low five: why are all engineering school nerds single?

Before I even start, I have to clearly state that this post is not directed toward Cooper. He will be convinced that it is, but what I am about to describe actually is a level of nerdity above anything Cooper can claim to possess. Cooper, you have people that you consistently hang out with in person and go to bars and concerts; the people who inspired this low five do none of those things.

By now my loyal readers probably know that I am a recent graduate of an engineering school; all my classmates were either math, science, or engineering majors. Last time I heard, we actually had one English major, but that degree has to be for show because who would seriously choose a school ending in "Polytechnic Institute" to study English? Anyway, the student population is divided into three main categories; normal guys, normal girls, and those I like to call "dorm-dwellers". Dorm-dwellers are the kids who choose to live on campus beyond freshman year because of the superior internet speed, their fear of landlords and utility companies, or lack of real-world skills like cooking and doing laundry.

#5 - Physique

South Park: It's funny because it's true...

My school has a gym; in very rare cases, a student outside of the normal girl and guy population may be spotted here. They can be identified by their complete lack of appropriate gym clothes, wearing blue jeans and shower sandals. Apparently, during a late-night gaming session the night before, an exercise equipment infomercial inspired this person to get in shape. But in real life, you can't just spend one full day leveling-up your body to get added strength and attractiveness bonuses.

For that reason, engineering-school nerds usually come in one color (pale, pale white - screen glow does not provide a good tan) and two shapes: too big and too small. The larger kids enjoy snacking while gaming or internet-surfing, and their snacks usually lack any nutritional value. And mouse-clicking burns very few calories. The smaller kids are usually mistaken for freakishly tall middle-schoolers. They are blessed with rapid metabolisms, but find eating an inconvenient necessity in their quest for Starcraft domination. The only thing they've even considered lifting in an effort for self-improvement has been a backpack full of books. Neither physique is likely to attract much female attention...



#4 - Style

Did I mention the guy in the cloak also had a huge beard?

Even the most grotesque body can be concealed/reshaped/made irrelevant by the right style. But, by the same token, even the most attractive person can be made laughably undesirable in the wrong outfit. Apparently, no nerd has ever bothered to consider this fact. Maybe no one has told them; maybe they just don't care. Either way, when the Wachowskis released The Matrix, they never intended for fanboys to mimic the 'black leather trenchcoat and sunglasses' look in a sad attempt at fashion.

Let me just give you a few examples of clothing I have actually seen on my school campus, being worn with no ironic intentions: Matrix-style trenchcoat over black shirt with black jeans and black fedora; matching Lord of the Rings-style walking cloaks with decorative brooch as clasp; jean shorts and sandals while WALKING TO CLASS IN THE SNOW; medieval-style cardboard armor and decorative sashes (worn by LARPERs). I don't think I need to elaborate on why these clothing choices are not conducive to landing a date...


#3 - Communication

Literally their only connection to the outside world...

The anonymity of the internet is a blessing and a curse. Sure, you can WebMD that uncomfortable rash you don't want anyone to know about. But also, you can interact with people on the other side of the world who have no way of checking the veracity of profiles and self-descriptions. In the real world, you can' tell someone you are a basketball player if you're a scrawny 5'3" guy; it's just not believable, and you're gonna get tested on such a bold claim. So, in reality, these nerds lose much of their online conversation starters and favorite attributes.

The other problem with the internet is that, during live conversations, a lot of social norms go out the window. If someone says something, and you don't know how to respond, you can take your time to phrase the perfect response, or in some cases flee the situation and later blame it on a bad connection. But in face-to-face communication, you can't just stand in long awkward silence while you think about what to say, and you definitely can't just run away. As a result, panicky nerds often stutter and ramble as they attempt to field some unexpected social interaction. So even if a nerd lands a date through the internet, it's destined for plenty of awkward mumbles and stammers met by furrowed brows and quizzical looks.

This science teacher on "To Catch a Predator" is a good example. Even his online chats are awkward; "I believe it feels good to the ladies", really?

#2 - Hygiene

And not a single nerd was clean that day...

Bathing is a process. A process that everyone should practice, if not for themselves, then as a courtesy to others. A good friend of mine was randomly paired with a World of Warcraft master during our freshman year, and this classmate of ours was never, not ONCE, seen in the bathroom. Not to brush his teeth, not to use the toilets, and certainly not to shower. One day while he was in class, we carefully positioned his bucket of (unopened and unused) shower goods to determine if it would be moved throughout the week. It went untouched for as long as we cared to check. How my friend didn't contract some disease from his roommate's body mold remains a mystery.

So, why the general lack of interest in bathing and grooming? I couldn't tell you for sure, but I believe that it cuts into valuable gaming/internet time, and that it also opens the door to uncomfortable social interactions in a bathroom setting. College bathrooms can be intimidating even to normal kids, since college is the first time most kids have to get naked and poop (not at the same time, obviously) in the same room as friends and classmates. For some, I guess it can be overwhelming.


#1 - Arrogance
From what I have found in my interaction with the most hardcore nerds, they are an arrogant people. They are nerd elitists. They take great pride and joy in their love of videogames, computers, and the internet. Trying to converse with them and relate to them will only earn you their scorn and disdain. And their arrogance makes them completely un-date-able to any normal girl. You know what's worse than someone who writes Pokemon fan fiction at the age of 22? Someone who corrects other people's pokemon fan fiction...

In case you haven't gotten an idea of how frustrating these people can actually be, here's a hypothetical example. A goofy kid covered in Doritos dust is sitting in the student center (because it gets the strongest wifi connection on campus, obviously...) playing World of Warcraft. Suddenly, a female appears, her interest piqued by the Nintendo-themed t-shirt that covers the waif-ish body of our example nerd. She asks him what he is playing. He responds, "World of Warcraft", using the least amount of syllables possible to convey the answer. She's heard of that game, it sounds fun! Her brother plays, he's a level 5 dwarf mage. Our nerd becomes visibly annoyed at the social interaction, and curtly responds "You're brother is a lying n00b, dwarves don't have a mage class". Conversation over, potential companionship averted!

Hilarious video of some guy playing Starcraft 2 with nerds and just making a joke out of the whole thing. They are constantly criticizing his lack of strategy and clearly don't get that he is just trying to be funny. WARNING: lots of swearing in this video.


So there you have it, a low five about nerds. I don't even feel bad about it, either, because I had to spend 5 years of school trying to interact with these people. My degree should have a minor in nerd-speak...