high five: you don't have to be irish to be drunk right now

If you are looking at this post, I assume you are sober enough to work your computer and can focus on reading something. So to that I say, shame on you. It is St. Patrick's day, the most socially-acceptable day to mimic the life choices on a chronic alcoholic! Isn't that what we all strive for in life?

So if you are having trouble getting started on your drunken festivities, allow me to help. These are my five favorite types of alcohol, listed in descending order of how much you will remember tomorrow morning. And I refuse to acknowledge wine because it sucks. This is a blog for gentlemen, and no gentleman would be caught on St. Patty's day with a box of franzia.


#5 - Miller High Life

Pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it is the champagne of beers. It's definitely the most versatile beer because you can use it for games, you can drink it while watching sports, and if you spill a whole bottle, you don't feel bad about it. And while it only conatins about 5% alcohol by volume, you can buy them in 30s and drink 'em all night.

Before you know it, it's morning and you just chanted "U-S-A, U-S-A" at a Puerto Rican student throughout the entire movie Miracle and went sledding on a plastic folding table. And you should probably get that huge bump on your head looked at, you really might have a concussion. These seem like really specific results of a morning after High Life, huh? Yeah, college is great.





#4 - Southern Comfort (100 Proof)
What is Southern Comfort? I've argued with several people about this and I still don't have a definitive answer to give. I think it tastes kind of like whiskey, but other people think I'm an idiot when I say that. Technically, it's "fruit, spice and whiskey flavored American liqueur made from neutral spirits", according to Wikipedia. The creator had set out to make a better-tasting whiskey. I'm just gonna go ahead and give myself the "W" on all those arguments, because it might not technically be a whiskey, but it's supposed to.


Either way, you can't go wrong with a 100 proof alcohol that makes coke taste even better. Plus, you can do shots with it. Everyone loves shots! Soco and lime is like the nectar of the gods and the breakfast of champions all rolled into one. But if you're not careful you might end up passed out on an overpass. 



#3 - Magic Hat #9

Probably my favorite beer, partly because of the taste and partly because of the bottle caps. When I'm drinking, I like to try to find meaning in the meaningless sayings printed inside the caps. I still have one that says "A frozen Heart could use a jump Start" because it actually seems to make a lot of sense. See that, Magic Hat is like your friend who loves to wax poetic and get all philosophical when you drink together. Everyone needs one of those friends in their lives.

So if you have the money for a microbrew, I recommend #9. It's not too heavy that you can't drink all 6 in one night (if you can handle your beer), they get you drunk faster than Bud Light (and it's light beer brethren) and it doesn't taste like water. Plus, it's brewed in Vermont! So obviously, it's like the Ben & Jerry's of beer...


#2 - Tanqueray Gin

Sometimes, you have to class it up a little. You can't be ordering the High Life at an upscale party where everyone is dressed like James Bond. So get a gin and tonic; it's like Sprite, except all the Sprite flavoring comes from the alcohol, which is usually about 70 proof. And you can get gin in sophisticated drinks like martinis. But be careful, if you are at a party where you feel you need to uphold some standard or impress everyone, the last thing you want to do is vomit on some stranger's tux, or worse yet, your own rental tux.

It should be noted that you probably don't want to drink this at a house party. Or even attempt to do shots before going out. By itself, gin tastes like a mix between christmas trees and fire (sounds a lot like my New Years Eve, but more on that in a second). There are plenty of better choices if you want to be drinking all night. But if you want to get a buzz going quickly, have a few gin and tonics before going out.


#1 - The Kraken
Beware of this rum - I had it this past New Years Eve and was the drunkest I have ever been. It's deceptively strong (about 50% alc. by volume) and tastes really good with coke. Or with ginger ale. Or straight. I just do NOT recommend trying the concoction I thought up on NYE (though thankfully had the sense not to make) called the Davy Jones: Kraken and saltwater. It's a guaranteed hangover, if you live through the night.

But the best part of the Kraken has to be it's marketing. They chose a badass mythical beast for the name and used it on the label with some old-timey drawing that looks like it came off a pirate map. Plus, they put it on this great bottle that you can loop your fingers through for when you are hammered and think you are turning into the octopus-faced Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean. So next time you buy rum, don't go with Captain Morgan, that shit is so unoriginal. Go with the Kraken, it's the more epic pirate reference and you get to impersonate Liam Neeson every time you drink.

Bonus beer: If you are looking for a thick, disgusting microbrew that will really fuck you up, get Sierra Nevada's Bigfoot Ale. It makes me believe that there may actually be a Bigfoot, and he is imprisoned at the Sierra Nevada brewery where he is forced to pee into this brew. It's 9.6% alc. by volume, and the consistency of mud. Bet the drunkest kid with you that he can't funnel one. The result will be hilarious and require some light cleaning.

You kids have a fun and safe St. Patrick's day, and when you're hung over and can't get out of bed tomorrow, stay in and ready my older posts, starting here.