Plus, Wyclef Jean will be so grateful, he'll play at the opening ceremonies and bring all his friends, like the rest of the Fugees, and Shakira maybe. Put some Qatari businessman in charge of the music, and you'll end up with whoever is most expensive at the time. So enjoy watching Justin Bieber and Paul McCartney play together (just writing it feels creepy)...

#1 - Antarctica

I know the Titanic kind of flew under the radar, but these
cruise lines need to research the effects of icebergs on ships.

So Antarctica would be a perfect venue, assuming the polar ice caps haven't melted by 2022. It's weather is better for soccer (kind of), it's a neutral site (and no host team means another open spot in qualifiers), and basically all the games will be played at night, further leveling the playing field. It would be the ultimate test to determine the best team in the world.

The other major benefit is that there are really no people in Antarctica, so all the money generated from the World Cup that normally goes to a host nation could be spent elsewhere. Yea, most of it would probably have to go toward hiring people to work all the necessary businesses to host the Cup, and to ship food and build everything. Shit, these expenses are really adding up, maybe I didn't think this through very well. Whatever, there would probably be a little money left over for some kind of charity. At least a couple of baby seals could be saved...


So maybe that last one is a terrible idea. I was just trying to think of the polar (no pun intended. Or was it?) opposite of Qatar. Whatever, deal with it.I'm just bitter that the World Cup 2022 might kill all the best players in the world thanks to heat stroke.