high five: conquering the job market, old world style!

My academic career is coming to a close in just a few months, so I've been writing a lot of cover letters and obsessing over my resume. And for some reason, it's made me wonder which Old World explorer would have the easiest time finding a job today. You gotta think "discovering a continent" pops off the page more than "proficient in Microsoft Word". These guys just sailed ships into the complete unknown, hoping to find spices. There must have been something lost in translation throughout history, because I won't walk to the kitchen for salt. Anyway, let's get into it.

#5 - Henry Hudson

"Target appreciates all your hard
 work. I really hate having to
deny your request for vacation"

Let me paint you a picture. You are camping on the coast of James Bay in Canada, which we have already identified as Cold America. Your ship is trapped in ice. It is December. There are several feet of snow on your makeshift tent. You ask yourself, Why am I here? Oh right, to map the northwest passage with this delusional prick Henry Hudson. Guess what? There is no northwest passage!

Somehow, Hudson was able to convince his crew that there was a very good reason for being stranded in northern Canada for a winter. It's a miracle he was able to stave off mutiny until the following summer. And you know who could use a guy that knows how to lie to a team of young, hardworking idealists? Target!
Ideal Career: Retail Management










#4 - Lief Ericson

"This ore was sustainably mined"

I'm pretty sure this guy was the first hipster. I mean, he discovered America before discovering America was cool. His favorite holiday is Lief Ericson day, you've probably never heard of it. His ship uses wind power because he cares about the environment. He's so far into the underground, I can't even find a picture of him online. That statue of him will have to do.

So what would a pioneering nordic hipster with vision and balls do in today's society? Direct art house films. And then bash the media for not understanding him. And for trying to rape the psyches of the nation's youth with their fascist propaganda blockbuster movies. And for not wearing enough flannel. But you wouldn't understand. Fin...
Ideal Career: Foreign Filmmaker (if you're into labels...)


#3 - Christopher Columbus

Did I mention he introduced
Europe to Syphilis?

Man, does this guy know how to spin something. His bid for funding was rejected by Portugal and England. He discovered a land on the complete opposite side of the world as his destination. He enslaved the locals and governed them with torture. He found very little of value in his New World. He never even touched ground in the United States.

And yet, the man has a national holiday in this country. Many people today believe he discovered America.  He was even viewed as a success when he returned to Spain. Putting aside the fact this guy would ace every interview he had, imagine what he could do for Hollywood's most disgraced stars. In a few years, Columbus would have this country observing National Do-lines-off-a-stripper's-ass Day while Charlie Sheen hangs out in the White House. The Jews would be lambasted by the media for provoking Mel Gibson. And Lindsey Lohan would shop for free.
Ideal Career: PR Specialist


#2 - Ferdinand Magellan

Nice tights

In Magellan's day, there was nothing more bold than an attempt to circumnavigate the globe. This was probably when people were locking away Galileo and assuring themselves that the world was flat and that God appointed the King to make them poor and miserable. Those were the days.

So Magellan didn't actually finish his voyage. It's really more about the journey anyway, right? Well on his, Magellan made all kinds of friends (except for those phillipinos that killed him) and weathered storms both figuratively and literally. And by the time of his death, he had put his accompanying fleet in the position to make history. So I'm pretty sure he can manage to take over as president of this company.
Ideal Career: CEO


#1 - Hernan Cortes

No time to smile, I have
murdering to do

What's the best way to take down an entire civilization? Infiltrate their society and take them down from the inside. That's exactly what "Queztalcoatl" did, by posing as the Aztec god and then viciously murdering the unsuspecting natives. Some people may say that he was cruel and merciless. I see a goal-oriented guy who knows how to get things done.

I've read Tom Clancy novels and watched 24, and nobody even approaches the guile and execution of Cortes. I could definitely see this guy as some kind of secret agent who is responsible for the fall of evil dictatorships and communist regimes. He even looks like Sean Connery! What we have here, folks, is the real life Spanish version of James Bond. He even has the penchant for unprotected sex with lots of women. So congrats, Hernan, I lift my martini to you.
Ideal Career: Secret Agent/Ladies Man


For the most recent low five, click here. For the last high five, click here. Stay tuned for Sunday's Oscar edition!