high five: Roald Dahl characters for president

Have you every thought about the mindset of a children's author? It must be really hard to write a story that a kid can understand, because kids are dumb and have no attention span. So obviously, whatever extra detail the author gives to his characters will probably go unnoticed until the loyal child audience grows up. It's like in cartoons, when you are old enough you start noticing the weird and funny stuff that went right over your head as a kid. Go watch Rocko's Modern Life now and you will understand what I'm talking about...

So now that I'm 23, I can look back at the most prominent characters of my favorite childhood author, Roald Dahl, and see what kind of people (or animals) they really are. Turns out, they are pretty well-suited to run against Donald Trump for the 2012 presidency. Now I'll step in as campaign manager and make a case for each...


#5 - James (and his giant peach)

James and his Chief of Staff review military strategy

Even as a child, James demonstrates incredible diplomatic and leadership skills. He manages to get a bunch of insects to not only refrain from eating each other, but from eating their flying piece of fruit. I mean, if a spider is starving to death, it will eat a ladybug and a cricket. But James just would not allow that. He got these bugs to put their natural survival instincts aside for the betterment of the group.

So just image James on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East. All he would need is an comically-oversized fruit to hold a meeting between Palestinians, Israelis, Kurds, Sunnis, and Shi'ites, and then just fly that vessel into the middle of nowhere. A variety of wacky obstacles will force these enemies to work together and learn from each other. And before you know it, a mutual respect will have formed between all groups and peace will spread throughout the region, bringing our gas prices back to Earth.

What Makes a Great Show?

Since were just posting pictures......

Angry Cooper Rants: Table Tap Bans

If there's two things I enjoy in this world, it would probably be beer and friends. I'm sure this is going to end up with a joke from thedirtydogg about my choice in sexual orientation, but honestly, who wants to deal with all the drama and the flirting and the hlguahlgauhglhag now I'm off topic.

Why yes, I have said this before.

Caught myself there. Anways, I'm sure I'm the only person who's ever said this, but if you like two things, why not combine them? No, I'm not talking about making beer out of my friends (although at some point this summer I'm homebrewing and it's going to be called CoopBeer or something terrible and awful with a pun in the name.) I'm not a mad scientist like that. HOWEVER, I do like to drink beer with my friends. And occassionally, it would be quite a lot of beer. Now usually, some combination of Perm being a hermit and none of us ever having enough money to make it rain in the cluuuub and DD'ing and early last calls and a dumb T schedule and (did i mention it's really effing expensive to drink in boston?) a bunch of other things leads us to stay "in".

Okay, that was the worst 2 opening paragraphs ever. Just hit the read more button.

Nerdity! April Fools Trolling.

Somebody do this tomorrow

U Mad Bro?

(angry cooper rant later today)

Just saying

I totally Cooper-ized this post and just have a screenshot.

Finalyyyyyy...Baseball

Well its been awhile since I put up a posted that literally everyone hated. So here it is. Baseball is back baby!!!!!!! You thought I was pumped about spring training?? Tomorrow is like a combination of Christmas and something else really really good that I can't think of right now. Maybe light-sabers? Anyways I can't even wait. America's fucking nation pastime in full swing! Literally....
Yea Swish is pumped too....

high five: awesome things i want but have no need for

So everyone has probably heard the expression "money can't buy happiness". That depends on how much money you have; if you so poor that you can't pay your electric bill, then you can't experience the glory that is The Internet! You have to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like reading newspapers and magazines during the day. But if you have a few million extra dolla-dolla bills to throw around, you can find all kinds of happiness in the following items.

NOTE: this post will be significantly more interesting if you take 15 seconds to click the linked item name and take a quick look at what I'm talking about. You have been warned. If you don't click the links and don't like this post, you have no one to blame but yourself...

#5 - Caterham Superlight

This guy stole my goggle idea

Possibly the coolest thing on 4 wheels, the Caterham 7 is like a high-powered go-kart. That long nose is just one big engine, and you don't even need a trunk, roof, or even a full windshield. Almost all the weight of the car comes from its mechanical parts, meaning it has a power-to-weight ratio the surpasses a Lamborghini. Hence the hefty price (1 British pound = $1.59).

So, obviously I would get one of these little cars in lime green and speed around town wearing my old-school leather racing goggles and a cabbie hat. Like, straight out of the 1920's. Picture some rich douche bag stopped at a light in his entirely unoriginal Corvette. Then I roll up with a flapper girl in the passenger seat and start revving my little Caterham, the red light glinting off my racing goggles. This guy must be thinking, "Seriously? I'll show this bitch what American muscle is all about". The light turns green, and I'm Gone with the Wind (see what I did there?). Muah-ha-ha...

Morning Headlines/ 30 Second Bruins

So i figure that since analytical chemists start work at 7 but don't actually start work until 9, figure I'd post some morning headlines when I get the chance.

-April Fools mothereffers here's a potential foot of snow for Worcester on Friday. Guess we're going to mostly get rain, but it brings back memories of this storm.

-Some guy breaks through a piece of plywood that was covering a giant hollow pylon near the red line T. Gets stuck in the pylon and had to be pulled out with "injuries." Can you smeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllll what the lawsuit is cookin.

(Bruins junk after the jump)

Teach Tuesday: Lightsabers

ALRIGHT! Enough is enough. Seriously, this is probably one of the most wanted pieces of technology. There really isnt too much to say about them.

1. They are badass

2. They look cool

3. They would make any confrontation 1000x better (UFC is for fairies, lightsaber duels is where its at)

4. Seriously though, its a sword.... made out of a laser

5. They make EVERYTHING better

6. They are badass

Cooper Music: Batman is Confused....by Sac

danananananananananananaaa batman!

People Who Are Doing It Wrong: FX

FX cancels 'Lights Out'; Perm Inconsolable


I'm sorry buddy, but apparently Lights didn't pull the ratings they needed. Good thing, cause I'm just waiting for their next series. I heard it's about Plastic surgeons a boxer Private Eyes who have to do questionally moral things while facing relationship problems and an ambiguous mix of acquaintances who are sure to betray you and enemies who will end up helping you. Also it involves uncomfortable sex scenes. Keep your chin up, buddy, you'll find a new show soon.

haha get it, that was a boxing pun.... chin... god i'm killing myself today.

A Partial Solution for Facebook Inanity

Much better.

I was playing around with learning jQuery today and ended up writing a small Greasemonkey script for Facebook. Essentially what the script does is replace all of the comments displayed in the news feed on your home page with the first part of a random Wikipedia article and a link to the full article.

Weird Weekend Discovery: New Haven is for Fascists?

I'm going to try out this new segment called Weird Weekend Discovery. It probably won't be a weekly thing, since I rarely do anything interesting on the weekend. But I found some compelling evidence this weekend that suggests the city of New Haven, Connecticut is run by fascists.


If you are new to this blog, it's probably because you are a government agent and this site has now been flagged for suspicion of terrorism. But hopefully you will see that our country has a very serious threat that has flown under the radar for some time now. Let me (very objectively) show you why we should build a wall around New Haven and cut off their supplies.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Qatar Getting the World Cup Over the US Then Trying to Justify It by Doing Silly Things Like Trying to Build A Fake Cloud

So I'm not the biggest soccer fan out there because, well, I live in America. BUT, I am a huge USA fan, regardless of what sport they're playing. And I also hate when people get things over America, because fuck them thats why. If you don't like America then you can just geeeeet outtttt. So naturally, I was disappointed when Qatar got the 2022 World Cup over the good old U S of A. This annoyed me even more when I read (yes I actually read) and article on Yahoo yesterday about how they're going to invest all of the oil money into building a fake cloud to keep the stadium cool....yup I said fake cloud.

Angry Cooper Rants: BBM

So I'm going to assume for the sake of brevity, our statistics on where our hits are coming from (and you not reading a ton of rambling) that you've met me. By this, it means you know 2 things.

---I don't watch a lot of network TV

---You've made fun of me about my interactions with the opposite sex.

So within the last few weeks I've devised an evil plan. Some combination of joining a summer ice hockey league, it being nicer out (eventually), and the desire to look good in the cluuuuub has got me exercising.

Pictured: My summer plans

I believe that Mr. Guarino described my routine best as the "fat kid exercise" plan. In addition to running and a regular set time for general exercises, should I happen to be watching something on the television later (in last night's case the Bruins), every time there is a commercial break it is my obligation to perform 20 pushups and some combination of abdominal exercises. I'll save you the rest of plan that is sure to go wrong, but last night I stumbled upon a commercial that made me wtf.

Tur-duck-en, move over

Turducken, you have always captured my imagination and my stomach. For years now, your majesty of stuffed turkey, with duck and chicken seemed awesome, and almost mythical. How awesome can one dinner be? Apparently a lot more, cause it turns out that the turducken is the bitch of birds being stuffed into other birds.

Greatest Song Ever....Winning

So I don't know if this gem has made its way arround the internet yet, but I just heard it for the first time. I know rmed wanted less of this guy...well too bad.

Need More: Contributions from Detroit

Detroit has pretty much been a symbol of the economic crisis. The center of the American Auto Industry turned into a wasteland. And eguarino even listed it as the 4th location on his Spring Break stay-away low five.

Which is why I was so confused when that guy tried to light his underoos on fire and blow up a plane over Detroit. Why pick a city that was already so desolate? They completely got the Unabomber's strategy wrong: you live in seclusion, and bomb the places where the population is relatively high. Not the other way around. In this case, we should be happy terrorist's are dumbasses.

Now I understand a lot more because we finally got it all cleared up. According to this story from Yahoo, the original targets were Chicago or Houston, but flights were too expensive. Ummm guys? Did you know you can only get Southwest fares on Southwest.com? And bags fly free so you wouldn't even need to light your crotch up. Unless you're planning on lighting a fart (which in itself is questionable), there's no excuse to put matches within a 4 foot radius of your genitals.

What Really Grinds My Gears: Bouncers Who Can't Do Basic Math

Ok so I took a few days off but I'm back. It really took everything in my power not to do a Cooper based posting...at this point hes just asking for it. I actually had one written out but I determined I can't do it without it getting to a point where Cooper might kill himself or run away to South America to start life over as a sheep herder. That being said, let me get to these fucking bouncers. Clearly they are a necessity, especially when dealing with a bunch of dumb ass college kids in the middle of Worcester. BUT, there should be more of a requirement then just looking like Perm with a giant beard and a shit ton of tats. Basic math should be right up there on the list.

People Who are Doing it Wrong: ME!

So I'm looking to the public here for help. I figure if people are going to post good articles infequently, I might as well keep the interest level in the blog from flatlining by posting filler. Everyone wins; you get new content, I get to blog, and everyone's articles look better by comparison. Is this something you want me to keep doing? Should I only post when I find something epic (which would basically be never)? Am I doing it wrong?

Also I'm scooping sac's article.

U Jelly Sac?

Also the correct answer is I don't care and I'm going to post anyways, but I will respectfully listen to any comments.